Why Andy and I don't have Kids Yet

I know that people don't really mean anything by it, when they ask when Andy and I are having kids.  Friends have suggested that we get right on that so we can have play-dates together, a family member has hinted that it would be fun if we all had kids the same age, another family member has inquired directly more than once, and even newly engaged, it was pointed out to me that Andy was the first son of a first son of a first son (as though I have something to do with choosing a child's gender anyway).  

There's pressure here.  Well-meant pressure, but definitely pressure.

There are many reasons why it is not appropriate to ask a woman or a couple when they are having kids.  Firstly, I do want to make the distinction that this is different than asking if someone is planning on having kids:  the first is a stated expectation which applies pressure and judgement while the latter is more an actual inquiry.   Here are some additional reasons why the "when" version could be inappropriate:    

1. The woman/couple has no intention of having kids--this means that this question tends to lead to many more uncomfortable questions where the woman/couple are often assured that they'll change their minds in time and implying the speaker knows what is best for them and their lives.  This is assumptive and rude.  Furthermore if the woman/couple is planning on having kids, it should be on their time schedule instead of yours.
2. The woman/couple is incapable of having children--wow, yeah, and you just rubbed their faces in it.  Maybe there was a recent miscarriage.  Casually walking into the conversation, you have no idea what the context is.  And adoption tends to be a long, frustrating process, so that attempt to spin it toward some hope there, didn't help much.
3. It's none of your damn business anyway.  

In short, for any of these cases the way that question is framed can lead to some hurt feelings.  Also, you've probably crushed their self-esteem in the process.  Gold star.

Someone might say that I'm being too sensitive, that it isn't what the other person means at all.  Regardless of the intent of that individual, it still hurts, but don't worry, I happen to have other concerns that form Andy's and my particular reasons.

1.  Financial Readiness
Andy and I are working on our debt.  We've made a lot of good progress toward cleaning things up, including some compacted medical bills pilled up on credit cards.  Our student loans are going to take quite a while to wade through, yet.  Additionally, emigrating to Norway is not off the table, which would not be a cheap process since we would prefer not to manage debt across the Atlantic.  Raising a child would not be cheap, and we would very much have to adjust how our goals are spread out.  We've stabilized financially in a lot of ways, but there is still a lot of work left to do.  

2.  Physical Readiness
So, my body has long been unable to really support my own life, let alone the life of another. I have been betrayed by my body so many times, reading the signs but helpless against them, like screaming to somehow stop the oncoming car from colliding into your own.   When something feels off in my body, whether a small twinge or an odd gurgle, my brain goes through some serious acrobatics, trying to sort out if this is a warning sign or not and if something needs to be done.  

Both my GI doctor and my Gynecologist have agreed that it would be high risk pregnancy situation.  Period.  It will have to be a very careful, closely-monitored process.  Plus, there is extensive damage and scarring from previous surgeries and the disease itself, and I might remind the reader that the rectum is positioned immediately adjacent to the vaginal canal.  Hell, this has made sex difficult when this area is particularly inflamed, so my doctor doesn't think a vaginal birth would be a good idea.  

I'm still not in remission with Crohn's.  I have not been in remission for several years.  My doctors and I agree that we should be as healthy as possible before making ANY real attempt.  What tends to sit in the dark places of my mind is that if my body is not in a place to try and support another life form, it might then reject that new growth in an effort for its own survival.  I don't want to put myself through that.  

For anyone thinking, well, why not just go right for adoption, return first to Item 1.  More to the point, though, the thing about Crohn's is that inevitably there will be another flare up.  How might I be able to take care of a child when my body collapses in on itself next time?  Chasing a toddler or working through teenage problems takes energy that I cannot guarantee I will have.  While I've made many incredible strides, I still cannot say with any certainty that my body won't find a relapse on any given day.  In fact, I have a couple of reoccurring problems that will literally take me down in less than a week.  How fair is that to Andy?  How fair is that to the hypothetical offspring?

3.  Emotional Readiness
This one is the true kicker.  I'm genuinely not emotionally ready to try.  I'm terrified of my body.  I have good reason not to trust it.  Having another life depend on me through that, when I felt guilty enough burdening my husband and family though this last flare up?  Not something I look forward to.

Here's what's more:  Andy and I want to start a family.  We do.  But for more than one reason we can't focus on that right now.  When you ask me when I'm going to have kids, you are reminding me that I still can't have something that I really want.  It hurts.  I smile, but it hurts.  

I still grieve working through the things I feel Crohn's has taken from me--time, peace of mind, potential work, my self-image, etc.--and I wonder with a very real fear if this is one of many things that I might never have in my life because of it.  Because of this stupid, fragile body.

Maybe I don't have a dream right now because I'm terrified that another flare up is going to take it from me.

I've got a lot to work through before I will be okay taking this risk, either through my own pregnancy or adoption.  Legitimately, this is one of the few places where fear truly rules over me.  

And it hurts.  

So please don't ask.  And consider, too, that other persons you might think about asking could be going through a number of situations that you might not know about.