As we are continuing to prepare for my upcoming surgery, Andy and I have been trying to fit in as many visits and catch-up events as we can before I'll be knocked out of commission for a while. However, some of these visits have had an unexpected side effect of a deep sense of foreboding upon departure, that looming "this could be the last time" kind of feel that I cannot seem to shake, reason aside.
Dying is a possible result of this surgery. It's the probability that no one wants to talk about, but it is possible. Please, I am not looking for any kind of reassurance that it won't end that way; this is an honest statement rather than a fatalistic statement.
More than once, we have all heard this idea of "don't wait until it's too late to say something import/tell someone you love them/etc." This might be a worn-out troupe, but sometimes cliched things are still interesting things. I don't expect to die soon, from the surgery or otherwise, but I have been thinking a great deal about my own mortality recently. There are things that are still worth saying.
Firstly, I did the best that I knew how to do. Not perfect, but with good intentions. I don't really hold on to any major regrets, except for a couple of stupid things I said/did that while I'm sure I'm the only one that remembers them, I still haven't figured out how to forgive myself completely. I am not afraid to die--to quote the podcast Welcome to Nightvale, "Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you." The world will continue to carry on without me. Everyone still here will find their new normal in time, and I hope they would be surrounded by all kinds of loving support as they find it. My mark on the world might have been shorter than I would have liked, but as significant as it was meant to be.
If I am around longer, well, I'll see what more I can do.
There are too many people to mention by name, and yet, I would not want to leave anything to chance by assuming that everyone already knows what I would want to say. I've treasured so many of you all. Rather than write an essay that I can never fully complete (and otherwise hold up this blog post indefinitely), I would rather renew a commitment I made to myself some time back.
There are thoughts that pop into my head unbidden, but I also think nice things as the day goes, simple things like "that's a lovely dress she has on" and "he has a wonderful smile" or more complex components like "this person is such a wonderful friend" or "they have no idea how much that touched me." Reflecting that I appreciate those random comments, gratitude for help I have given, or one of those moments of "I appreciate X or Y about you." I already think these things, so why not take that one extra step and voice them? Sometimes, it can be a level of awkward, when people don't know how to react to a complement or were not expecting a deep moment in a casual conversation, but on the whole, I think most people enjoy those moments.
I won't say that this would fully eliminate the full list of the things left unsaid, but it will at least sway the balance in a better direction. And the result has been very rewarding. I don't know why we need these constant reminders to be grateful for the things and people that we have in our lives. I don't know why we instinctively save some things for an undetermined "later" or "the right time," whether it's an excuse or conditioned training to not express emotions or whatever else. Even in trying to commit to voicing these thoughts, it's still harder to say those important things than those simple things.
I want to reavow myself to this honesty. And I would encourage anyone else to give it a try. It is a skill I want to develop further, whether the time I have left is long or short.
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