Empathy Hack: "I Know you in that Moment"

I can't even say when I started saying this particular phrase, but it's become an important one.  It's not something that is required in every conversation, but more for those deep or vulnerable moments when another person chooses to open up.  When someone is telling me about a rough spot in their life or are actively grieving  or whathaveyou, if I feel that I very much understand some of what they are feeling, I will say to them, "I know you in that moment."  What I mean by this is that I don't presume to understand the full scope of everything that they are feeling right then, but I understand viscerally at least part of that feeling because of similar experiences.  In that one moment of time, they are understood and heard. 

Now that's just the first part of the phrase.  The second part is NOT explaining in great detail why I understand.  That's the hard part.  Too often we fall into a place where we try to identify with someone by explaining something else we went through, whether the intent is to identify or to showcase how what they're going through can be overcome.  Sure, the intent is showing them how we understand so it feels like it's about that other person, but it ultimately is taking the attention away from the speaker and putting the attention back on ourselves, where we're comfortable.  The second part of the phrase is working to actively resist that urge.  And yet, we still want to express empathy for that person.  The complete phrase works as a halfway, where I can identify with the person's situation and then try to quickly return the focus back to the speaker.  This addressed the unspoken politics within a conversation, defining the fuzzy line between being part of the conversation and dominating the conversation.  

Example A:  
Friend:  "Ugh, I have been arguing with my insurance company for the past two weeks and they STILL won't budge."
Me:  "I know you in that moment.  That sucks.  What did they tell you last?"
Friend:  **proceeds to continue venting about their situation**

Hypothetical friend here who started the conversation with something that was important for them to talk about is encouraged to say what they would like to say.  They have a moment of compassion and empathy from a listening ear, but then an open floor to voice what is concerning them.  There might be a few spots of advice there or the conversation might shift back to me, if there's an invitation from that hypothetical friend which I may or may not take, depending on the situation.

Compare that to this next one.  

  Example B:  

Friend:  "Ugh,my doctor and my insurance company are at it again."

Me:  I know what you mean.  I've been trying to get my doctors and my insurance to agree to send me my ostomy supplies.  I think it finally went through, though, because it hit my credit card at least.  

Hypothetical friend here, now, has no way to really get back into voicing their frustration.  I have made it about me, addressed my need, and then left no opening.  Instead of venting or experiencing a moment of vulnerability with something important to them, now they have to sit and listen to how well the other person understands.  

And another example:

Friend:  "My friend is trying to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship.  I don't know how to help them."
Me:  "I know you in that moment."

And a different example:

Friend:  "Work has been so rough lately!  My boss just asked me to get two weeks of worth wrapped up in two days with only half of the information."
Me:  "Ugh.  That sounds terrible.  What do you have to do?"
Friend:  "That's part of the problem.  No one can give me a straight answer."
Me:  "I know you in that moment.  Is there anyone else you can ask?"
Friend:  **proceeds to talk through their current work drama**

And one more:

Friend:  I didn't really know this person that well.  I'm not sure how to feel about their death or what to say to their family.
Me:  I know you in that moment.  I find that the best thing to do is just be present.  Have you thought about sending a card?

Admittedly, sometimes I forget the second part of the phrase.  I know logically that a person confiding in me is probably not doing so because they want me to fix it or try to explain why they should be grateful because so-and-so's had it so much worse (as if it were some kind of competition):  I find more often than not, people just want to feel heard.  If that person wants to ask for further specifics about why I understand, I'm open to their asking but I try to wait to be asked.  

Conversations should have a give and take relationship to them, but sometimes important conversations need to be one way for a short while.  I will have my time to vent, too, particularly as I'm learning better ways to ask for it.  I recognize though that I would want the same kind of respect in those moments when I'm opening up about something important, too.  It's a kind of pre-empathy, if you will.  

Anyway, give it a spin.  And if you feel inclined, let me know about your experience with it.