So, the last two posts were relatively optimistic. I was quite and very busy starting out the new year between work, cooking for a new diet, and finding all kinds of new things to occupy my time. I was exercising, finding things to take care of at home, and otherwise doing probably too much. Andy has called me before "The Little Engine that Could but Probably Shouldn't."
Going to be a bit of downer on this one and get into some of the grosser elements, but I need to have a small vent. I had a minor health issue crop up, and that in turn for all I can guess has pissed off a reoccurring bigger issue. When my colon's contents spilled all over my abdominal cavity, gosh, getting on four years ago now, there was and is still no real way to clear out all of potential infection. Microbes everywhere, yo. The gut is packed full of bacteria that helps in so many different ways, but only when it's in the right places to do so. That means an infection can crop up whenever. Compound that with another happy Crohn's side effect: fistulas, where the body events new little random paths here and there, hopefully not connecting anything that shouldn't really be connected. One particular abscess has taken advantage of this fistula thing and now drains outside of the body, meaning that it has breached the skin in order to drain itself--a rather mixed blessing. Seeing as it's been here for over a year and a half by this point, I don't think it's going to close ever. When it's "calm," it oozes and, whatever, I deal. When it's "angry," it oozes a lot and hurts a lot to the point where I cannot sit, lie down, walk, etc with any level of comfort.
So, that's been my last week and a half. I have gotten through work, and then sat down directly on the couch with my beautiful, beautiful heating pad, cycling throughout the day between ibuprofen (a Crohn's no-no) and acetaminophen to keep things at least tolerable. I cut out all other activities and watched a lot of My Little Pony. And I've been left to stew in my thoughts of "well, if things are getting worse here, what other abscesses/fistulas don't I know about?"
And one of the things that absolutely frustrates me most is that I just wrote a couple entries about how things were going pretty well. And two weeks ago, they absolutely were, dammit. But this is definitely sits in my mind each time I do go to write something new--am I going to jinx myself by saying something? I don't actually think that's why it happened, nor that I could cause it happen at all. It's not bad luck even. It just is. I'm not being punished, my doctors have overall made their decisions based on the best information we knew at the time, and it's no one's fault, not even straight "genetics." It just is.
I don't know how to talk about in terms of status, because it is something that is truly always in flux and it's hard living feeling like I'm living on a hair-trigger for things to go wrong. But I do. I'm "The Little Engine that Could but Probably Shouldn't," damn it. I keep planning new things and I keep stretching because I don't know how else to keep going otherwise. But I still hesitate sometimes to say something is going well--I know it can turn around by tomorrow. As excited as I am for Norway, I keep wondering if I'm going to be okay during that particular stretch of time and trying not to think about how disappointed I will be if I'm not. I wonder how many times I can ride the figurative Tilt-a-Whirl before I finally vomit. There is a small cascade of panic that I cannot stop, so rather than try to hold it in I've had to figure out healthy ways to work with it. Is it any small wonder that IBDs and depression can go together so smoothly?
Since I've always got to try and flip things up toward a lighter ending, I will mention that a couple days on some antibiotics have me sitting somewhat comfortably again and my spunk is making its way back. I hope to resume normal activities outside of work next week. At least my bounce-back factor is better and my awareness of those body cues is improving, where I can catch some things before they get too out of hand. Either way, when I compare to how I felt even a year ago, we've made some lovely strides. And even with that, tonight I'm feeling rather low. Tomorrow, I'll be ready to take on the world again, but I needed to have this moment and will take it unapologetically. Thank you for bearing with me.
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