YOLO Responsibly

It is a natural hazard of the world we live in that money is one of the most common worries.  Purportedly, it is the number one thing that couples argue about.  Andy and I have had many discussions about money and trying to work out between us what our priorities should be, bringing our ideas together.  We've managed to find a good system that works for us for where we are now, though I know many others that have not found that balance quite yet or have been struggling with it for years.  

It has happened more than once that I've been talking to someone and they mention that things are tight right now.  Sometimes this is mentioned to change our plans, that they cannot afford to eat out or they cannot take their turn to treat, and sometimes just because they need vent about something weighing on their mind.  I understand, and I'm not upset to adjust plans as needed.  

Then, sometimes a little while later and sometimes just a breath later, that same person will excitedly tell me about about the shiny, new thing they just got.  I may not show it on the outside, but on the inside, I'm definitely thinking very loudly that they must not be that worried about money, then.  Sometimes the conversation might then fall back to their concerns about bills, and again I just don't understand where their priorities are. 

At some point in our development, someone told us in the grocery story that we couldn't just have that candy bar because we wanted it.  We couldn't grab whatever we wanted in the toy store and walk out without paying for it.  And then as we got older, there were still points where we were told no.  

Sometimes, then, when we're finally in charge of our own money, things get interesting.  When money situations change, hopefully we can plan and adapt to it.  Some of us don't figure it out quickly.  Some of us never seem to figure it out.  We need to remember that just because we want something is not reason enough to necessarily have something.  

Simple, right?  And let's apply it to a broader spectrum:  if what I want harms someone else, that's another situation where wanting something isn't a good reason to have it.  Your wants do not supersede the needs of someone else.  A thief or a rapist decides something that they want is more important than what someone else wants, to the point where they are willing to sacrifice the emotional and physical well-being of another person.  We have the caricature of an evil CEO putting profits over the needs of their workers and a dozen movies where a plucky group of kids or a dog somehow puts said caricature in their place.  These are morally wrong.  But I want to throw this out there, too:  your future self is going to have needs that should be recognized.

But how, then, are we supposed to live life fully if we're so worried about money and otherwise make good decisions?  Andy coined it really well the other day:  we YOLO responsibly in our household.  

For those unfamiliar with the acronym, it means "you only live once."  Think a lower-brow carpe diem, in that this is usually used to justify a stupid decision after the fact rather than a heartening rally to courage.  So, yes, it is a bit of a contradiction to YOLO responsibly.

We have impulse buys from time to time, sure, but not at the expense of things we really want.  We'll have been saving for over two years to go on our Norway trip in February, for example.  Could we use that money to pay off our car sooner?  Sure.  Andy and I went to Portland last weekend (more details later) which was an additional expense, but it was absolutely worth it and I would do it again.  Could we have put that money toward our student debt?  Maybe.  

We have in different situations weighed the options and calculated the cost, finding ways to cut costs with hotel points and whatever else.  And at these different times Andy and I found a line:  I call it the "Screw it, I'm doing it anyway" line.  

Where this line is for everyone, I cannot rightly say.  Everyone has different priorities that I'm not fully privy to.  Furthermore, it can be very blurry when there are things that you want but things that might slow you down from getting the things that you really want.  Finding when it is right to cross this line requires perspective and some maturity.  To understand whether this is a decision that might impact your future self or someone else means that you need awareness of what some of those future wants might be.  

That's the responsibly part.  I think the "Screw it, I'm doing it anyway" part is much more self-explanatory.  Sometimes, we just need to take a jump and have an adventure, finding those moments that make up a rich life.  

Andy and I have found our balance for this point in our lives and we have strong communication, particularly with any decisions that involve a large expenditure.  It has meant passing on things that we want for things that we want more.  Bills are prioritized, then paying off debt to give us the freedom to do what we really want, when we figure out where life is going to take us next.  And yet, we still find a balance in taking some adventures along the way.  

I wish I had some clear lines for when it's okay to jump and when you should let an opportunity slide (possibly painfully) by.  Find what works for you and what adventures you need to fill the in between.  YOLO responsibly, my friends.  

Why Andy and I don't have Kids Yet

I know that people don't really mean anything by it, when they ask when Andy and I are having kids.  Friends have suggested that we get right on that so we can have play-dates together, a family member has hinted that it would be fun if we all had kids the same age, another family member has inquired directly more than once, and even newly engaged, it was pointed out to me that Andy was the first son of a first son of a first son (as though I have something to do with choosing a child's gender anyway).  

There's pressure here.  Well-meant pressure, but definitely pressure.

There are many reasons why it is not appropriate to ask a woman or a couple when they are having kids.  Firstly, I do want to make the distinction that this is different than asking if someone is planning on having kids:  the first is a stated expectation which applies pressure and judgement while the latter is more an actual inquiry.   Here are some additional reasons why the "when" version could be inappropriate:    

1. The woman/couple has no intention of having kids--this means that this question tends to lead to many more uncomfortable questions where the woman/couple are often assured that they'll change their minds in time and implying the speaker knows what is best for them and their lives.  This is assumptive and rude.  Furthermore if the woman/couple is planning on having kids, it should be on their time schedule instead of yours.
2. The woman/couple is incapable of having children--wow, yeah, and you just rubbed their faces in it.  Maybe there was a recent miscarriage.  Casually walking into the conversation, you have no idea what the context is.  And adoption tends to be a long, frustrating process, so that attempt to spin it toward some hope there, didn't help much.
3. It's none of your damn business anyway.  

In short, for any of these cases the way that question is framed can lead to some hurt feelings.  Also, you've probably crushed their self-esteem in the process.  Gold star.

Someone might say that I'm being too sensitive, that it isn't what the other person means at all.  Regardless of the intent of that individual, it still hurts, but don't worry, I happen to have other concerns that form Andy's and my particular reasons.

1.  Financial Readiness
Andy and I are working on our debt.  We've made a lot of good progress toward cleaning things up, including some compacted medical bills pilled up on credit cards.  Our student loans are going to take quite a while to wade through, yet.  Additionally, emigrating to Norway is not off the table, which would not be a cheap process since we would prefer not to manage debt across the Atlantic.  Raising a child would not be cheap, and we would very much have to adjust how our goals are spread out.  We've stabilized financially in a lot of ways, but there is still a lot of work left to do.  

2.  Physical Readiness
So, my body has long been unable to really support my own life, let alone the life of another. I have been betrayed by my body so many times, reading the signs but helpless against them, like screaming to somehow stop the oncoming car from colliding into your own.   When something feels off in my body, whether a small twinge or an odd gurgle, my brain goes through some serious acrobatics, trying to sort out if this is a warning sign or not and if something needs to be done.  

Both my GI doctor and my Gynecologist have agreed that it would be high risk pregnancy situation.  Period.  It will have to be a very careful, closely-monitored process.  Plus, there is extensive damage and scarring from previous surgeries and the disease itself, and I might remind the reader that the rectum is positioned immediately adjacent to the vaginal canal.  Hell, this has made sex difficult when this area is particularly inflamed, so my doctor doesn't think a vaginal birth would be a good idea.  

I'm still not in remission with Crohn's.  I have not been in remission for several years.  My doctors and I agree that we should be as healthy as possible before making ANY real attempt.  What tends to sit in the dark places of my mind is that if my body is not in a place to try and support another life form, it might then reject that new growth in an effort for its own survival.  I don't want to put myself through that.  

For anyone thinking, well, why not just go right for adoption, return first to Item 1.  More to the point, though, the thing about Crohn's is that inevitably there will be another flare up.  How might I be able to take care of a child when my body collapses in on itself next time?  Chasing a toddler or working through teenage problems takes energy that I cannot guarantee I will have.  While I've made many incredible strides, I still cannot say with any certainty that my body won't find a relapse on any given day.  In fact, I have a couple of reoccurring problems that will literally take me down in less than a week.  How fair is that to Andy?  How fair is that to the hypothetical offspring?

3.  Emotional Readiness
This one is the true kicker.  I'm genuinely not emotionally ready to try.  I'm terrified of my body.  I have good reason not to trust it.  Having another life depend on me through that, when I felt guilty enough burdening my husband and family though this last flare up?  Not something I look forward to.

Here's what's more:  Andy and I want to start a family.  We do.  But for more than one reason we can't focus on that right now.  When you ask me when I'm going to have kids, you are reminding me that I still can't have something that I really want.  It hurts.  I smile, but it hurts.  

I still grieve working through the things I feel Crohn's has taken from me--time, peace of mind, potential work, my self-image, etc.--and I wonder with a very real fear if this is one of many things that I might never have in my life because of it.  Because of this stupid, fragile body.

Maybe I don't have a dream right now because I'm terrified that another flare up is going to take it from me.

I've got a lot to work through before I will be okay taking this risk, either through my own pregnancy or adoption.  Legitimately, this is one of the few places where fear truly rules over me.  

And it hurts.  

So please don't ask.  And consider, too, that other persons you might think about asking could be going through a number of situations that you might not know about.  

Visibility

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.  I like to see the big events and even the small events that are going on in the lives of friends and family that I do not necessarily talk to every day.  I enjoy the shared pictures and humorous posts mixed in.  And then there's the other side, where hurtful comments, misinformation, or all-around ignorant memes are spread just as rapidly.  Politics and current events flood your feed as people react in real-time to our ever-changing world.  Amazing how many of your friends/family members are secretly lawyers when a controversial court decision comes out, or animal psychologists when a gorilla is in a cage with a child, etc.  I want to see what people are thinking, but there is a point where I hit my limit and log off for the next while.  

When something big happens, there's a hashtag, a commonly shared status, or even a special filter for your profile picture.  I have mixed feelings about these.  

At least I have a quick reason for the profile picture filters.  I have not taken advantage of these because there's that awkward question of when is it appropriate to take it off.  Either that or I would simply forget to take it off and still be rainbow or France striped three years later.  But for the others, when do I need to say something and when do I need to let it be?  People who know me will know that I'm an advocate for LGBTQ rights, feminism, and all-around equality, so do I need to put something out there specifically each time something wonderful or terrible happens?  

Sometimes, I'll proudly join the chorus, putting my own words in.  Sometimes, I feel like what I want to say has been said and said well by another person, in which case I'm content to share the post or like it.  Sometimes, I don't feel that I have anything of value to add to the conversation, due to a flooding of responses, partially encroaching on that hipster mentality component--I refuse to comment on something just because everyone else is.  

And yet, if I don't say something, am I then complicit in it?  This goes back to the idea that the only thing needed for evil to succeed is for good to do nothing.  But where I get hung up is this is actually just a response on Facebook and not a vote or a protest.  We could argue that it's a sort of loose protest, but the sample that I see will always be skewed since the population of my particular friends is not a true random selection.  

Does my response on Facebook or lack of response on Facebook actually do anything about the problem?  

Sometimes, yes.  Hearing a perspective from someone you trust can help change your own, leading others to hopefully see the problems we face in our society with better clarity.  This can help mitigate some of of the ignorance surrounding the situation and thereby work toward fixing it one person at a time.  

Other times, definitely no.  I have seen people talk a big game on Facebook, but what are you actually doing to solve the problem?  Liking a status has saved no one.  Sharing a meme has not stopped all of the killings in the world.  There is a point where we need to remember that talking about it is not the same as doing something about it.  Yes, we need to be vocal about what we believe, but the loudest statements don't usually require words.  How are we acting on these things we post?  

Or is it just a show?  Are we just putting on a visage of righteousness for our Facebook friends?  I don't want to be this person, someone that talks about it and then doesn't do anything about it.  Yes, we should be speaking from our outrage if we feel it.  Additionally, persons need to grieve in what way works best for them.  But we also need to offer ideas and organize on them.  

If the situation is important enough to you that you are angry that someone isn't drawing attention to it on their personal Facebook, maybe you should be doing something more about it.  If you have pressed "Post" and still feel upset, maybe it's time to write your congressman and representatives.  Get on city council, start a petition, create an event to raise awareness, something.  We need to move past words and address the problems.