The Call of the Void

Sometimes, I'm sitting in a group of people doing perfectly normal things, having a perfectly normal conversation (well, normal for me, anyway) and in the middle of nowhere comes this strange thought, bright and clear across my mind:  "Tell them they're worthless." 

And I'm shocked.  I have no idea where that thought came from.  And I would never say that to this person or anyone.  I resist the urge to shake my head to make the thought go away, hoping that I have given no outward clue at all what just happened. 

Another time, the random thought to swing out and punch the stranger walking by.  Perhaps that particularly raunchy scene from a movie I saw six years ago while I'm sitting in church listening to announcements.  I hope very much in those moments that no one can read minds because they might get the wrong idea. 

These are intrusive thoughts.  I used to feel ashamed about them, that something must be wrong with me for these things to pop in my head--Jekyll and Hyde kinds of fears.  They're not intentional.  I wouldn't act on them or say them, when relevant.  They just are.  And other people get them, too, those unbidden, uncharacteristic thoughts that cross your mind.  Provided that you don't act on them, of course. 

Now, there is a subset of these that is a little bit different.  Sometimes, when I'm driving I think "I could just jerk the steering wheel and then I'd never have to worry about anything again."  I've heard this called "The Call of the Void."  Like the other kinds of intrusive thoughts, I don't plan on following through with it, but I always think about these a little bit longer.  These, I think, stem from a natural urge, the want to escape away from all of your problems. 

I am so very tired of having to deal with all of my Crohn's symptoms.  I'm tired of organizing my doctor's visits around my work schedule.  I'm tired of arguing with insurance companies.  I'm tired of needing to excuse myself from activities.  I'm tired of feeling lousy. 

OF COURSE escape is alluring.  I might linger on these kinds of thoughts more than I do other intrusive thoughts, but I let them slip by, too.  It's okay to have these kinds thoughts.  There's one big caveat to the Call of the Void though:  I know that if I start having these thoughts  too frequently or I start considering acting on it, that's the point to reach out for help. 

So that got me thinking on to a different question:  what are healthy escapes and what are unhealthy escapes?  Anything permanently damaging falls into unhealthy, but anything that enables you to escape "too long" also seems to fall toward unhealthy.  Even something as innocuous as videogames has a stigma attached to it, if the person plays "too much."  Where are the lines?  Is it ultimately about finding balance, working on enough escape to see all of those problems from enough distance to think through a solution more effectively.  And are those lines different for everyone?  That doesn't mean, though, that people won't try to enforce their boundary expectations on you, just like when people subtly try to enforce their own idea of how you should manage your health or how and how long you should grieve.  A little food for thought for your day.

Temporary escape is okay; it's okay to want a break and to take a short, healthy break.  
I can't tell you how to deal with all of your problems when you've hit that point of too much.  I can only tell you what works for me:  I find comfort in getting back to a routine, in exercise, in writing, which provide a certain kind of comfort and processing yet not always that particular sense of relief that I crave.  I may never get the full rest that I want, but by learning the best coping mechanisms for me, I can take some of the weight away and make it easier to carry.  But I do want to stress to you that you are not alone.  When you need to find some kind of escape, find what is healthy for you and what your needs are, not what anyone else thinks they should be. 

And when your brain plugs in the Ducktail's theme song in the middle of your important meeting or comes up with something entirely out of character, know that you're not alone there either.