SO, we're all aware of this particular expectation, that we date someone, become exclusive, marry them, have kids, and then head off into the sunset, achieving the official brand of being "successful" in our relationship and life in general. My therapist called it the "Monogamy Escalator" and I've found other references referring it as the "Relationship Escalator." This set of expectations is supposed to happen at some weird, steady pace where we go from one step to the next step, ticking off boxes for what we need to do at certain unspecified time intervals. We beat ourselves up when relationships "fail" and talk about having not found "the one." Gaps when we're not committed to someone, even if the alternative is staying in an unhealthy relationship, means that you're incomplete or, again, feeling like we've failed somewhere. Falling off of the Monogamy Escalator seems to imply that you're not a successful person.
I have met people that got married because it was "the next step," not because its what they wanted to do with their lives. I have met people who have had kids because that's what they were "supposed to do next." Strangers find out that I've been married for six years and are confused that we don't have any children yet, because clearly we're supposed to not only be right on that next step but also want that next step immediately. It's as though being on the Relationship Escalator then also compels you to reinforce it to others, either because its believed or they don't want to ride it alone.
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I know people that have never married and lived full, complete lives--my great aunt Theda comes to mind specifically. She saw so many different places in the world and worked at the Bloomington High School library for years. We always got books or magazine subscriptions from her at Christmas, which delighted me more the older I got. I, in no way, think that she failed as a person for never marrying or having kids. People don't need to be in a relationship to have value, but it definitely feels like society values you more if you're in a relationship, at least in part because you fit the pattern that is widely accepted. In other words, it can be lonely to not be in a relationship because of some specific pressures that tell you that you should be, that you've failed to get on the escalator and are thus not "successful."
I know a few committed couples that are certain that they don't want children, and I respect their choice--they don't need me to validate it, but I would. I'm sad for all of the condescending comments that they get along the lines of "you'll change your mind" or "it's different when they're your own" because clearly that stranger or family member knows what's best for their lives (~sarcasm flag~). You know how much money you have for your own adventures when you never had to buy diapers or shoes that they're going to grow out of in two weeks? It's not selfish to focus on your own goals; it's advocating for yourself. Also, one of the best ways to decrease your carbon footprint is not to procreate.
How many people cannot wrap their mind around someone choosing something that doesn't slowly move up in the prescribed path of the slowly rising escalator, it's mind boggling. I've seen other people seek validation for their own actions by trying to get others to make the same choices as part of that, too, which gets really interesting, as though they don't want to be the only ones riding the Relationship Escalator or perhaps because they believe in it. I've known people more lonely in their relationship than they would be on their own. It's uncomfortable to not be able to label people with where their "correct" landmark on the escalator should be for their current age. Maybe, just maybe, people don't all have to follow the same prescribed path?
Sometimes, that relationship was right for part of your life but not for the next part--just because it didn't stay permanently does not mean that you failed or wasted your time. Some people don't want to have children. People remarry. Some people don't want to be in a relationship. Some people don't want to own a home. And its none of our damn business. They're not wrong for failing to live up to these contrived rules for how they should live their lives. There's no trophy or high score for successfully going up the Relationship Escalator, meeting all the landmarks in specific intervals. What do you actually achieve by riding it all the way to the top? Maybe it helped you step out of your comfort zone and try some things, but maybe it encouraged you to make decisions that weren't what or when you really wanted in retrospect.
I married Andy because I wanted to. I wanted a partner to add color to a life that was already complete and help me share the load while also sharing his in turn. But on the outside, it looks like I'm complacently riding the escalator, meaning that there are subtle and not-so-subtle implications (not from our parents, thank God), that we should be readying for the next step of having children or buying a house.
I refuse to make a decision because it's what I "should" do or because it's "what I'm supposed to do." I also need to be careful that I don't make decisions because I specifically don't want to fit the mold, making decisions for the sake of being countercultural. This requires significant life decisions to go through a series of checks--am I doing X because I feel I "should" or it's the "next step?" am I doing Y because I want to? am I considering Z specifically to spite "the man?"
Am I making the decision because it's what I want and what is best for me, or am I making it to please someone else? That someone could be the amorphous idea of what society thinks I should be, what boxes that the world feels I should fit in. That someone else could be Andy--in some situations, that's enough and in others his opinion is important but doesn't overrule my own needs. I'm trying to get to the heart of what I want, weeding out the "supposed to"s and my knee-jerk reaction of making a choice specifically to be contrary.
For others, I extend the same freedom. The Monogamy Escalator is the right path for some people and they are welcome to choose it for their own reasons, but it is not the path for everybody. Taking a different path outside of that pattern is up to the individual--they're not a failure because they didn't fit in someone else's box. People are not defined by their relationship status and are free to make decisions that are best for their health and happiness without condescending looks of people insisting that they should be moving toward X step or Y step. How much useless anxiety this has placed on people, how many others have been pressured to stay in unhealthy situations, the miniscule reward for following the pattern for the sake of the pattern, it's not worth it, my friends. And keeping in a relationship with someone or bringing children into a situation where it's not really what was wanted just to fit the mold, that's a way to harbor resentment and create unhealthy situations. We don't have to ride the Relationship Escalator to be successful--we can be whole and have worth on our own and support others to do the same.
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