Happy Anniversary, Melvin

It has been a year.   I've had my colostomy, now, for a year.  How the living hell did that happen?  I think last I blinked it was April.

Yes, I absolutely did make a tiny party hat for Melvin.

I've hit a number of milestones.  I've hit a number of walls.  I've oscillated between radical self-acceptance and despair, feeling empowered and embarrassed in turns.  This is another one of those moments where I affirm that while I am not my disability, my disability is very much a part of who I am, affecting how I frame the world.   I have a LOT of feelings about this that I'm not sure how to process yet.

So I'm leaning toward celebrating this permanent change to my body by making another permanent change to my body:  I have an appointment to get a tattoo a little later this month.  (Yes, of course I will be making a blog post about the process.)

I'm also looking into Lasik for next month, potentially another permanent change to my body. 

It's maybe a weird kind of celebration.  Part of me is certain that I should adamant about preserving as much of my body as I can, rather than subjecting it to lasers and needles and ink.  But this process has always been about making my body the best that it can be.  I have been working toward that goal in many different ways but always toward that goal.  The image that I want to get is at least in part about the sense of humor that I approach my ostomy with, another declaration of self-acceptance. 

And these are changes that I am making completely voluntarily.  Not that my ostomy wasn't my choice, but it was a much more necessary choice.  I definitely chose my ostomy, but the other option was to continue to suffer needlessly, which wasn't a choice for me.  These other options of permanent change are wholly up to me, particularly the tattoo.  It's freeing.  I can make some big choices because I want to, not because it's the best thing to do in my circumstances.  I make a lot of other big decisions (where we want to live, how to best meet my professional goals, how we want to approach our financial goals, etc.) by weighing the list of everything, finding the most peace when I realize that I will probably have some regret regardless of what I choose.  I'm not saying that there is not a possibility for regret either in choosing to get a tattoo or Lasik, but not doing it doesn't have nearly the same kind of regret as other significant choices I've had to make.  I'm excited to have completely different consequences, if that makes sense. 

I've learned a lot; there's still so much more to process.  It's going to be a life-long adventure. 

Happy Anniversary, Melvin!  And now I have an excuse to eat cake today.

Technically, Melvin gets to enjoy cake too..?