Sometimes, There are Things I cannot Blog About

It happens every now and again that there are large things happening in my life that I cannot talk about publicly in such a place as this blog.  This can be for a good handful of reasons including, but not limited to, the following:

• It's not my story to tell
• It involves personal information from someone that I cannot mask well and/or do not have permission to post (which can also include not wanting to put that person in a place where they are not comfortable with saying yes but don't want to disappoint me)
• I can't find a coherent way to approach something that needs a lot more delving, that the thoughts won't organize for some reason
• There are elements that affect my job that I cannot discuss publicly
• There are elements that affect my personal relationships that I cannot discuss publicly

I have a weird cognitive dissonance when it comes to these reasons and my personal blog.  On the one hand, this is my blog, where I reserve the right to say what I will.  On the other hand, there are still boundaries (personal, relational, and social) that I need to respect.  There have been big things in my life recently that I have not been able to work through as a result of this tension.  My blog is one of my favorite tools for processing some of these big life things.  When the nature of those things means that they cannot be posted for the above or other reasons, I feel stuck.  Yes, I could absolutely write something up and not post it, but I do very much covet my writing time as it stands--it's difficult to dedicate the small writing time that I have to work on something that I cannot share, possibly ever.  There would still be merit in the creation and the processing, but if I can at least ensure that I have something for my self-imposed deadline first, that's where I tend to direct my energy.  

BUT I do have something now that I can finally discuss:  I have applied for, interviewed, and have since accepted a promotion at work.  I am a team manager now.  There's a lot to unpack in that.  I feel that I'm a healthy level of excited and anxious, that I have an idea of what I'm getting into and  will find a few surprises yet.  I am confident in my ability to figure things out as I go and to be cognizant of the politics of it all; I know there are going to be a few stumbling moments as I get my feet underneath me.  

I'm frustrated that it wasn't something I felt I could discuss here.  I wanted to bring folks in on that thought process, to talk about why I was thinking about it, what I was excited about, how the interview went, how as the time stretched out to hear back I was certain that they had offered to another applicant, and the swirl of emotions when I was asked with no additional context to call the branch manager when I was able to (I was onsite all last week), knowing that it was really good or really not.  There were probably a few social boundaries that I could at least bend a bit, particularly considering that I was applying within my same company (and a number of internal folk had already asked me if I was planning on applying for it, when our existing manager retired), but there was an element that felt should be hush-hush, at least publicly.  I talked about it relatively freely with anyone that asked, though.  So I was being very honest with anyone that asked the right questions but not broadcasting anything, in short.  

It feels weird to not discuss something this potentially huge on my blog, while at the same time I understand the reasons not to.  But I'm very relieved to be able to discuss this much more openly and share in this new opportunity.  Inevitably this will beget some of the same problem, where I want to share my experiences as I figure things out, but I also will not be able to reveal specifics, protect privacy of individuals and districts I work with, or discuss internal company concerns.  I recognize that's baggage I'll carry no matter where I work.  There will be times when I choose to bend those unwritten rules (though outright ignoring them is unlikely) and times when a filter is more necessary than I would like.  

For now, at least, I can stop hiding this piece of it:  manager training officially starts today!