Okay, so coming up to it I was anxious. Very anxious. This was the first one that I have done with a colostomy which means that the rules are different. That unknown is a flavor of unnerving. I wanted to be in control of the situation, as a means of protecting myself--I tend to assert my bodily autonomy with a practiced kind of force.
But once I was there, I delighted in throwing people off of their autopilot. A colonoscopy is a pretty standard procedure--however, I do not fit the normal mold anymore, by circumstance and by choice.
The tech brought me back to my room, handed my gown, and gave me instructions to strip down, except that I could leave my bra on. I started by asking if I really had to take my underwear off, explaining briefly that I had a colostomy.
"And it's completely closed off?"
"Yep, there's no way they're getting in that way."
"...um well..."
"Do you want to go ask someone?"
"Yeah, I think I'll go ask someone."
She came back later apologizing and saying that I probably should. I complied and then also asked if I could wear the socks that I brought that had the non-stick grip instead of the disposable hospital non-slip kind; I didn't want another pair of these to throw away. She was also unsure about these, but made the call to allow it.
My actual nurse came in to go over paperwork with me.
"You're the one with the colostomy?"
"Yep."
"And it's completely closed off?"
"It's sealed and permanent."
"Oh, you can totally wear your underwear."
"See, that's what I thought."
The nurse who was actually going to be with me in the procedure came in to join the conversation, get the IV started. She was talking a mile a minute but not irritatingly so. I mentioned casually that this is the third ostomy that I've had, and she asked me to explain, which led to a long slew of interruptions where she was assuming my answers and I was patiently correcting her until we had some semblance of the truth, at least. Finally, we got to the "wow, you've been through the ringer!" point and she seemed to slow down a bit. I told her that I had ostomy bag changes with me in case they were needed--she suggested that we could baggie one up and bring it in there with us, which I very much appreciated.
Then anesthesia came in to have me sign that paperwork. After their normal slew of questions and asking me to open my mouth to check my throat (in case emergency intibation became necessary), I threw my second major curveball: "I know that you said you weren't going to be the person in the room with me, but I want to start this conversation as soon as possible: I want to be awake for as much of the procedure as I can be."
This was immediately met with confusion, but she was quick to seek clarification and told me that she would make a note and to make sure that I have a conversation with the anesthesiologist in the room.
Eventually I was wheeled into the procedure room. It's amazing how much more secure you can feel when you're allowed to wear your underwear in and wear your own fluffy (but non-slip) socks. But I also had my extra ostomy supplies in my hand which helped almost more than everything else.
A tech in there was getting everything ready, wiping down the machines and the like. Once those tasks were complete, she turned to me and said: "Okay, now roll over onto your left side." I immediately asked why. She started stumbling through an answer and my nurse jumped in to explain that I had a colostomy. She didn't know, but she was also on autopilot. I softened a bit and cheerfully explained there was no entrance there anymore and exposed my colostomy bag.
Then, the anesthesilogist came in with "I heard you want to do something a little different." And he then came over to really talk to me, stating that he wanted to understand what my goals were. I felt heard and validated in that moment. What my doctor and I had discussed was a bit of anesthesia to get started, and then having me wake back up sooner, so that I could still see everything and be part of the conversation in the moment. He was thinking aloud, calculating his values out and I caught "Versed" in the list of medications. I asked him if that medication was counterproductive to my goals since it stops the brain from forming new memories. He looked at me again with new eyes, paused, and then explained with a smile that meant I was "in the club" that Versed actually had seven documented uses, which also included anti-anxiety and anti-epileptic (not that they were expecting any seizures today). Where we ended up was a bolus of everything so I do not remember the insertion, but I was able to be very lucid at the end when they were taking biopsies.
Things were looking good. And I got to be a part of that. I am an active part of my own healthcare team. And it saved my doctor from having to touchbase with me back in my room afterwards, since I was able to see things with her and run my own colon commentary.
It did start to feel uncomfortable right around the end. I was about to say something when the camera was out. While they were cleaning everything down, I was congratulating and thanking the team on a job well done and their patience. I then checked around the ostomy--there was a bit of oozing around it but not too bad. I asked for the bag to clip back on--the way it had been set down, the contents of the bag had oozed all over itself. I suggested that we go ahead and just do a bag change. They assured me that they could wipe it down, but I insisted that I could just go ahead and do the bag change if they could hand me the supplies. Once again very grateful to be awake and coherent. It's not that I don't think that they could have put the bag on well, but I know that I will put it on successfully. Having that control made me feel so much more secure.
I felt heard. I felt safe. AND I got a chance to see that my colon is looking pretty good on the inside as well as I have been feeling on the outside, which is incredibly validating.
And bonus: I can add a couple of items to my list of colostomy perks!
- Colonoscopy prep is SO much easier, with minimal sprinting toward the bathroom
- I can wear my underwear through a colonoscopy
- I can literally poop anywhere
- I am entirely desensitized to poop--doesn't faze me at all
- No one can pass the buck on their fart--it's not me unless there's a serious problem, yo
- I have the opportunity to remind people that not everyone faces the same situation
- I have the opportunity to share compassion with others going through significant medical or other life changes with a particular and authentic compassion by identification
And most importantly, I have a significantly improved quality of life.
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