I've been getting back into the pool recently, swimming laps again for cardio. It's been good for my heart in more than one way, where not only am I already starting to re-adjust to the work (acutely aware of how out-of-shape I am), but it's a delight to be back in the water again. I don't like to run much--I have too many jiggling parts to much enjoy it, I figure--but I hear from those that do run for fun/exercise that there is a point where you just zone out and let your mind disconnect from your body. I have gotten that with swimming, where I nearly lose track of which lap I'm on in my mile for the day, simply for being lost in my thoughts on something else. Muscle memory takes over. I am free in the water and idly plotting what I want to do for the next 250 yards.
But I have new joy right now at the gym that I have internally named "Locker Room Chicken." After I get out of the pool and shower, I wait until the last possible moment to cover up my ostomy bag. I make eye contact with people walking by, silently daring them to ask questions. I still smile, trying to be welcoming in a space where many people feel vulnerable. I will dry off the bag with a hairdryer, tend to everything else with the colostomy bag prominaently against my side--shameless.
So far, I've had one person ask a question, when we had a quick chat about tattoos. Most people look away quickly, going back to minding their own business in the locker room. So, not many conversations yet. However, the larger goal is to normalize myself in that space. I want to make ostomies more normal, for a couple hours at a time, not just for myself but for others, too.
It's a game of me versus societal expectations of the locker room. Where is the propriety necessary? When does it stop us from understanding? Where are these spaces open to new ideas? Should I bring a sign, that I'm open to discuss? It keeps me entertained, people-watching with that particular lens and wondering how many people recognize me for what and who I am. Folks who recognize it must have a story as to why and I make up these in my mind as I continue to rinse off the chlorine scent as best I can. Their stories are invisible in the same breath that I try to make mine more visible. Their life is as deep and complex as my own, now trying not to make eye contact with a strange woman in a locker room with something strange attached to her body.
Andy suggested maybe it's time for another tattoo...
Is there a special wrap you have to use to insure there is no leakage or the opposite - taken in water?
ReplyDeleteI have my stealthbelt that I wear, in particular the one made of neoprine (wetsuit material) that gives a fair bit of pressure against it. Strictly speaking, I don't need it, but it makes me feel much more confident, which is worth quite a bit by itself. Between that and my swimsuit, I'm reasonably confident nothing is getting in, certainly, but the pressure of peristalisis and such means that the possibility of leakage is always there--certainly minimized, though. Truly, though, the adhesive around the flang should be sufficient to ensure the seal stays. There is no way to eliminate all risk, and bearing that in my mind the real battle is finding what I need to increase confidence.
Deletehttps://www.stealthbelt.com/
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