Apologies

I was needlessly reflecting on something the other day that I wanted to chew on a bit:  I have a few folks in my acquaintance that apologize constantly.  If I'm honest about it, sometimes it annoys me and other times I hardly notice--the key difference for me seems to be what intent I'm reading behind the apology.

Let's break this down into a few different categories of chronic apologizers:

• It's a vocal tic, where they say sorry as part of their speech pattern, rather that to make any actual excuse or remorse--kind of like the call-and-response of the American greeting "how are you?" as far as sincerity.
• Persons who are trying to minimize the impact of whatever they're doing.  This one has two subcategories:
• They have been taught (i.e. trauma) to minimize themselves out of fear of retaliation.
• They're passive aggressively pushing an agenda.
• The real intent of the apology is for you to flood compliments on how wonderful they actually are, where you are supposed to contradict them in a manipulative demand for praise.
• The individual, possibly through trauma or anxiety, has been trained that they cannot take up space and feels a need to apologize for taking up ANY space.

The shift in my brain is where I place the dividing line between passive aggression/manipulation and the trauma element.  I've mentioned a few times over that I don't have a lot of patience for passive aggression, and yet I also recognize in the same breath that the best manipulators don't realize that they're doing it, which makes for some interesting mental gymnastics sometimes.  I have a few folks in mind specifically, too, that I know live with anxiety or trauma to the degree that they need particular reassurance that they are allowed to take up space--my immediate reaction is to fight them on it, to insist repeatedly that they don't need to apologize for voicing a need or their opinion.  Simultaneously, I don't want to hurt these individuals further by my eventual distress in insisting that they can have space (accidently adding guilt), inadvertently stopping them from expressing something they need to express, or otherwise enabling them by providing outside reassurance when they need to grow internal resources and/or self empathy.  In my own small way, I want to give them part of that space back, from whatever is taken from them, but not at the cost of them never learning pieces for themselves.  I'd also be lying if I said there wasn't a point of frustration where I wish that the individual would believe me the first time instead of having to repeat it x times over.  The short of it is that I cannot assume that I know what someone needs or that what they need now is what they'll need every time.  Mostly, that means I've stopped responding to apologies in certain contexts, rather than assume I know the right response.

Everyone has their own apology languages, different ways that they prefer to both apologize and receive apologies.  I want my apologies to carry my intended meaning and not some accidental passive aggression and/or minimize the impact of what I want to say.  Additionally, there are still times when I'm grateful that the social acknowledgement of the situation has happened, though this can be done without an apology.

For example, there is a huge difference in tone between "Sorry I'm late," and "Thank you for your patience."  

1. The former focuses on the individual who performed the wrong, highlighting the flaw in a spotlight for additional, uncomfortable scrutiny that may not be necessary and does not move either party past it
2. The former also can encourage a disingenuous call-and-response kind of reply, "oh, no problem" whether or not there was any real hurt involved because socially you've been trapped and otherwise shut down from much further conversation about it
3. The latter, however, acknowledges the inconvenience of the injured party while also giving them a space to say more if they need to--for me, the acknowledgement in itself is huge
4. The latter expresses gratitude--yes, this can be a little assumptive depending on the degree of the injury, but many of the day-to-day mistakes can be well covered by this
5. There's less chance of the following, getting into that manipulation territory again:

This rephrasing is applicable in so many places:  "I'm sorry I'm talking too much," turns into "thank you for listening," or "thank you for letting me get that all out."  "I'm sorry for being so difficult," to "thank you for honoring my dietary needs."  

Here's a rule of thumb:  if the apology is to protect yourself, consider its root and whether it could be a gratitude statement; if the apology is to genuinely express remorse, word it with intention.

Apologies are necessary--we're going to fuck up from time to time.  However, it's worth looking at our own intentions with our apologies, particularly if they can be rephrased as gratitude.  This is kinder to ourselves--giving ourselves the grace we would give others if the situation were reversed--and acknowledges the injured party in a way that gives them space.  As a side benefit, when I reduce the number of apologies I make in normal situations (i.e. removing the "sorry for the late reply" kinds of statements), I give more credence to my needed apologies.  Andy and I have a policy when it comes to true apologies--we allow the other the space to think about what needs to apologized for.  I could give Andy a half-assed "Sorry your feelings got hurt" in the moment OR I could give him a sincere "I'm sorry I worded that in such a clumsy, hurtful way and made it worse by snapping at you," returning to it a half-hour later.  That makes a huge difference when we need it, in what we learned from it as well as significantly decreasing the total resentment quotient.  

Yes, I made up the phrase "total resentment quotient."  We're not perfect at solving all concerns without carrying over any additional frustration, but I would say that knowing how to fight is an important couple skill, particularly when we can decrease the carryover between ourselves in particular.  But more on that another time.