Update #2465 Beta

Already in week four of my nursing program, meaning that I'm a third of a way through the summer.  

I still feel like I'm going to wake up one morning and clock back into my old job.  It's just...weird.  

So, how am I doing in the program?  Great question.  Glad I pretended that you asked.  

I am pendulating hard right now.  I have moments where I feel ready and confident and certain and "hells yeah, I belong here." And then I have moments where I wonder why ANYONE would trust me with the well-being of another living thing, and I feel my stomach roil and churn under a quiet smile.  I have the first slew of tests under my belt, now, so at least some of the "you don't belong here" element is calming slightly.  Both of these states are fine on their own--I have the coping to work within both--but the violent oscillation between the two of them, whipping back and again between the two of them, that's exhausting.  That's where I'm tired.  

I mean, there were twenty chapters of reading to do for the first week, but, again, it's the circumstances coupled with this steady wearing-down that makes the tired hit a little bit differently at the moment.  

There are lot of things happening in our world right now that I don't feel I have the emotional capital to address to the degree that A) I would like to and B) that they rightfully deserve, particularly when silence is taking the side of the oppressor.  And thus, the world and what's going on with it adds another dimension to the pendulum swinging, the "how can you be worried about yourself when there is so much injustice in the world?" direction, too. And on the X, Y, and Z axis, whelp, it gets all the more dizzying.  

Or maybe something more like this

In short, I'm adjusting.  There's a lot to suss out with this change, yet, and I am confident that I will find my feet in time in the same breath that I can be gentle with myself while doing so.  I am thoroughly determined to learn as much as possible with this opportunity and have specific goals in that which will be accomplished, one way or another.  There will be different, unexpected blocks along the way, and I will be allowed to be frustrated in those moments while still ultimately confident in where I will be--all pieces exist in the same space, and I'm allowed to feel the complexity of that.  There will be peace as the swing arm slows down a bit, and there will be grace until it does.