So, my stoma, our dear Melvin, is about an inch up and three inches over to the right from my belly button. That placement is going to be an important landmark to bear in mind for some of the visualization that I want to impart. Feel free to take a moment to find it on yourself, if you don't mind. Now, mentally attach a plastic baggy of chocolate pudding to that spot, a bag that is shaped roughly nine inches long and five inches wide. To match me, you could wear the long side of the bag horizontally; or to match many others, you could have the long side lay vertically.
With me so far?
Now, of course, that hypothetical baggy is not actually full of chocolate pudding. How do you open the end and let its contents spill out into the toilet while wearing as little of the pudding as possible? What way do you want to maneuver your body to avoid splashing or spillage on your toilet seat or clothes? Keep in mind, too, that the top of my bag happens to end either just below the top of my thighs or several inches above my thighs, depending on which way I'm negotiating the long side.
--Option A-- Stand up and empty the bag into the bowl
Pro: no extra bending; fight the man and demand that the world apply to you
Con: LOTS of splashing and post-cleanup after a multi-foot drop, meaning a great deal of soiled clothing and bathroom cleaning; discourteous to other persons
Conclusion: No one is actually going to do this, unless they threw out their back or there's some kind of emergency.
--Option B-- Sit on the toilet "normally," spread your legs as far as possible, and empty the bag into the bowl between your legs
Pro: does not look weird to the person in the next bathroom stall; feels more "normal;" a lesser drop for the bag contents to fall; bag easier to control sitting down
Con: splash possibility likely; incredibly tricky in a skirt; incredibly difficult if you have thick thighs or have limited range to stretch your legs out; incredibly difficult if you have a significant gut, even if you're all the way back on the toilet seat; likely to leave streaks at the comparatively dry front of the toilet bowl
Conclusion: If you have a small toilet bowl or have any kind of gut-weight, this gets tricky quickly. Also, with as high as my bag sits, we're still talking about a bit of a plummet. And trying to do this with a skirt takes significant negotiation. Emotionally, this feels more reminiscent of the old "normal."
--Option C-- Sit on the toilet "normally," spread your legs as far as possible, double in half, and empty the bag into the bowl between your legs
Pro: same pros as above; even less splashage; very controlled release
Con: if you have a significant gut, you're now flying completely blind; in fact, you're occluding your space and most likely flying blind; requires some flexibility; you're putting your face closer to the splash/smell zone; still very tricky if you're wearing a skirt; likely to leave streaks at the comparatively dry front of the toilet bowl
Conclusion: The doubling in half is because my stoma sits high AND I wear my bag to the side. It's hard to get your hands in there and not have a great view because of all the limbs, which means trying to move your legs wider which may or may not be easy with whatever clothes I'm wearing. This is the most controlled so far, but it also takes the most flexibility in positioning.
--Option D-- Sit on the toilet backwards, spread legs as far as possible, bend as necessary, and empty the bag into the bowl between your legs
Pro: the back of the toilet becomes a shelf; there is more water at the back of the toilet bowl, meaning less residual poop in the bowl; controlled release into the bowl
Con: if you scoot back too far, you could fall off the front of the toilet; depending on ostomy placement, you might have to bend so far forward that your head is resting against the toilet tank; the person in the stall next to you is very confused; still difficult to negotiate a skirt; requires some flexibility
Conclusion: My stoma sits a little too high to make this practical, where when I bend over to get the lip of the bag close to the water, I'm on the very edge of the front of the toilet OR half-resting my head on the top of the toilet tank bent over. That extra shelf can come in handy, though.
--Option E-- Knell or squat in front of the toilet bowl, lean your body over the toilet bowl
Pro: glorious visibility; a lot of control on the release into the bowl; negotiating a skirt is about as difficult as any other clothing; works regardless of toilet bowl shape
Con: BALANCE; your poor knees; emptying into the front of the toilet bowl has a higher chance for residual poop; greater chance of trailing clothes; face close up to the bowl and you become very aware of how clean the toilet is or isn't; the person in the stall next to you is concerned that you're unwell
Conclusion: This is the one that I tend to use, because regardless of what I'm wearing or the shape of the toilet, it will work. It also gives me the most control and visibility. My knees, though, are not going to be okay with this forever, meaning that this is not something I would recommend to anyone with knee problems.
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There are a few things that work for all parties, such as laying down a couple of squares of toilet paper to help keep the ploppage to a minimum, breaking the surface tension and also helping move out stool from the front of the bowl more cleanly. In summation, though, it takes a fair bit of art and adaptation to negotiate a surface that is not built with me in mind. And, of course, depending on how loose the chocolate pudding is that day and what you're wearing and what shape the toilet is and what room you have to move in, the variables will recommend different approaches.
SO. If the world won't shape to me, we intend to at least shape our small corner of the world.
We have found a contractor, and we'll be redoing our downstairs bathroom. We're looking forward to this for a number of reasons, including having actual ventilation in that bathroom, building a master closet as part of the project (on the other side of the wall), and having a shower that Andy can stand up in. Yet my shining detail is that we're also adding a flushing sink, something that I can use to empty my ostomy at standing height.
Details and updates forthcoming!
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