Seek, Rather than Avoid

In in the vein of trauma informed thinking, I was discussing with my therapist my worries about being idle.  When I have idle time, the first day is spent adjusting to it, the second day is glorious, and by the end of the third day, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.  Being still reminds me of places in my life where I was forced to slow down, isolated in my recuperation periods.  

As such, I tend to like being busy--even as a base scaffolding of sorts--as a protective measure.  The gap at the end of nursing school, before orientation began, I wanted to try something different.  My therapist and I discussed that avoiding pain wasn't always as successful as seeking pleasure.  That is to say, trying to force the absence is hard; replacing on the other hand is often a more successful plan.  It was a new perspective on an old concern.  Hell, I hear it works for training animals--replacing a behavior rather than stopping a behavior by, say, teaching a dog to grab a pillow when someone is at the door instead of stopping barking--so why not take advantage of our own wiring?  

This means that I had to manage a couple of steps:  

• Intentionally ask myself what I was feeling in those spaces and allowing myself to feel those spaces
• Ask instead in those spaces what I was looking forward to doing, what I was grateful to have a chance to do

Instead of focusing on existential dread, of worrying about being caught in a swell of emotions, I worked on changing the direction of my thoughts.  It's certainly still a work in progress, yet I can say that there were at least a few afternoons of fun reading and time spent hanging out with Luna that had at least a few degrees less of the typical anxiety.  

"I'm looking forward to swimming a couple of miles a week again," I told myself.  "I'm looking forward to starting my new adventure as an RN," I'd follow.  "And I am allowed to rest in the meanwhile from time to time without feeling guilty," I tell myself somewhat unsuccessfully.  

There's an interesting tension that follows sometimes, in not enjoying my rest "enough" or as efficiently as I "should."  Internalized capitalism, unnecessary self-pressure, a mixture of these and other factors come together into a perfect storm of blah conditioning.  I acknowledge the feelings that are there first, whether or not I understand the root.  The idea is to create a frameshift in how I think about things that I fear.  The impulse is to protect, to guard myself; the proposed change is not to ignore that impulse but instead direct the bulk of my energy toward what I am looking to gain, how I'm looking to grow.  

...so, you know, easy work.