The Truth Behind us All

Going on a science tangent today.  Please bear with me, because I think many of you might like where this is going.

When the egg and sperm cell first fuse together to create your own unique jumble of DNA that makes you you, the cells go through some immediate replication, creating a ball of cells that stays roughly the same size (the average size of a period printed on a page) but is rather dense in the sheer number of cells now occupying that space.  

The next step in the process is for the cells to shift around a bit, where they indent in and start to form a concave section (called a blastopore) and pushing it further up.  In other words, if you have a piece of play-dough and are working a hole from one end all the way to the other side, that's essentially what happens.  The cells re-shape so that no cell is separated or torn away, but simply moves to accommodate this new arrangement.  Ultimately, this will create openings for the nutrients and waste to flow in and out of, all the while keeping the system as closed as possible.  This path eventually becomes the digestive tract, helping to determine what is inside and what is outside the body.  

Kind of like these weird, slippery toys.

We are in a certain category of creatures called deuterostomes.  This means that the hole that formed first, that becomes part of the digestive tract, will eventually becomes the anus.  

For a brief moment in your life, you were literally just an asshole.  

Whether or not the person that cut you off in traffic has ever grown out of that state, who can say?  But we were all for a short moment only an asshole.

Happy New Year!

Some Christmas Spirit

I'm not sure whether it's the political nature going on right now, actual nature being confusing, or some mixture of all kinds of things, but I've noticed that I'm not the only one that has been struggling to find some Christmas spirit this year.  It took some doing, but we came around to it in the end.  

 We started with cookies at the Big Peterson House.  Decorating cookies was not something in my family tradition growing up, but I've quickly found that this was a tradition I very much enjoy.  

FEAR MY DUCK ARMY, conquering a cookie tray near you.

And some Christmas presents are always lovely.  

Andy needed someone to play with.

...And became the first casualty.  He admits I won the first bout.

Started off at the Big Peterson House, had our church events, went to Indiana, went back to the Big Peterson House, and went to Hopedale so far.  I have another stop this weekend, and Andy and I will both be going to St. Louis after that and then to another friend's house the weekend after that.  I plan to be very stationary the next weekend.

One way or another, Christmas has begun to mean "busy" more than what it ought to mean.  Historically, I've been able to separate it out very well, and there is no doubt in my mind that when I'm actually with my family and friends that I'm glad I came.  However, there is no denying that there are extra plans and responsibilities that come with Christmas now, requiring a great deal of foresight and organizing.  And Andy and I are certainly blessed that we have people who want to spend time with us.  The crux of the question becomes whether I need to change my understanding of what the Christmas Spirit is?  The religious implications haven't changed, but the carefree components and the unrestrained joy/excitement have been ebbing away as the years go on.  

This isn't inherently bad.  It's just a different, older perspective.  What Christmas means to me now just isn't the same that it used to mean me.  It has grown, and so have I.  Christmas didn't feel like Christmas this year more because I was expecting it to feel like it used to.  The last couple of years I've expected it to feel like it used to.  What was different about this year was this is the first year really that I've been able to have a more active role, since the last few Christmases I was more of a passenger--energy is still not where I remember it being, but I have made some wonderful strides, able to actually move from one stop to the next for at least a little while.  Wrapping/buying/bringing presents, plotting destinations, car tetris, coordinating with people, bringing baked goods, and more, there are a few components that require my attention.  

Christmas Spirit wasn't so much missing as overshadowed.  Reminds me of Martha from the Bible, so caught up in the details that she forgets to enjoy Jesus' presence.  I suspect I will have a few more years to figure out how to get better at this.  In the meanwhile, that feeling is here, when I remind myself to stop and simply enjoy.  

...And I'm going to pointedly ignore the fact that two things might have just added to my calendar for this next week and read my new book instead.

Anger, Again

When I sit down to actually create a blog post, I have been thinking about how I want to word things all day, at least.  And I don't stop thinking about it after I've posted it and notified Facebook.  Inevitably there are instances where I make some great connection later or think of six better ways I could have said something or a better piece of evidence I should have brought forward.

Well, I've done it to myself again and I don't want to let this one go.  Besides, I've done it before, where I posted the piece about things that don't love you back and was aghast that I had forgotten to mention celebrity worship as part of that same idea.  In any case, here we go again.

I turned on the news again today and have been thinking further about anger as a motivating force.  I don't deny that it was sparked my initial thoughts on the matter--in fact, I thought that was fairly clear.  But I still have a couple more things to say, it seems.  

Firstly, I want to say upfront that we have Bernie sticker proudly on our car, if you couldn't guess from the constant stream on Andy's Facebook page.  My goal today is not to persuade you to sway to my side politically, though I would welcome a conversation outside of this post or Facebook.  I want to mention something that was pointed out to me the other day.  Bernie is angry.  At first, I had thought "nah, he's passionate," and then I thought about it further.  I could definitely draw that parallel--if nothing else--between his campaign and Trump's campaign.  These are angry men. 

And I think that they have every right to be.  I'm angry about a lot of things going on in our world and in our country, too.  But here we see the two sides:  Trump's anger is unrestrained and lashes out in all kinds of negative directions.  Bernie, well, he uses his anger to fuel change, certainly riled up but not dissolving to ad hominem/straw-man/**insert your favorite logical fallacy here**.  For some of Bernie's own words on staying angry, feel free to check out this interview with rapper Killer Mike (the post also has some highlights at the bottom).  Otherwise, for a brief comparison, check out this short complication with Barbara Walters.

That being said, not every time Trump opens his mouth is purely ill-used anger and not everything Bernie has done was necessarily the coolest solution to the situation, but I think that there is a much better balance on Bernie's side of using that anger toward productive means.  It's a spectrum, when you're balancing between logic and emotion and some of those best solutions should have elements of both.  

So that's the emotion part and using it to fuel.  Let's talk about that logic part.  There's a poll floating around (HuffPost, Washington Post, and Time for starters) where a significant percentage of people are in support of bombing Agrabah.  Yes, Agrabah.  Which is a fictional city from Disney's Aladdin.  That as an example of the many, many things that get passed around the internet with many people reading the headline and sending it along its merry way.  

There are some new rumors floating around, and I don't know what to make of them yet.  The story is that there was a Trump supporter that was reported to the police, who then took three days to investigate, and ultimately found bombs in this person's home, with the express intent of bombing mosques.  I have been having a hard time finding good resources for this, but there are enough important stories that we know don't receive adequate coverage anyway, so I'm not sure if this is an example of "we're just not going to talk about this" collectively decided by the powers that be (such as Bernie's endorsement by Anonymous) or a probable rumor.  Because when we look at the inflammatory rhetoric and the tension floating around right now, let's be honest--this is a very probable rumor.  

Court TV has taught me that it can be hard to pin down someone for inciting other people to incite violence or very easy, depending on where the drama takes me next.  I have no real legal understanding of what kinds of charges can or cannot be made.  I do know that that kind of hate speech has no quarter in my life.  Freedom of speech means that people can say what they want, sure, but when it infringes upon the liberty and safety of others, that's where things get squiffy.  I'm not talking about hurt feelings--and just because you can say whatever the hell you want does not mean I have to a) agree with you or b) even listen to you--but putting the whole "life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness" part up to question.  When people are scared for their lives, something is wrong.  

So where I seem to be coming together with this train of thought is that anger is not inherently bad, but we certainly need to put a stop to it when it is used to legitimately hurt people.  Are we using that energy as a force for good or to propagate more negativity, in its various forms?

Holding Together

Last night, our community held a candlelight vigil on the steps of the Old Courthouse in Downtown Bloomington to show our solidarity with our Muslim brothers and sisters.  All told, at least 200 people came--I'm terrible at guessing numbers or I might give you a more precise amount, but at least 200 were there.  

It was cold, but our hearts were warm as people passed light to one another and even handed out cookies.  Most everyone had bundled up, except for a handful of folks who joined in on the fly.  We heard from a rabbi, a Presbyterian pastor, a leader from the mosque in town, and the Bloomington mayor, if I don't misremember.  The general message was thus:  we will not allow fear to divide our community, nor bigotry to be tolerated in our midst.  

With all of the bullshit flying around in the media and on facebook and all else, it was nice to have a reminder that there are those who will not stand for the hate and fear-mongering.  There are other people out there that recognize others as people first and realize that we have more commonalities than differences.  I've been so disheartened lately by all the hateful rhetoric, that this event was something that I sorely need.  Thank you, people of Bloomington-Normal, for coming out in support of one another.

Anger as a Motivating Force

I was on the road again this last week.  It was a long trip as most work trips tend to be, but at least I had a coworker with me this time to share a meal with and have some company.  Still, after completing the training on day two, I had a three hour drive back home, just to turn around a go right to choir practice.  So I was struggling to stay focused on the drive back.  

I stopped for coffee, but that wasn't enough.  From there, I went for the radio.  Having no luck finding something that I could sing along with or that otherwise struck my mind, I found a news channel.  But once things started to cycle again to the same talking points, I found something else, out of desperation:  I found something that made me angry.  

I found a radio station that was talking about how Islam is not a peaceful religion and how we should ban all Muslims from entering the US.  

I was frustrated and angry enough that I stayed well-awake for the rest of the way home.

In a nutshell, I'm thoroughly disgusted by a lot the rhetoric floating around.  If you can tell the difference between the KKK or the WBC and the United Methodist Church (as an example), then you can tell the difference between these extremists and the majority of Muslims.  In fact, these are the people that the Syrian refugees are trying to get away from, for goodness sake.  And this fear mongering is EXACTLY what ISIS wants.  If the people caught in the crossfire stay there, you have hostages and you have skilled persons and you have relief resources pouring in; it is lucrative to keep them there.  ISIS wants us to be distrustful and fearful of all persons because hate will perpetuate more hate and add more fuel to all kinds of fires.  

If you are reading an article or listening to an opinion, try this litmus test:  replace "Muslim" with "Jew" then ask yourself "Does this person sound like a Nazi?"  There were articles going around in World War II asking if we should be taking any European (and particularly Jewish) immigrants in, especially from Germany and we are well aware now of what they were trying to escape from.  

I have a lot more ranting points that I could go into, but that's not the main message that I want to focus on today.  There is a lot of anger out there right now and a lot of fear.  We can use anger.  We have seen so many examples where anger is used to fuel poor decisions--lashing out, shootings, etc.--but what if we could fuel that into something productive?  We can choose to use it well or poorly.  I used it to keep me awake.  I've used anger at my body's situation to work on making it better.  

Anger isn't itself a negative thing, but it is often used as an excuse to do negative things.  I've seen people get mad and channel that energy into writing letters, starting a campaign, picketing, protecting other people, creating events, educating people, and a number of other options.  What you do with those emotions is going to have a huge impact, one way or the other.  Back when your sibling or a neighbor picked on you when you were growing up, someone might have told you to "just ignore them."  Sometimes, when they couldn't draw a reaction out of you, they escalated the antagonism or they lost interest.  When someone deeply offends you, your reaction can make it better or make it worse or it could not matter at all.  I feel it is better to not make things worse, such as inadvertently justifying the cause of the other side.  But I know many people who cannot let some things go.  

Anger itself is not the problem, but the choices that are made in its wake, those powered by a strong, emotional backing, that is where we will be judged next by our peers and enemies alike.  Not because we were angry but because of how we responded to that anger.  This involves keeping a cool head while simultaneously feeling your hackles rise, a wonderfully paradoxical idea.  Weighing reason and emotion together to approach the situation as best it can be met sounds equally difficult, but we're facing a lot of tough decisions as a country and even as individuals--don't these problems deserve our best responses rather than ill-informed sources and knee-jerk responses?

Christmas Lights(aber)

We're getting more in the spirit here, in the Little Peterson household.  After claiming out tree from storage, it is up and glowing.  Most of our Christmas shopping is done and wrapped, except for a few more still in transit.  

Of course we have a music theme

However, there has been something else glowing in our house...

I have the two moods represented here.  To the right, serious face, the "I am a badass and have a lightsaber" face.  To the left, the giddy "I have an awesome, shiny new toy" face.  In fact, owning a lightsaber apparently involves a lot more prancing than I had expected.  Every so often now, I hear the PISSAH starting sound and giggling coming from the other room.  Andy has taken to using his lightsaber as a flashlight, rather than turning on a light in a room as he moves around the house.  And then serious face will come back as he takes a couple swings at some invisible foe, the blade making the appropriate noises.  

It's another thing that makes our house what it is, allowing our geeky side to come out.  No big soapbox today; just wanted to share that with you.

Assessment of Goals

As with all goals, it is important to check in with what progress has been made.  This process validates the effort that has been made, can mark the goal as complete, and otherwise can inspire you to keep going.

I had a post about a month ago outlining some of my ideas of what I wanted to work on.  

I have posted eleven out of my proposed fifteen posts for November.  No, I didn't meet that goal, but that was pretty damn good considering all of the other things that we had going on that month.  It was validating regardless.  It also showed me that I don't have to step quite so hard on the soapbox every time--I've had a tendency to think that I need to turn things into a big philosophic point each time.  Some things lend themselves that way, sometimes I need to let things be what they are, and sometimes what I've come to say doesn't need it.  This opens the door to say other things.  This also takes away some of the pressure of coming up with a good idea, which even though my mind knows is okay the rest of me still needs that occasional reminder.  

Piano lessons are moving along.  I have been working on a piece that I would not have been brave enough to try a few months ago.  

At work I have certified in another module and am moving closer to a promotion--just a couple more pieces to finish there.

What sticks out most though is that I have been going to the gym more regularly.  Typically, I've been going at least twice a week, now, usually trying to swing some combination of a personal training appointment if possible, a yoga class, and a some swimming.  Have I lost any weight?  Nope.  But I'm not disappointed by that.  Firstly, weight is just a number, an indicator rather than the end all and be all.  However, I can swim a mile much more easily than I had a month and a half ago.  In fact, I can swim that mile and then go run errands.  I can make it all the way through my personal training appointment without having to stop and sit down.  My endurance is not showing physically, but am feeling enough of a small difference to be optimistic and keep trying.  We also got Wii Fit U, which has been encouraging me to walk more if nothing else.  Nutrition has always been a touchy subject for me because I know that my rules are not mainstream and always in flux as far as what I can eat.  I am considering some different ideas in this area, but am not ready to talk about them much as of yet.  Got a bit of research to do still.  

So, in short, progress is there.  

It's easy to get disheartened, when changes are drastic or when goals aren't met precisely.  When I have a bad day health-wise, it's easy to fall back into that way of thinking that says "if I really loved myself, I would stick with my eating/exercise plan even though I'm feeling this way."  Still working on that one, sometimes.  The real trick I've found, though, is to give yourself goals that you can actually measure and you can actually meet.  

The "meet" portion is a little more obvious, except perhaps in the time spectrum.  Give yourself enough time to meet your goals, accounting for those bad days in there and with enough leeway in your self-judgement.

The "measure" portion is one of those duh moments when you think about it, but I've talked to more than one person that when frustrated with his or her goals, I pointed out that maybe they need to define and potentially change what they're measuring by.  Are you giving yourself a fair measuring stick?  When my goal for a long time was just "to get better," I was continually frustrated--that goal was so vague that I had no way to actually mark any progress.  Pick a specific step or "try X for # of times in a month" as a goal rather than the whole thing.  Your progress needs to be measurable and to an extent defined.  Otherwise, it's much, much harder to keep going on that main goal.  

Thank you for holding me accountable for what I set out to do.  Thank you for your encouragement along the way.  I hope I can repay it in kind.  Keep heart and press on, my friends.  

Invisible Battles

It's funny to me on occasion when we're not always necessarily aware of what we should be aware of.  For example, I nearly forgot that it was Crohn's and Colitis Awareness week.  So I wasn't aware that I was supposed to be aware and wanted you to be aware of that and aware of it with me.  Or something like that.

But this is something that's just been a part of my life now for more than half of my life that I can't NOT be aware of it.  I was diagnosed with Crohn's when I was twelve years old, more than half my life now.  There was a short period of time in high school when I wasn't on medication, but otherwise I have always been on some kind of medication, have to plan around the bathroom, or am otherwise always thinking in the back of my mind that need to budget my energy.  Sometimes that medication means that I get to give myself an injection, that I have to make sure on vacation that I have kept the syringes cold, like a diabetic.  Currently, I'm back to planning a trip to the hospital to get an IV infusion of my medication every eight weeks, which I'm very grateful that my job has been very flexible in working around.  I'm still at a point where if I don't eat when I'm hungry, I get very sick.  And I don't always travel well.  And when my body tells me to stop, I really do need to listen.  And there are many, many other things that I have to consider and keep in the back of my head whenever I go out to eat or plan my day or just try to live my daily life.  

It is always there, in the back of nearly every decision.  Even in buying something as innocuous as a sweater--"Can I have this nice, new thing, or should I save money for when [not if, mind you] my body is going to break again?"  

I don't mean to pull sympathy, but I do seek understanding.  If you're someone that does not live with a chronic illness, this is a world that you don't completely understand.  There are elements that are identifiable, certainly, but a real understanding, constantly thinking about it, and dealing with the physical elements, too, that's a reality that I hope that people don't experience.  

That being said, you wouldn't look at me and know that this is my reality.  I don't think I look sick.  In fact, I look remarkably well-fed, even though my body doesn't absorb nutrients very well, which I find amusing and depressing at the same time.  I also don't feel as though anyone can tell from my disposition.  

But I have an invitation with Crohn's and Colitis Awareness Week.  I am very open about my experience with Crohn's, but I still wait for that invitation.  I need someone to ask me how I am and be interested in the answer.  I need people to check in on me.  I need people to give me that leeway when I need it and take me at my word when I say that I cannot stay a little while longer.  I don't want people to look at me and see my disease, but I want people to know that I'm working through something.

And I am certainly not the only one.  Crohn's is one of many, many invisible ailments.  A cancer patient or someone with a broken limb, those are more obvious.  Mental illness can have absolutely no external markers, but rest assured that individual has not forgotten it's there.  

This week, there's some extra focus on awareness for those with Crohn's and Colitis and those that love people with Crohn's and Colitis.  Take the opportunity to educate people wherever you can.  Remember to push for legislation that can help those suffering from chronic illness of all kind (caps on pharmaceutical pricing, for example).  But what I would really want to push for and see carried past this week:  grant people some extra grace.  Just because you cannot see that someone is struggling does not mean that they're not fighting some kind of an invisible battle.  Consider that when the fast food worker is slow with your burger or someone cuts you off in traffic.  I'm not saying assume that everyone has an excuse, but that people have reasons for why they are they way they are and why they do what they do.  Reasons are not excuses, but that understanding can give you the right kind of perspective to address the situation in a way that won't make things worse.  

Be gracious to one another.  And hug a Crohnie this week.