Basis for Comparison

One Week:  

Given some trepidation that I've highlighted before, I am somewhat worried that this is a post that I should keep to myself.

I was shocked the other day to notice that I was feeling pretty good.  Shocked, I say, as in stopping mid-step and casting an odd look at the floor as I ran a systems check to be sure.  I could not identify a lingering pain or any symptoms of outstanding side-issues.  I felt good, as in good being the absence of bad.  

And it was weird.

I don't ever get to stop thinking about my body, measuring out my energy and preparing for another eventual meltdown.  But I had for a couple hours that morning gone about my life less inhibited than I've gotten used to.  And perhaps inhibited isn't the right word--maybe I mean guarded.  

Weird how the body fades away when it doesn't make itself known, that I'm a vessel for my thoughts instead of a manikin to command, occupying those thoughts with the mechanics.  I find myself moving with more confidence, more energy, and a broader smile all around.

Another Week:

I hate everything again.  In a two day span, I've felt the beginnings of an abscess crop back up.  After I contacted my doctor hoping to preempt the problem before it got worse, I received a request for bloodwork and then radio silence for the next day and a half while everything was getting worse and worse.  And when it gets to the point that I cannot sleep because it hurts that badly, it's too much.  We're to a week now of continued blah.

Slowly, things are starting to turn around again.  My energy levels are starting to return again, but in the meanwhile, I'm still frustrated and pissed off.

Where that Leaves Me:

I'm so confused.  When things turn bad, I don't understand how I got back to this point.  When things are going well, I've hit this phenomena where I keep surpassing what I thought was the best mark--yes, a good problem, but still something I'm having a terrible time wrapping my head around.  It has been years since I've felt consistently good that I really cannot remember what it's like.  

At least I'm bouncing back more quickly than I used to.  I've seen progress between my meds, diet, and increased exercise in that.  I've been in a similar pattern before when I'm not sure how much I can push toward getting better and how much I should mentally prepare for this being the best it can be.  My basis for comparison has been so skewed that I don't even know how to measure anymore.