Taking Risks

Please refrain from bad puns about stealing a pile of board games when you look at that title.  Or rather, feel free to make them but keep them elsewhere.

A while back when I was going through student teaching, there were a few spirit days during Homecoming Week.  For 80's day, I elected to wear a homemade Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume, Donatello to be specific.  

Turtle Power!

Driving there was a wee bit difficult because I had elected to drive with the backpack on under the rather large brown shirt (spray painted and drawn on).  I don't remember why I decided that was easier, but it took me at least four minutes to fix the seat so I could reach the peddles and steering wheel in a way that made sense.  The whole way to school that day, I was debating about turning around and changing.  Once I was far enough away from home, I switched instead to reminding myself that this was probably a terrible idea.  I wondered again and again if this was just too much, if my cooperating teacher was going to be upset with me, if this would affect my professional chances, etc.  This was your first spirit day as a teacher, and you have gone overboard, I told myself.  

Taking a deep breath, I put on a smile and nodded to people as I walked into the building.  The kids loved it.  

It was a risk.  It was definitely a risk.  But it paid off for me.  

I've felt that same anxiety giving a Christmas present or two, knowing that it was a bit of a gamble.  I've done it with jokes.  I've done it with surprises, once running a surprise intentionally so I could check to see if it was okay.  

Here's what I've found--the best Christmas gifts I've ever given had me churning inside.  The funniest jokes were all the better as that anxiety went with them.  The best surprises involved that bit of risk.  

That's not to say all Christmas presents I felt unsure about were amazing.  Some I thought were good ideas were probably re-gifted that same year.  It's okay.  I had to try.  

As another example, Andy sang at the Bloomington Edge game a little while back (listen to it here on the June 6th entry), and I swear we both thought he was actively dying.  He didn't want to eat anything, all kinds of aches and pains, scratchy throat, etc.  But once he got out there to do his thing, let his voice fill that space, a simultaneous peace and excitement took its place.  Yep, Andy's a performer.  

There are times when I sit down to write another piece of the blog, where I hover over the orange Publish button and just stare at it for a few seconds before going back to scan over everything again.  

I post a lot of intimate things on this blog.  I worry that I might inadvertently single someone out.  I post some things that I'm really thinking and open myself up for that scrutiny.  I worry that when I feel something is an epiphany or at least a strong point that someone is rolling their eyes and going "well, duh," to their screen.  That is a risk in putting that piece of myself out there, that it could then be rejected.  

But that was part of the whole purpose of writing a blog.  I don't want to have a fake presence up on Facebook, where I refrain from saying one thing or another because someone might see it and start an argument when I wasn't looking for discussion.  In the end, I'm not really fishing for sympathy, and I value myself more than the number of likes I can receive on something.  The views counter on my blog makes me feel good, but the distinction is that my self-esteem is not tied to them, such is the trap that many people seem to fall into.  

Each piece of myself I put out there is a risk, but I've found that the pieces I've been most afraid to publish have been the most worthwhile.  I've written about experiences with my own mental health, when to possibly give up on friendships, personal philosophies, political opinions, and church politics, none of which are light topics.  Truth be told I was most worried about the church politics pieces (and subsequently they are probably the most polished ones I have out here) because I had the capacity to offend the most people, talking about a delicate subject.  That it has been of such worth to others has affirmed to me that it was a situation that needed to be addressed and shared, regardless now of whether I see any personal fallout from that situation.  I've written other things that have resonated with people, and it took that initial courage to put it out there in the first place.  

Sometimes, fear is a very real thing that we need to pay attention to, fear being something that can keep us safe.  Sometimes, though, that fear can be an indicator that you're on the right path, like seeing more bad guys in a video game means you're going in the right direction.  

How can we tell these fears apart?  What kinds of fears are legitimately about your safety and what fears are those points in your life where you need to have courage against one demon or another?  

At least in this space, I want to find out by stepping forward.  That means I still will pull Andy over to proofread what I'm posting (particularly if it includes him), but I've never tossed out a subject I felt needed to express.  

I've wanted to publish a book for a long time.  Clearly I can carve out writing time, so what's really stopping me?  Fear, most definitely.  I have ideas, specifically two viable ones, but there is something in that process where I let the fear win.  Through this blog, I've continued to hit that publish button anyway.  It's time to take that leap and start really working on something.