The first of this reclamation is the most important to our current standard of living: I went back to work. I came back on a four day workweek, then a four day weekend, and have now gone through my second four day workweek and into a three day weekend. It's been a smooth transition so far. Sitting upright and at attention for that long in a day was certainly rough for the first couple, but I have been able to invest more of my attention into actual work as the week continued. When Melvin ultimately makes his presence known with a splorpy burble under my shirt, I have so far been able to immediately head to the bathroom to check that there is no leakage and immediately empty out the bag, so that I didn't have the warm bulge under my clothing. In my happy little cubical, no one else really notices that bulge; I expect this hyperawareness to settle eventually, but I do also constantly think about the first time I might not be able to check Melvin right when I want to. I am similarly anxious but simultaneously confident in myself about that first training with a client--either via webex or in person. That will be another first to simply get through and be done with.
I also had my first blowout the other day. That is exactly what it sounds like. But it happened in the most safe, lowkey way that it could. I woke up one morning with the bag full of air. I tried turning to the side, so that I could be the little spoon and evidently put too much pressure on the bag. I knew what had happened immediately. I quickly ordered Andy to grab a rag, and I tell you he can move when he knows he needs to. I held the rag over the leak and eased out of bed. Nothing on the sheets or blanket, only a small bit on my pajamas. All told, there was only about a teaspoon of poo involved, and I had help. And I had nothing else to do that morning. AND I was planning on doing a bag change anyway. It was absolutely the best case scenario for a leak. Andy and I know full-well that these are inevitable, but it feels good to have the very first one out of the way.
While I have not yet been back to the gym, I have been able to start slowly working exercise back into the mix again. I'm rather skittish about this still, since especially any jumping kind of motion does not feel good on the bag or unused muscles or incisions that I'm still adjusting to, but, well, I like Zumba, even if it's the Wii version. Plus, I have the safety and comfort of my home as I start pushing these limits, much as I miss being part of the group. I need to feel confident in even these small steps before I will be ready to go back to it, all the same.
And there was one more trial yet to conquer: a stay away from home. It was just an overnight, but it is simultaneously the furthest distance I have been from home as well as the longest duration to this point so far. That may not seem like a big deal, but so far I have always been in a close radius to my emergency supplies and resources. I did not expect anything to happen, necessarily, but my options for if something did were uncertain. I have an emergency kit that has mostly stayed in the car so far, and I also had another full bag change in my suitcase, in the case of a double-blowout. This was a visit to my parents in the St. Louis area, though, meaning that if there was a blowout, I would also have a lot of willing, understanding, helping hands with my parents and Andy--this would absolutely be the best case scenario if something were to happen. The uncertainty, though, is what makes this tricky to me. In this instance, I did continue to feel better the longer we were there, but I believe I will continue to go through this cycle of planning/overthinking for each outing. Even simple things like how will I negotiate the counter space with my accessories has me inventing strategies and pre-planning, particularly for the first public bathroom bag change. This, again, is another instance of getting the first one under my belt and then feeling all the better for it.
More milestones will come as they will, and I am grateful for how many anxiety lessens with each one. I hope to be less hypervigilent about Melvin soon while also allowing myself the grace to be anxious. There are a lot of small pieces to adjust, reconcile, and other actions that I don't have the right word for yet. All in good time.
Quick aside, because I have been asked about it by a couple of parties: yes, I tend to wear my ostomy bag more to the side than I do down. The benefit of wearing it down is that gravity is your friend when trying to empty the bag. However, this does mean that the bag can be in the way of one's wasteband or a seatbelt or whathaveyou. I have been using a product called a Stealt Belt (check out their site here!) to keep the bag close to my body for personal security and discretion. They do have a style that wears down, but I'm quite enjoying the style. Currently, I have the Stealth Belt Pro and a custom order that has a fun pattern. Check it out!
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