Joining Traditions

An interesting moment when joining any family is that first major realization that they have had traditions and a history long before you got there.  For example, Andy's family decorates Christmas cookies, risk bodily harm over chocolate torte, and have a particular prayer before every car trip.  There are catch phrases and references to old stories that happened years before that I then get learn about, brought into the fold with that shared knowledge, since it is impossible to fully relive the experience.  My side of the family has taught Andy Pinochle, brought him to Hopedale for the Fourth of July, and has him randomly reading names from the credits after the movie has finished as though he knew the individual in question.  From the foundation of our families, we have the opportunity to build our own traditions, house rules for different games, and inside jokes.

However, there are points where not knowing the reference, story, or correct reply to a particular call-and-response can feel more isolating than anyone intends.  There have been points where I have felt more like an observer than a participant.  For shy folk, I expect this lasts longer than it tends to for me.  I have the ability to choose to politely insert myself.  When I don't understand the tradition, I ask about it; when I'm not invited in, I introduce myself.  Or sometimes, I find joy in observing others enjoying their traditions and am content to be an outsider.

As an example, I'll put out Epworth Forest Choir School.  This is an important tradition for Holly, Andy, and Mamma P in particular, that there are strong friendships and memories tied with this particular week of events.  I've been once before, and I remember specifically approaching the week wanting this to be something important for me, too.  It was a particular fluke that it was an anniversary year for the group, meaning that there was a LOT of reminiscing about all kinds of events I had not been a part of nor had any context for.  I confess that by the end of the week, I was very tired from hearing how things were at the old site or "St. Varner," as I stared to refer to the founder in my head.  Folk that were eager to talk to one another and catch up on all events that had happened since they saw each other last or from years of choir school experiences weren't always great at inviting people to their table, however, I introduced myself to different tables and joined the discussion anyway, asking questions to invite the stories to continue.  I remember a handful of names and a few special conversations.  I have been able to meet with folk outside of that context for different reasons and keep those people in a special place in my heart.

But this year, I'm coming back.  I'm returning, which is a wholly different feel.  I have a general idea of how the flow of the week works.  I have some foundations to work off of and faces that I know (relearning names rather than starting from scratch).  There are people that know me and that I'm looking forward to catching up with.  I know that I can belong there.  And I am not so far removed from that outsider feeling that I know I will be conscientious of making sure that others are welcomed and included where I can.

How do you insert yourself in them and make them your own?  Here's the shortlist of my recommendations:

• Participate--join the game, ask someone to teach you the song, clap along, be present in the moment even if you're watching.  If you leave or stay out of it, then you're not part of the new memories either.
• Ask questions--what's the significance of the story or the history behind that tradition?  Sometimes people will remember that you don't have that context and offer an explanation, but sometimes they won't.  Rather than wait, asking about it indicates that you are interested in learning about the group.
• Don't pass judgement in the moment--it may seem like a weird tradition or kind of off-putting, even.  Provided it's not harmful to you or others, a bit of weirdness might be okay to try.
• Don't make it about you--this is about experiencing, not making yourself the center of attention.  The goal is to be a part of it rather than to take it over.  

And if you are on the other side, trying to be welcoming to new persons here's a shortlist of recommendations for you:

• Invite--don't half-ass this.  Really bring that person in while also being respectful of their feelings.  Specifically, if they say "no" take that as your answer, with a maximum of one "are you sure?"  
• Inquire--find some common ground by asking bout their traditions, too.  Get to know them and what history they have by a communal sharing.  Perhaps you may want to include some of these variations or new ideas next year, to really make that person included.
• Be mindful--while celebrating yourself and those you love, still keep an eye out for others.  Who is on the outskirts?  Who looks uncomfortable?  Who is alone?  Watch the body language.  Offer a smile.  See that their needs are met (food, beverage, general comfort).  Maybe stand by them for at least a time to make them more comfortable.  

"Traditions" is left vague intentionally.  This could be newcomers to family events, friend groups, work, or wherever else.  We've all been on both sides of that, and it's important to be mindful of our part in those situations.