Thursday, August 9, 2018

Melvin & Me, Part 14: Melvin vs the Zombie Apocalypse

So, my brain doing the random things that it does came up with this particular question the other day while Pop and I were out in the middle of Geneva Lake, WI, on a sailboat:  can zombies swim and/or float?

I was thinking about whether a houseboat might be a very safe location (as far as zombies, not desperate humans) or a very terrible location.  With some good water filters and fishing skills, it could certainly be a place to wait out a lot of time, coming to shore only as needed for other occasional supplies.  No need to use a motor much if there are good sailing skills on hand.  But that does depend on the question of whether or not zombies would float.

If the zombies float, then, they would eventually make their way out to the boat, and it isn't necessarily more secure than anywhere else.  However, if they sink, well, then the plan sounds less kooky as we go.  How would their body composition change during that particular decomposing process?  Maybe zombies would float initially until they become too waterlogged and start to sink?  Would the zombies be smart enough to stop at the shore or plow forward into the water without hesitation--how intact are their instincts or does it vary based on their previous life?

Let the questionable internet search history begin!

While I was ruminating on that question, I had another:  what would the zombie apocalypse be like with Melvin?  My main zombie apocalypse plan is to gather a small group of people I trust and take over a Lowe's or Menards or Home Depot or something similar.  The sheer usefulness of the tools here would be invaluable, if not for direct use then for eventual trade with other survivors.  Also, all the materials are on hand to barricade that building down more or less immediately, with plenty of high ground within the building to build up.  The Garden center turns into its own garden, of course, but there would also be some grocery items available to help tide us over, until the trading and growing were enough to keep us sustained.

Now, here's the tricky part:  eventually, I'm going to run out of ostomy supplies.  Also, I'm not going to be able to get my maintenance medication that keeps my Crohn's in check any longer, since this is a supply delivered intravenously in a hospital setting.  Ignoring the latter problem for a the moment, I'm not sure whether I would be jury-rigging some kind of makeshift ostomy bag that covers it or instead creating a "catching" kind of device that could be worn just underneath it.  The benefit of the "catcher" would be that it could easily be rinsed as necessary and keep precious supplies free for other uses, but I have no illusions that our confined space would smell to high heaven.  However, a different kind of bag would also be very difficult in attempting to manage some kind of adhesive that wouldn't make my skin too angry.

Adding back in the medication issue, though, that's where things get interesting.  I know what it's like to waste away to Crohn's--I won't walk into that willingly.  Once things got a particular point, I would probably be volunteering for all of the risky missions for much needed supplies from other groups or places or otherwise outright ask to be put down in a way I wouldn't be coming back as a mindless undead.

The conclusion came to me thusly--the zombie apocalypse is most likely ableist as hell.  I mean, I have plenty of useful skills, but I also think I wouldn't be picked first for the dodgeball team, if you know what I'm saying.  What diversity of experiences and minds would we be missing out on?  At what point is survival no longer about living?

Cheerful thoughts, I know.  ;)  Any suggestions for surviving the zombie apocalypse with a chronic medical condition out there?

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