Low Attendance

We're going a little meta today and talking a bit about the blog itself.

I had a couple of weeks off where I was a bit late in my particular schedule--I didn't miss a day, but I was out of sync.  Between life being a flavor of hectic for not only myself but many other people I've talked to, I have found that my blog views have been down recently.

In case you wanted to know what the stats page looked like

I know it's a little gauche to bring that up--I'm not shaming anyone for not reading consistently or sharing enough or anything of the ilk--but I do watch these things.  Understandably, the blog post about the Relationship Escalator saw the largest response, and I'm so pleased to see that it's not just something that I feel as an invisible pressure while simultaneously feeling so sad that it is a pressure that so many of us feel as many of us try to find our own definition of what it means to be an adult in this day and age.  It was absolutely exciting to watch the views go up.  Normally, I publish the blog and then go to both Facebook to post it on my wall and as an email to those that don't have Facebook or prefer not to check it.  Then, I check back sometime late that afternoon to see where it's at.

I don't rely on these views for my self-esteem, but I won't deny that those numbers can feel good to see.  I will write either way, but it's nice to be assured that there's some kind of audience.  It's an interesting balance to walk, to see what resonates with people but also be authentic to what I need to discuss, to be excited by that engagement but not rely on it.

It was a good moment to reflect on what the blog means to me, in some ways.  There were a few points in watching the numbers recently where I felt maybe I should hang it up and quit the blog.  Essentially, it was on the downswing of the creative process, that point where you're sure that everything you make is crap before finding merit in it again.  Then, I had the opportunity to figure out why I strongly did not want to stop, and here's what I sifted out:

1. I still need something to hold me accountable, to keep me writing
2. This space still serves as a safe place to process through important things
3. I miss writing fiction
4. I've learned so much through keeping this discipline over the two years I've done this
5. I cope with my depression, anxiety, and illness through educating others
6. There are still things left to say

These aren't necessarily new--I'm certain that I've mentioned these individual reasons in places before--though it is nice to have them in one place.  If nothing else, I need to reaffirm these things to myself again to help pull myself out of that particular part of the cycle.  All in all, whether it's a result of these things or just a refractory response from the level of down I've been feeling lately, I haven't been this productive in writing as I have been in the past couple of weeks.  Normally, I have a blog post or two nearly ready by the time Tuesday rolls around, hammering it out for the most part on a Saturday with a little time to touch up on Monday.  I've had a lot hit me recently as things that I wanted to flesh out and discuss, meaning that I had about six that I was working on, four of which were mostly completed.

So, yes, views were down but I was feeling weirdly productive, whether it was a spite reaction or just recognizing that it's a low period in the ebb and flow that just happens.  And that's okay, too.  It's been a good moment to pause, assess, and then get back to work.