Post-Post Lasik

An update!  Whelp, we seem to slowly continue to improve.    I'm not always convinced that my right eye is getting better, but I know that I have some potentially mitigating factors.  Specifically, my body tends to heal more slowly than your average bear, but to exacerbate that, I'm also on the low end of my meds cycle, coming off of the previous one that I received a week late (just got them yesterday, actually).  All that this means is that I have a little more inflammation going on in my body, which means that the inflammation in my eyes might take a little more time to resolve.  Granted, that's not a professional medical opinion, but that's what I have cobbled together and it has a semblance of sense.  In short, I'm not panicking about things being slow until after we've got that round of meds in for a day or two AND I'll have my next follow up in another week anyway.

But it is a little difficult not to panic.  I feel a bit out of control in the healing process, both prior surgeries and this one.  I cannot control how fast my body is going to recuperate.  I don't know when I need to be worried and when I should just be patient.  I am proactive about my health and simultaneously I loathe the idea of going to the doctor or any expert without something "legitimate" to bring up--at work, it seems as soon as I call IT to help, suddenly the problem with my computer seems to have fixed itself.  I don't want to waste the emotional energy of scheduling an appointment only to be told that everything is fine while simultaneously I want the reassurance that everything is fine.  Which means that ultimately I have resigned to waiting, giving it an adequate amount of time but still finding ways to measure what I can, keeping up on the eyedrops and following the rules (mostly) until then.

It's hard to stay patient and compassionate toward my body as it tries to figure itself out.  That does not sit well with me at all., feeling out of control in this camp  Before, all I had to do was clean my glasses, put them on, and adjust them back into place and, voila, I could see.  I don't have that assurance now.  I am simultaneously encouraged and dismayed that squinting doesn't seem to help right now--if it did help, then perhaps the laser didn't etch in the right prescription; if it doesn't help, then it's more likely that it's an inflammation issue that can calm down rather than something more insidious.  But being out of control and at the whims of my body, constantly in a state of hyperawareness as I try to find any potential warning signs and then weigh whether or not it is something to pay attention to which takes a great deal of emotional energy, that puts me in some spaces that I don't want to be in.  It makes the wait a certain flavor of agonizing.

In the meanwhile, though, I have made a few observations.

1. In order to put in eyedrops, I find I must lean my head back.  That in and of itself is not a problem, until we factor in the photosensitivity and that a lot of lights tend to be fixed to the ceiling.  Putting in eyedrops, then, has become an odd mix between relief and pain, trying not to stare at the lights too long while getting the drops in.  I've been rather annoyed at this pattern of lighting structures for the past couple of weeks which had certainly never bothered me before.
2. Pray tell, why do people have to have their mouths open when putting in eyedrops or applying mascara?  There's got to be a weird physiological reason for this.  
3. With the shift in my appearance, now, with the glasses fully gone, I've been contemplating what kinds of other changes I might want to make.  I'm updating my gym regimen, contemplating new hairstyles, and even looking at what makeup I use.  It's an opportunity to take "New Year, new me," into a greater focus.  

The gym component has a slightly deeper edge than health and vanity--this is in particular a way to help reassert control in my life.  I feel like I have more control when I adhere to some kind of strict workout program in a few different ways.  This has led to some overworking before, but with that awareness I'm trying to listen to my body more carefully while still learning to be compassionate in my response to it.  That will make some of the difference, making forward motion hopefully as healthfully as possible.  

And that is what is going to make more of a difference in the waiting now, even as it frustrates me--I will be aiming to go through this watching with compassion for myself rather than angry suspicion.  Damn teachable moments, making me stretch and grow when I just want to be cranky.  Deep breaths.  Let time happen and all that.  And naturally I'll be updating folks here.