Permanent Changes--No Peterson Baby, Folks

I have made permanent choices for myself before, the kind of elements that leave a lasting effect on the rest of one's life.  There are events you pick for yourself--such as whether or where you seek higher education--and people that you respond to--such as the friends you keep and whom you love--that certainly shape your life and world, all framed by some of those choices, but there is something very different when it comes to making permanent changes to your body.

There are a few situations where my best choice involved surgery, most notably my choice to have a permanent ostomy as my best course of treatment for my disease.  The choice was purely in my court (with all of my doctors, thankfully), and I could have languished a bit longer, but this was the best decision for my quality of life.  I do not regret it.  Still, all of the rationale and logical backing do not prepare anyone for actually scheduling the date.  There's something that hits home there in a way that I still cannot prepare myself for, even after four or five surgeries.  To a lesser extent, there's still that harsh reality that settled in when I made my tattoo appointment and my Lasik surgery date.  Neither of these two examples were as drastic as my permanent ostomy, but the permanence and recognition that my sense of self was going to have to change with it, that is still a lot to process and digest.

In this vein, I have made another permanent choice in my life:  I have decided that I will never complete a pregnancy; I will never have a biological child.

Nope. Not changing my mind on that one.

And, yes, that even means that were I to become pregnant despite all of my precautions, I would probably get an abortion.  Here's why:  everyone I have talked to that has gone through pregnancy acknowledges that there were permanent, unexpected changes to their body afterward (pelvic floor, vaginal tears, etc.); I have talked to many women that have felt they could not talk about their real frustrations with motherhood and/or any frustrations they had while being pregnant because of social pressures and/or dismissal of those concerns; I have three qualified specialists familiar with me and my case say, on no uncertain terms, that I would have a high risk pregnancy situation if I was able to carry at all; and most importantly, particularly coupled with that high risk situation, going through a pregnancy would absolutely emotionally destroy me.

I mean that last one in particular.  Emphatically.  It would break down all the things that make me who I am, and I would be in agony for (best case scenario) nine months, let alone the recovery time and the significant period of sleep deprivation afterward.  It would have physically killed me at other points in my disease and my life.  Every time I have something as mild as a stomachache, there is a series of mental gymnastics that I go through, where I'm worried that this is something that I need to address immediately because it is the first symptom of another Crohn's flare up.  Every.  Time.  Now, couple that will all of the weirdness that happens to a body that is pregnant.  No thanks.  I cannot willingly subject myself to something that uncertain.  I think this could easily foster resentment to hypothetical child, too, which is three kinds of unfair to hypothetical child.  Even if all of my Crohn's symptoms went away and did not play "catch-up" after and I had that child here in my arms, nope, I cannot say that it outweighs all of the things that could go terribly, terribly wrong.

**I want to emphasize that these are my reasons, but no one needs to have ANY or all of these in order for their decision to not have children be valid.  Full stop.**  No one needs to ride the monogamy escalator for the sake of riding it.  

I have analyzed my wants.  I have analyzed my needs.  I have analyzed my goals, emotional and otherwise.  A biological child is not in the cards for me.  There's some emotional processing to do with that yet, but this is the right decision for me.  Even harvesting eggs is a process, involving many appointments, shots, and drama.  This is not to say that I haven't had doubts, but I know that I have made my decision in this.  Adoption is not off the table, but I will never carry a child.

What does Andy think of this?  Let's ask:

Andy, what do you think of this?
I think that, I mean, it's your body and your decision and I'm glad to be a part of it.  I do not want to put you at risk.  The choice between a hypothetical child and you living, I'm going to choose you every time.  

So, what does that mean for you?
Well, it means that my dreams need to change.  I dreamed of having biological children, passing on traits of my family and yours, seeing my or your eyes reflect back at me through a child's eyes.  If that's not a possibility, then I feel a large responsibility to see that you're kept safe, that [a pregnancy and/or abortion] is not something that we have to deal with.

What do mean by "large responsibility?"
If I am going to stand by my words and say that I won't put your life in danger, then it is up to me to take steps to ensure that [a pregnancy] doesn't happen.  You have decided that you will not complete a pregnancy; I support and respect that decision.  It's OUR responsibility TOGETHER to ensure your safety.  As such, given the various options available in birth control and their associated risks, the most logical step for me was to get a vasectomy.  It's a simple procedure; it's safe; it's effective; and it's FAR less likely to have complications than any permanent solutions for women.  

I love you, in case you weren't sure.  How was the vasectomy?
I can't say it was the most pleasant fifteen minutes of my life.

Only fifteen minutes?
Yep.  For all of the "oh God I can't believe you're doing that?!" from society/friends, it really was not a big ordeal at all.

Are there any details you feel comfortable sharing with us?
Yes, I am more than happy to discuss anything and everything.  What do you want to know?

How long before you could start walking normally and not like a cowboy?
[laughs and puts on best John Wayne voice] Well, pilgrim, I would say from start to finish, um, maybe a week and half?  The worst of it was certainly over in a week.

What was the worst of it?
The worst of it was feeling like you'd just gotten a "dinger" for a week.  So, any time I had to move/walk it was a careful process.  

After that week, any other noticeable symptoms or issues?
The tenderness goes down more and more each day, but otherwise, no.  To be perfectly blunt, everything functions as expected, normal.  

Any suggestions for anyone considering a vasectomy?
I would say, first off, don't get scared by what other people try to put in your head about it.  It is simple.  It is truly not a big deal.  With a skilled urologist, you're out in fifteen minutes.  It's a simple process.  In regards to recovery, follow doctor's orders, don't take things too fast, and get yourself some bags of frozen peas.  Those will be your best friend.  I'm happy to be a resource for those with questions, too, if anyone needs the gory details.  Depending on how active your job is, you may want to think about taking a few days off, just until the initial tenderness goes down.  Oh, and one more piece of advice is to get some supportive underwear--any sort of wiggle is uncomfortable for the first few days.  If you can "contain" yourself, your recovery would be much more manageable.

Anything else you would like to say about the process?
Make sure you and your partner have discussed the permanency of this.  While vasectomies can be successfully reversed, it's not a guarantee.  Act as though it is a permanent change.  

Speaking of communication between partners, is there anything else you'd like to mention?
["Oh yeah" sound in the back of the throat] While it isn't something that you're guaranteed to run into, many offices might require your spouse to be present or sign a waiver to consent to the procedure, knowing that it will make you sterile.  It was an interesting point of empathy for me, to go in that moment "oh, holy crap, this is what it's like to not have full autonomy over my own sexual well-being."  

Anything else at all you'd like to say to the people?
While I've greatly appreciated the support of my confidants and friends, I've more than once heard the phrase "hero" as part of this decision, and I don't feel that it's well-deserved.  Taking care of each other, keeping each other safe and healthy, that's an inherent responsibility in a committed relationship.  All I did was take the best possible step to make sure that happens.  I guess what I'm trying to say with that is men taking responsibility for their part [in pregnancy] should not be such a rarity.  

Thank you for being a wonderful human being and partner.
[uncertain] Thanks.  [brightening] Happy to be in this together with you!