Holiday Doldrums

I was speaking with my therapist in early December, and we were settling about scheduling.  I made the suggestion that we go ahead and schedule into January, acknowledging that he was probably going to fill up pretty quickly this time of year.  He agreed emphatically that it was a good idea.  My follow-up question then was firstly how he was taking time for himself this year, and then a question I didn't expect to have a solid answer for:  "knowing that people seem to need you more in this season, how do you balance that tension between what you need and being there for us?"  The short of the answer was "as best I can."  I mean, I empathize with that tension, but I don't have as many persons dependent on it--I'm a freelance emphathizer, maybe?  I know I cannot fully understand the outside pieces of how that balance works, but I was definitely thinking more about my own.

We're winding down a season at the moment.  There's a feeling of transition, frustration, and no small amount of hurting that seems to be present in my circle right now.

Some folks are starting to pull out of it now, but there is no small amount of lingering exhalation that needs to happen.  Somewhere in the second or third family gathering for Christmas, I recognized that I did not have as much emotional energy to spend as I had thought.  There were some missing recharge moments.  There were a few last minute adjustments that were not factored in.  There were extra errands when shipments delayed one package or another.  Different places had different hours that broke the routine.  Many, many small pieces came together to be collective frustrations.  And at the same time, it's good to reconnect with family and see folks again, and how can one complain about that?  There's an odd mix of gratitude, joy, and frustration that roll through in waves.  Guilt is often closely on the tail of frustration, just for color.

I needed to stop and do some self-inventory, but it didn't feel like there was time.  Or more honestly, I was afraid of the answer.  I didn't even have my body to blame this time.  I hit my wall and pushed forward anyway. There was a conscious choice in those moments.  

So I scheduled in another few miles in the pool.  And some very intentional writing time.  And some forced pauses, for air and for somatic assessments.  I came to three conclusions:

1. I have not been factoring my emotional load from work to its fullest potential--there's still a fair bit of adjustment to resolve regarding my change to management.  I need to find a more efficient way to carry this, because I know that the baggage does not magically disappear. 
2. I did not buffer the events adequately--having a short bit of time in between events to process them fully, that makes a difference. 
3. I did not check in with myself while the events were happening.  This one is the real kicker, I think.  I didn't talk to myself while things were happening.  There needs to be some actual conversation between the parts of myself, in order to meet the needs of the situation.  Some parts of me would have been appeased just to have been acknowledged, frankly.  I was present in the moment and yet inadvertently leaving parts of myself behind, meaning that other areas had to pick up the slack and collectively that means I wore out a bit faster, for not even assessing if I needed a rest.  This is a great opportunity to further expand my own awareness and to develop some new practices. 

So what does that mean for now?  I'm aggressively reclaiming my schedule, very pointedly stating my intentions for my schedule for the day, and ultimately absorbing into myself a little more than usual.  With some of my Christmas money, we went to Mega Replay and I swapped in my Fitbit for an upgraded model, which has a few more tricks and syncs much faster to my phone.  What this refractory period looks like for me is a lot of trips to the gym and/or testing out a couple of different workouts at home.  Once I have reconnected those pieces, I can expand back out once again.  It's almost like an apology to myself, that I recognize I was overwrought on some places, so I'm trying to spend a lot of quality time in my own head, able to assert this time under the guise and added benefit of bettering my health.  The trick is to ensure that it's not crossing the line to self-flagellation--in these cycles before, I have DEFINITELY crossed the line into overdoing it.  

I don't think I've crossed the line yet, where working out does more harm than good, but I'm pleased to be able to push myself in ways that I haven't been able to do safely in years, if that makes sense.  There were (and still are) places where if I were to borrow tomorrow's energy, it would take me literal weeks to recover.  There are spaces now where my body tells me it's tired and I can say "one more hard lap."  Never more than one so far, but at least one more.  It starts with one.  My mile is getting faster. That does my heart good in a few ways.

Once I have regained the right balance, then what?  Can I better balance next year through any strategic planning?  Do I just accept that I will feel simultaneously filled and tired?  Can I start the refractory period earlier to better the balance?  Or is just oddly healthy to be thrown out of whack from time to time to appreciate what balance is?   

The holiday season hits everyone differently, for reasons specific to them even when the themes might be familiar.  Wishing you and yours the best kind of rebalancing you can find.