Dreams and Aspirations

So, as I have been transitioning from one part of my life to a new one--namely leaving my position at Skyward to pursue nursing--I've had some folks say in their congratulations something to the effect of how proud they are of me for following my dreams.  

There's something about the phrase "following my dreams," that makes me weirdly uncomfortable.  In the moment, I'll appreciate the sentiment from the well-wisher, certainly, but it's still something that's weighed on my mind, why I have an aversion to the phrase and why I find it so unsettling.  

Here's what I've come up with so far:

• The phrase has been cheapened:  I have seen "follow your dreams" on enough bumper stickers and murals and inspirational pandering to be a bit sick of it.  I have heard folks refer to working toward their dream job and enough other similar places that it has lost meaning to me.
• Personal bias:  I had a dream car.  It was a yellow VW Bug.  Drove it for the last year of high school and all through my years at Knox and into ISU--unfortunately, I hit a patch of black ice one winter and tried to make friends with a semi truck, but it was a good little car to the end.  However, I distinctly remember my father saying something to the effect of "now you have nothing to look forward to!" when we bought it.  A joke, yes, but something still to ruminate on.  I have no other "dream car" lined up nor a push to get any other specific car in the future.
• "Dream car/job/house/etc." is too concrete for me (personal bias II):  I recognize through my own experience that life can turn a lot of sharp, sudden corners.  I had thought I was going to be a high school teacher--my health needs broke that timeline.  I will always teach, just not in the context I had thought.  What does that mean?  A dream is a checkbox.  A concrete, resolute thing.  I don't much like concrete things--Andy has no small amount of consternation trying to get me to a simple yes/no statement at times, for the ways that I will try to leave space for odd contingencies.  For example:  "What's your favorite color?"  "Depends on what I'm looking at."  "Do you like tacos?"  "Most of the time, yes."  "Would you like to go out for dinner tonight?"  "That will probably work."  "Can you give me a straight yes or no?"  "It's possible."  There's a lot of grey in the world; I like to acknowledge it where I can.  More on this in a moment.
• Not everyone has a checkbox dream:  There are some people who have always known what they want to do and be in their life.  Great for them--I'm excited for them.  There are others that feel like they are inadequate for not feeling the same.  I don't want to encourage that feeling of inadequacy, when everyone may have a different path for how they approach life, career, love, and all else.  

So, I prefer to say that I don't have dreams, that I have aspirations.  I know that the denotative level doesn't have a lot of difference, perhaps, but connotatively the way I see it a "Dream X" is a firm something whereas an aspiration is a direction, an ideal to aim for.  Dream X fits in a box.  Aspiration is allowed to grow and change with time and circumstances.  In Project Management terms, a dream is the client coming to you saying "I want X and it should perform like Y and look like Z," and an aspiration is "the problem we need to solve for is X; what ways can we solve it?" to find a new solution that works best for the most people in a new way that no one had created before.

I have an aspiration to help folks and in particular to show compassion to persons with ostomies and/or other traumatic life changes associated with medical trauma, including a level of advocacy.  The rough shape I have in mind for meeting this entails becoming a nurse.  But if tomorrow I'm hit by a bus and could no longer perform the role of nurse as a result, I would still find a way to meet the looseness of the aspiration.  The shape would change, but the ideals and the goal are perfectly intact.  I don't feel like a "dream" covers that space.  

I want my future to be liquid.  A liquid bends and curves and moves with the changes.  A solid crumbles with time or cannot fit quite so well around certain corners.  My trauma has taught me not to trust the path to be clear and free (while still trying to make safety nets for emergencies as possible), but at the same time, I usually am quite certain what at least the next step is.  This has been a pattern for me, not knowing the destination but having a relatively firm direction on the next step.  It allows for pit-stops as needed; it allows for a tangent as needed; it allows for drastic reshaping; it allows for a freer schedule to let serendipity happen or respond to problems as need arises.  

In other words, the work won't be over when I get my BSN.  The work won't be over if/when I get my WOC certification.  The work won't be over when I have a position as a nurse that allows me to utilize said certification.  Rather, I will hopefully be empowered to find that next step to better meet the needs of others, meeting a particular need in myself.  

Okay, I don't know the context of this at all, but
it made me smile.

BONUS SLOTH GIF