Compliments

I can have a hard time accepting compliments.  There is a pattern, though, where I find that I have an easier time accepting praise for what I've been mentally labeling "transient things."  Transient things--a fashion choice for the day or a clever move in a game--are small, chewable, a direct result of my recent choices; longer term pieces or elements that are more permanent to my character--adjectives like kind or witty or references to overarching ideas--I have had a hard time saying a simple "thank you" and instead reflexively resist them in some capacity.  I have worked on this with some some intentionality, but I am still at a place where if the praise is "too big" I'll deflect it.  I have gotten to a point, too, where I can recognize where that line of comfort is and choose to ignore it on occasion.  

I have not much assessed the why, why there are feelings of discomfort in accepting praise.  To some extent, it can be simple anxiety, a complex blah of "they're going to think I'm full of myself if I agree with them" and a whole swirl of overthinking that can come with it.  I don't want to get to a point where I become so full of myself that I take myself too seriously.  I am ridiculous in a number of ways, and I find that laughing at myself is a great source of enjoyment.  I find it gives me a good grounding as I grew and continue to grow in self-confidence, certain of who I am and what I'm about at the end of the day.  And yet, I still find that some of the things I like most about myself, when someone points them out, I have a hard time agreeing with the complimenter, downplaying the compliment or making a flippant joke.  As an example:  I was discussing some of my clinical experience with my therapist, particularly that I had the opportunity to pause and really talk to a couple of patients.  I talked to them about their emotional experience with where they were in the hospital.  More importantly, I took time to earnestly listen to them.  Both of them told me in their own words that I was well-suited to the nursing profession.  To my therapist, I expressed my wish that I hope I don't lose the humanity of my patients in the minutia of their care.  He then replied something to the effect that he recognized and honored my compassion.  Initially, I deflected it, that this was no big deal, basically.  Then I stopped myself, said "Actually, no, I don't have to fight you on that, and I agree with you.  Thank you."  

There is a part of me that is afraid of seeming egotistical.  I feel that most people wrestle with something similar but all of us to different degrees and in variance to how we may be feeling that day.  There may be some correlation in accepting a compliment with what degree of self-confidence is present in that moment.  On some level, one may need to feel good about themselves to accept that others appreciate things about them.  I like things about myself:  to what degree am I allowed to celebrate that?

Upon reflection, I have witnessed a swath of reactions to praise.  I have a few people in my acquaintance that cannot take compliments well, for different reasons.  Some are gracious and do not seem to be bothered, pleased to be acknowledged.  There have also been some persons in my life that deflected compliments as an underhanded way of asking for more attention, a means to procure additional praise.  There have been others where an individual's sense of self was not in a place to accept praise.  There have been some that were simply conditioned not to, even though they had a decent self-image.  I wish I could always tell these apart, but it doesn't necessarily matter--I want to continue to voice praise where I see it and not because of some outside pressure.  

What kind of outside pressure?  As an example, I've noticed a pattern people feel that if they receive a compliment, they have to give one in return.  I've been trying to stop this habit in myself unless I have something genuine to add.  I want my compliments to be sincere rather than generated out of necessity.  This is coupled with an objective to voice more of the positive things I think.  

In short, once again way too much overthinking into a small set of interactions, but it is so very fun to dissect those moments, to inspect our own wiring, training, and experiences.  How much is trained?  How much is cultural?  Which of these habits is worth changing?