Let's set a scene:
You're with a friend. The friend says something that you find offensive, where they made a flippant comment about you that cuts right into one of those particularly tender places. It could have been clumsy phrasing; it could have been a joke that wasn't funny, reminding you of something that you're not ready to laugh about; regardless, there is an immediate pang of hurt and a small sting of betrayal.
Maybe the friend notices; maybe they don't. In any case, you point out in your own vernacular "hey, not cool."
The friend shrugs it off or maybe doubles down (e.g. "what? It's true/that's what happened."
You insist--it might not have seemed like much, but you're feeling very hurt by the comment and now with a layer of budding frustration from their response.
Then, the friend says something along these lines: "Well, I didn't mean it that way." They continue on to other parts of the conversation.
How do you feel in that moment? Do you feel that your friend honored your feelings? Do you feel that they apologized? They didn't. However, I have seen many people as the friend in this situation act as though that it counts as an apology, eager to move on.
"Well, I didn't mean it that way," or "That's not what I meant," and variants thereof are attempts to clarify the intent of the speaker. The undercurrent of what that speaker is saying in that moment is "you shouldn't feel that way because this was my intent," or "you're overreacting because the only way to understand the situation is the way I intended it." It is a form of gaslighting, trying to control what someone feels about a situation--if the persons says it was hurtful, explaining why they shouldn't feel the way they are feeling certainly doesn't make that hurt go away. It might make the hypothetical friend feel better, but it A) doesn't acknowledge your feelings, B) doesn't acknowledge their responsibility for the impact of their statement, and C) ultimately damages your relationship.
Does the intent matter? To a point. Sometimes understanding where someone was coming from when they said or did something can clear up misunderstandings or otherwise grant the offending person some grace. Sometimes. As someone who has put their foot in their mouth more than once, I definitely have the impulse to explain. However, that still doesn't absolve me of the consequences of what I have said. I need to apologize first, then I can explain my thought process and intent ONLY when that person is ready to be receptive to it. The hurt has to be acknowledged first. The impact has to be acknowledged first. If the house is currently on fire, I care about the reasons why AFTER we've put out the fire--same logic applies, where the pain is triaged first and the reasons can be dealt with after. If I focus on my need to explain over acknowledging someone's expressed feelings, the hurt often doesn't get acknowledged enough or at all, which means that the relationship remains unrepaired.
Does the impact matter? Always. Careless words still hurt, even if the person did not mean it that way. Good intentions do not absolve someone of their responsibility for the results of their action or words. Full stop. Stepping on someone's foot and saying "Oh, I didn't mean to" doesn't take away the bruise--strictly speaking, an apology doesn't either but at least they acknowledge that person's part of the incident, acknowledge the pain the other person is feeling. I can think of countless examples of legislation, personal conversation, and all else where folks have praised their own good intentions and fully ignored the negative impact, refused to take culpability where the results did not line up.
Again, I know that it feels bad to be held accountable for your actions and it feels worse to have that pain as a result of a misunderstanding. I'm working on taking the "but" out of "I'm sorry, but..." We cannot--nor should we try to--determine what someone is allowed to feel about a situation, just as we are allowed to feel what we need to feel. That means biting back a knee-jerk response to interrupt, defend, or explain away when someone is expressing their feelings. Triaging someone's pain over your own frustration is tough. Confronting people that have dismissed your feelings is tough. Carrying the weight of unrepaired relationships is a heavier burden, in my eyes, which means having those hard conversations, accepting correction when warranted, and apologizing well.
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