Tiny Lies

There is a phrase that I see people weaponize that now that it has been brought to my attention I can no longer ignore.  I believe that I have finally pinpointed why it has quietly bothered me for some time.  

Let's set the context with a hypothetical scene.  

You're in a popular coffee shop.  And, boy, is the place busy.  There is a long line and many people already seated happily chatting away with other folks, another few people with headphones on working on their computers, etc.  All of the normal hissing and growling sounds from the espresso machine continue at a steady pace, one creation after the next and names politely yelled at the far counter to announce the result.  After placing your order, you wait at the other end of the counter.  

A person in front of you collects their chosen beverage.  They look at the cup for a moment, take a sip, and then call the barista back over.  "This isn't what I ordered."  

The barista apologizes and seeks clarification, stating the order back to the customer.  The customer talks over the barista and corrects one piece or another (erroneously or otherwise) and the barista states that they will remake the drink.  

The customer then turns to the other people waiting, including yourself, with a small but smug smile:  "I just don't understand why they can't get it right the first time."  

I feel immediately rankled in my own hypothetical.  Here are some recent examples from my own experience:  

• "I don't understand why it takes so long to get a Tylenol."
• "I don't understand why the doctor would order that--they know nothing about the right way to treat pain."
• "I just don't understand why my shoes won't fit." [though there were many explanations as to why additional padding/bandages were used this time]
• "I can't understand why no one could get my mother a water for over half an hour."  
• "I don't understand why my appointment is taking so long."
• "I don't understand why they wouldn't have a backup plan for [situation that I cannot be specific about]."

There are so, so many examples I can think of.  Why this bothers me is simple:  the statement is usually a lie.  It's not that they don't or can't understand.  Rather, it's a purportedly gentler way of stating that something is wrong, a way to stand on a sanctimonious hill of righteous indignation.  But it is a lie.  

In the case of some of them at work, I've just asked back directly, "would you like reasons or would you just like to feel heard?"  Sometimes the speaker mumbles off and clarifies what the need is, and I state that I can get it now, implying to me that they simply wanted to feel heard in their frustrations.  Cool.  I can do that if that's what they need.  I've only had one or two that would answer "feel heard, I guess," where I gave them specific space to voice their frustration, which, when acknowledged, allows us to move forward.  I have had only one or two people tell me that they wanted reasons--in one specific case, they were actually doubling-down on the lie, where they continued to escalate their frustrations (FYI, I set a boundary and left the room, stating that I wasn't there to absorb their frustration, particularly as these were things that were done prior to my meeting them and were out of my control).  

It's disingenuous to say "I don't understand X," when really it's "I'm frustrated about X."  In these situations, it's not about understanding, which would be a request for clarification.  Instead, it becomes a passive aggressive attack.  What's worse is this statement is often spoken to people who cannot control the offense.  In the case of our hypothetical coffee shop, there could have been a breakdown in communication between the order taker and the order filler or the customer and the order taker or even the general chaos in a busy setting.  Regardless, this was most likely not a malicious mistake.  In the clinic, the provider has been spending a long time in another patient's room or on the phone with a different provider in order to give that patient the full care they deserve, which sometimes simply takes time.  In the hospital setting, I'm not slow to answer a call light out of malevolence--I have a whole slew of triage and prioritization that happens in how I plan out my next action.  I keep using the water example because it keeps happening--getting someone a drink of water in the hospital setting is incredibly low on the list of emergencies that could be happening at that particular moment.  

The phrasing "I don't understand" also implies that this is unbelievable, whatever the frustration might be.  This can be hyperbole in the coffee shop setting or the minor inconvenience; in some cases like the  shoes/bandage example above, it can also be a backhanded way of saying that they are in disbelief about their situation, though these seem to be rarer usages of this phenomenon in my experience.  With so many instances of the former, it is difficult for me to accurately see the latter, where I might be able to reach out with what they need.  In the case of the former as well, it implies that not meeting some invisible expectation is unreasonable, whether or not this happens to be realistic.  This denies the context of the setting, whatever it happens to be, in favor of invisible absolutes that may or may not actually exist.  It is presumptuous, too, to assume that everyone adheres to this same set of absolutes.  

I don't have much patience for passive aggressiveness.  I have less patience for lies.  When I hear someone use "I don't understand..." in this manner, my immediate thought now is "stop lying to me," barring those few exceptions of symptomatic expression in grief/disbelief moments.  I rankle against the attempt to rally me to their side of self-righteous indignation through acceptable social convention.  This is a manipulation tactic, consciously or otherwise.  It obfuscates the intent behind the veneer of false modesty, trying to defer their emotions to another source rather than own them.  It's a tiny, socially acceptable lie, but it is still a lie.  

I would prefer the direct, truthful statement of frustration.  Honesty rather than a gentle lie.  Direct statements like "I'm frustrated about X" help me meet someone immediately rather than spend my energy attempting to explain something that doesn't actually need clarification.  

In short, I am championing for direct language, slowly modifying my own speech toward directness where I can, too.  This saves emotional energy and time.  Repackaging the ask within a gentle lie wastes both.  

Body Intuition

I started going to a Tai Chi class.  Forever and a year ago, I went to a couple of Tai Chi classes when I was in Scotland, but, yikes, that was over ten years ago now, and I cannot say that I remembered anything really.  Anyway, the group has been very welcoming and excited to teach me new things.  I'm excited to learn new things, so this works out admirably.  

It occurs to me that my movement would have been very different at other times of my life.  Where I'm at now, I've been to many Zumba and other dance aerobics classes, meaning that I can pick up on patterns reasonably well.  For complicated movements, I start with getting the feet right and add the arms or other elements later.  I'm also not afraid to throw in my own style, test out slight variations for an extra bit of sass.  

Somewhere along the way and partially tied with therapy, I started watching for movements that felt "right."  There were some movements that resonated differently, that were completing an action I didn't realize I needed.  As an example, I have been doing some individual songs from the YouTube channel TheFitnessMarshall and putting them in a playlist to work through at home.  Sometimes it was the song itself was a favorite, but the blocking arms above the head in the chorus of this one resonated with me.  I was returning to it, with the song in my head at work and all else.  I started to notice like moves that drew me back in, pausing to come back to that feeling as necessary.  

So for Tai Chi, well, there are many moments that make a flavor of sense, allowing a bit of disassociation in adapting to the natural flow of the movement, to pause and see how that registers in the body.  Listening for the flow of energy in the movement and how it disperses in the body.  Completing the movement while allowing the mind to wander in different ways.  In short, it's a new avenue of self-discovery.  

There are places where my body is smarter than I am.  There are conversations where I have noticed that I left clenching certain muscle groups, and I have to ask myself what about that conversation bothered me.  Driving up on 39, my body still has a freeze response, remembering trips past on the same path to the Mayo Clinic.  The body remembers.  The body realizes things before my brain does sometimes.  

And these signals have been there, more that I am learning better how to pause and listen.

As I was going through physical therapy for my ankle, I remember discussing with my physical therapist that I could go up and down stairs, but it required a lot of thinking.  We agreed that the best situation was to no longer have to have that awareness, where movements felt automatic and cohesive again.  And yet, that kind of awareness is something I want to build on.  Awareness to all stimuli at once is not safe, let alone possible, but checking in with my body before it forces me to, that's something that I want to develop.  

Peterson Family Update, Mike Alpha Yankee 61182

I am, in fact, not dead.

I have four separate half-baked blog posts that I had started writing but couldn't get myself to finish.  It's time for some recalculating and reorienting.  

But first, time to deploy the bulleted list of great destiny and catch up on a few things.

• I broke my ankle, on April Fool's Day, no less.  I was working on a bouldering problem, the kind of rock climbing without a harness and rope.  I did not put the crash pad underneath me for that fateful route because it was a V0, which is basically a glorified ladder.  Sure enough, I scuttled up to the final hold...and promptly fell when it twisted in my grip, landing fifteen feet ankle-first.  I made some gravel inside my ankle, chipping off pieces of bone from the tibia, fibula, and talus.  There were many swear words.  
  
• 
  Ended up in a short cast for two weeks, a boot for four, and an ankle brace for at least four, possibly more pending the next appointment.  Luna has been very confused but not displeased to have extra company and couch snuggles as I stayed with it elevated and iced for the bulk of that time.  She would also stare at me when she needed to go outside and, for some reason, could not grasp that I couldn't help her, leading to encouraging barks and attempts at treat distractions.  My ankle is definitely still sore, stiff, and intermittently swollen, but still gradually improving.
• So, yes, I have been on short term disability for the cast and boot time.  One cannot drive without significant modifications if the ankle is unable to bend and/or restricted from applying pressure/weight through that limb.  Additionally, if I was restricted from putting weight on my own limb, it would be nigh on impossible to help patients transfer or lift or balance etc.  Funnily enough, when one loses use of a leg, the common means of getting around it involves losing some use of arms as well.  I stayed mostly on the lower level of our bilevel home, cautiously hopping up with my crutches and a backpack only occasionally when Andy or Mike would be gone for a while with their mutual work schedules.  I very thankful how they both stepped up to help.  We were also supported with rides and folks checking in periodically--thank you, all.
  

• The dreadful pattern that led to my diagnosis with Crohn's all started with a broken leg, back when I was eleven.  I had a lot of time to ruminate on that.  The hypervigilance thing, it can really suck.  Lots to process there, and it was only safe to gently touch the idea from time to time.
• I am determined to heal properly--I know MANY healthcare providers that are bad patients when it comes to taking care of their own body, witnessing "toughing it out" touted as a virtue for their own pain and then turning around to tell the patient to rest and not push too hard.  We often give the advice we need most for ourselves.  This isn't to say that being patient is not frustrating.  I'm so annoyed noticing the difference between my calf muscles and wanting to take another walk and wondering about what I could get away with, before gently corralling myself back to my PT exercises and pieces that I can do.  I can do wound clinic functions right now, but I'm not sure when I can get back to working PRN for the medical floor as of yet.  
• The way my brain works, I like to have something to do to schedule other tasks around.  For example, I am more inclined to do my PT exercise set, fold the laundry, another exercise set, etc. when I have an appointment scheduled that day to plan those things around.  When I have all the time in the day to do whatever, absolutely nothing gets started or done.  So writing didn't happen in particular, since I had all of this time to do so.  I set my hope to the future, where ultimately having enough stamina to make it through a work day would then lead to more regular patterns.
• While I was laid up, however, my primary job was healing and managing the details thereof.  I was alerted, though, that the Bromenn Wound Clinic was hiring and had started asking questions, checking to see how a closer facility might fit better for our family.  The injury definitely highlighted how difficult the commute to Chambana could be--if I was cleared to work before I was cleared to drive, finding someone to drop me off in town would be far simpler than navigating the back-and-forth from Champaign.  Navigating the parking lot to the hospital, too, would have been six kinds of tiring after a full workday again after that much time being sedentary.  Long story short, I am in week four at Bromenn's clinic. More on this at a later time.  Shout-out to the Urbana Wound Clinic crew--will certainly miss ya'll.  
• Andy and I celebrated eleven years of marriage.  SO MUCH has changed in this last year in particular, Andy shifting from Rivian to Upper Limits.  I'm so proud of how he is continuing to grow into himself.  Even physically he's changed so much in the last year, finding both an exercise and a hobby he enjoys.  I'm proud of how we're continuing to grow together, further supporting different facets of exploration and continuing to find joy.  
• With the uncertainty of money, future, etc., Andy and I did postpone our Iceland trip to an undetermined future date.  However, the two of us were able to keep a tradition by meeting Josh and Morgan in the Wisconsin Dells, though they were all graciously accommodating for my busted ankle.  We did an escape room where we saved the Titanic from sinking--you're welcome--and went both to the Root Beer Museum as well as a torture museum, one of these significantly more wholesome than the other.  The other trip I had planned to be a part of was a group of friends to Nashville to celebrate a friend's birthday.  Unfortunately, I did bow out of that one; the fear of missing out battled heavily with the understanding that the trip would not be able to be the experience I had hoped for with my current physical limitations.  I know that we could have made it work, but after the Wisconsin Dells trip, I was acutely aware of how much space I took up and felt uneasy processing it.  
• Andy, Mike, and I all acknowledged another orbit around the sun, taking a more sedate birthday acknowledgement this year.  
• Mike is continuing to work toward a radiography program, chipping away at the prerequisites.  He took a long train ride to a friend's wedding recently as another new adventure.  He has another tattoo since I last wrote and another scheduled--the Majora's Mask on his chest looks badass.  
• Ah, Andy also got his first ink, Bowser with a Chain Chomp on his right shoulder.  I was not sure how that was going to work out, given that he does not do well with needles, but it was the right kind of uneventful.  He has a couple of thoughts for a new one, and we may yet get a dorky couples tattoo one day.
• Mike's car died, meaning that we have three drivers and two vehicles, requiring a bit of renegotiation in how we plan out household needs and various appointments.  It's going to take a bit of figuring.
• Andy has expanded his succulent garden and planted three trees so far this season.  The number of smaller plants has planted is...more than five and less than a fifty, that's all I know.  I think the sunflowers are what I'm most excited to see--they are already more than a couple feet tall.
• I started going to a Tai Chi class at my gym--the meditative movement resonates well with me, exploring spaces to simply be and spend time with a new group of people that are genuinely excited to teach me something new.  
• Andy had Kickstarted into a Monster Hunter Board game that arrived a couple weeks back.  It functions pretty well though better for those that have at least some knowledge of the video game, I would say.  There's a lot of love baked in, and Andy is excited to continue playing.  On the aspect of gaming, he streams on Twitch on Saturday and Sunday mornings.  Right now, I hear all kinds of fun shrieks as he completed Resident Evil IV.  I greatly enjoy spending channel points to make him drink more water.  

It has been a BUSY few months, in short. Lots of adjusting and readjusting, patterns broken and leaving us to decide what ones are temporarily changing instead of permanently changing.  Pausing to reassess.  Finding cleaner flow.  And occasionally holding on for dear life as I we do so.  

Bonus Luna Mlem