Tiny Lies

There is a phrase that I see people weaponize that now that it has been brought to my attention I can no longer ignore.  I believe that I have finally pinpointed why it has quietly bothered me for some time.  

Let's set the context with a hypothetical scene.  

You're in a popular coffee shop.  And, boy, is the place busy.  There is a long line and many people already seated happily chatting away with other folks, another few people with headphones on working on their computers, etc.  All of the normal hissing and growling sounds from the espresso machine continue at a steady pace, one creation after the next and names politely yelled at the far counter to announce the result.  After placing your order, you wait at the other end of the counter.  

A person in front of you collects their chosen beverage.  They look at the cup for a moment, take a sip, and then call the barista back over.  "This isn't what I ordered."  

The barista apologizes and seeks clarification, stating the order back to the customer.  The customer talks over the barista and corrects one piece or another (erroneously or otherwise) and the barista states that they will remake the drink.  

The customer then turns to the other people waiting, including yourself, with a small but smug smile:  "I just don't understand why they can't get it right the first time."  

I feel immediately rankled in my own hypothetical.  Here are some recent examples from my own experience:  

• "I don't understand why it takes so long to get a Tylenol."
• "I don't understand why the doctor would order that--they know nothing about the right way to treat pain."
• "I just don't understand why my shoes won't fit." [though there were many explanations as to why additional padding/bandages were used this time]
• "I can't understand why no one could get my mother a water for over half an hour."  
• "I don't understand why my appointment is taking so long."
• "I don't understand why they wouldn't have a backup plan for [situation that I cannot be specific about]."

There are so, so many examples I can think of.  Why this bothers me is simple:  the statement is usually a lie.  It's not that they don't or can't understand.  Rather, it's a purportedly gentler way of stating that something is wrong, a way to stand on a sanctimonious hill of righteous indignation.  But it is a lie.  

In the case of some of them at work, I've just asked back directly, "would you like reasons or would you just like to feel heard?"  Sometimes the speaker mumbles off and clarifies what the need is, and I state that I can get it now, implying to me that they simply wanted to feel heard in their frustrations.  Cool.  I can do that if that's what they need.  I've only had one or two that would answer "feel heard, I guess," where I gave them specific space to voice their frustration, which, when acknowledged, allows us to move forward.  I have had only one or two people tell me that they wanted reasons--in one specific case, they were actually doubling-down on the lie, where they continued to escalate their frustrations (FYI, I set a boundary and left the room, stating that I wasn't there to absorb their frustration, particularly as these were things that were done prior to my meeting them and were out of my control).  

It's disingenuous to say "I don't understand X," when really it's "I'm frustrated about X."  In these situations, it's not about understanding, which would be a request for clarification.  Instead, it becomes a passive aggressive attack.  What's worse is this statement is often spoken to people who cannot control the offense.  In the case of our hypothetical coffee shop, there could have been a breakdown in communication between the order taker and the order filler or the customer and the order taker or even the general chaos in a busy setting.  Regardless, this was most likely not a malicious mistake.  In the clinic, the provider has been spending a long time in another patient's room or on the phone with a different provider in order to give that patient the full care they deserve, which sometimes simply takes time.  In the hospital setting, I'm not slow to answer a call light out of malevolence--I have a whole slew of triage and prioritization that happens in how I plan out my next action.  I keep using the water example because it keeps happening--getting someone a drink of water in the hospital setting is incredibly low on the list of emergencies that could be happening at that particular moment.  

The phrasing "I don't understand" also implies that this is unbelievable, whatever the frustration might be.  This can be hyperbole in the coffee shop setting or the minor inconvenience; in some cases like the  shoes/bandage example above, it can also be a backhanded way of saying that they are in disbelief about their situation, though these seem to be rarer usages of this phenomenon in my experience.  With so many instances of the former, it is difficult for me to accurately see the latter, where I might be able to reach out with what they need.  In the case of the former as well, it implies that not meeting some invisible expectation is unreasonable, whether or not this happens to be realistic.  This denies the context of the setting, whatever it happens to be, in favor of invisible absolutes that may or may not actually exist.  It is presumptuous, too, to assume that everyone adheres to this same set of absolutes.  

I don't have much patience for passive aggressiveness.  I have less patience for lies.  When I hear someone use "I don't understand..." in this manner, my immediate thought now is "stop lying to me," barring those few exceptions of symptomatic expression in grief/disbelief moments.  I rankle against the attempt to rally me to their side of self-righteous indignation through acceptable social convention.  This is a manipulation tactic, consciously or otherwise.  It obfuscates the intent behind the veneer of false modesty, trying to defer their emotions to another source rather than own them.  It's a tiny, socially acceptable lie, but it is still a lie.  

I would prefer the direct, truthful statement of frustration.  Honesty rather than a gentle lie.  Direct statements like "I'm frustrated about X" help me meet someone immediately rather than spend my energy attempting to explain something that doesn't actually need clarification.  

In short, I am championing for direct language, slowly modifying my own speech toward directness where I can, too.  This saves emotional energy and time.  Repackaging the ask within a gentle lie wastes both.