Empathy Hack: "What Else would you Like me to Understand?"

Bouncing off of the last blog post, it occurs to me that some additional strategy might be helpful in generating a welcoming environment for people to open up in.  It is hard to find a place to insert yourself in a conversation, sometimes, when you have something really important or difficult to say, for some people more than others.  Even people who don't have any trouble talking about themselves in general can still have trouble talking about things that truly matter.  

We need space to tell things.  Sometimes, we need to know that we have permission to tell a story.  Sometimes, we're waiting for an invitation, particularly for those places that we really need to feel heard.  It's also hard to find the right way to tell people that you're ready to listen or that the place is safe, without sounding glib or possibly bringing up something that the other person isn't ready to talk about.  

So Andy and I have adopted a phrase that helps us create an open invitation to that space, shamelessly adapted from our therapy sessions:  "what else would you like me to understand?"  This usually comes in the middle of a conversation, once myself or Andy have talked about our day or something that had been on our mind.  Occasionally, it starts the conversation, particularly if we notice that the other is particularly agitated, usually dropping the "else" in that situation.  This is an open invitation to talk about something that we've needed to talk about.  It states an intent to listen and provide a safe forum to talk about difficult things, a space where it's safe to be vulnerable.  

It works pretty well.  Anything that has been resting beneath the surface, the kinds of things that I didn't want to bring up because it wasn't the right time, the parts I didn't want to talk about because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings, a roiling emotion that I haven't been able to figure out, these concerns are welcome and valid in that space.  Not having to carry those thoughts around any longer is immensely helpful in and of itself, but feeling that I'm heard tends to be what I really need.  I feel valued as a person in that space.  I feel that my concerns are valid in that space.  I know that that person cares for me in that space, because they cared enough to make it.  

I've had an earlier variant of this same kind of idea:  "What is the answer to the question you've been waiting for someone to ask you?"  However, the wording of this, while neat to chew on, tends to confuse people more than the direct simplicity of "what else would you like me to understand?"  The latter does not require the person to put in the form of a question and answer.  "What else would you like me to understand?" leaves it open for vague feelings, frustrations, grievances, weird thoughts, to further discuss something that needs more attention, or a great deal of other things.  

In those moments, where you're having a meaningful conversation or if you want to open the door to one, I encourage you to give it a try.  I cannot promise that the individual will take you up on that invitation--perhaps they're not ready to discuss--but I know that even if I cannot accept an invitation, I'm always glad to receive it.  There might be another time when I truly need it.

The final trick, of course, is actually listening, but that's a topic for another day.