Another Song Stuck in my Head

Hey, all.  I'm starting to recover from NOT being on the road, which is its own type of odd.  I had a couple of CDs I always took with me in whatever work car I was assigned that week, one of which included >>this song.<<  It's called "Must Land Running" by Stepdad.  

It's electronic, and has a good texture, layering sounds off of each other.  It has a whimsical flow, rolling from one part to the next, which makes it easy to get into, something that isn't too complex to enjoy casually.  However, it's when I listen to the lyrics that something particularly grabs on to me, one of those songs that touches me even when I cannot necessarily understand why until I've listened to it several times.  

Oddly enough, the chorus isn't what necessarily grabbed my attention first, but instead the second half of the first verse.

After all these hammers thrown/ 
after all these broken bones/ 
I can barely hobble home/ 
I can barely hobble home.

The song addresses a level of brokenness, as if to say I don't know how we've made it through this far.  Or "still kicking" as it were.  Then, the chorus shifts the tone.

Feel it all/
Feel it all, feel it all, feel it all around you/
Take it back/
Take it back, take it back, take it back with you.

Naturally, the first question that comes to mind is "Feel all of what?" or "Take what back?"  "It" is a rather vague thing to either feel or take.  As I began to explore further, the chorus seemed more of a battle cry in my mind, pulling back to how the song starts, with a chant and a yell.  Despite this feeling of brokenness, there is a certain determination.  

Here's where things got really interesting for me--I had to get into some double-think, as in the 1984 definition of double-think where you hold two contradictory ideas at the same time as true.  How I wanted to read the song definitely depended on my mood. 

For example, "After all these hammers thrown...I can barely hobble home."
On a good day:  I have had everything thrown at me and despite what has happened, it has not managed to defeat me.  I will not be defeated.
On a not-so-good day:  Everything has been hitting me and I am barely surviving.  I don't know how much longer I'm going to make it.  

"Feel it all"
GD:  Take in everything where you are at now.  Absorb what you are feeling in this exact moment in time and embrace it.
NSGD:  Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling now, even if it's not a good feeling.  Absorb what you are feeling in this exact moment in time and allow yourself to embrace it, even when it's not pretty.

"Take it back with you"
GD:  You have emerged triumphant--carry this accomplishment forward and share it with others.
NSGD:  What you have experienced will always be a part of you.  Carry it with you as a reminder.  Leave the rest, but take back what you need to keep.

Rushing waves, hear my call/
Rushing waves, stand so tall
GD:  I have power and can call upon all kinds of resources to my command.  
NSGD:  The storm is rolling through; hear my pleas for help and spare me.  

These two main interpretations coexist now each time I hear the song, flittering back and forth between empowerment and dogged perseverance.  There are a few parts of the song that line up more cohesively, though.

There is water when I'm thirsty/
There is sun when I am cold/
There is food when I am hungry/
There is life, there is life
GD:  I will have what I need to survive.  Life is truly a miraculous thing.
NSGD:  I will have what I need to survive.  The world will continue on, one way or another, even when it feels like my world has stopped.

This part reminds me of Matthew 6:28, "Consider the lilies of the field; they toil not, nor do they spin," moving on to sparrows from there, the key idea being not to worry so much about what's going to happen tomorrow.  Sometimes, that's easy for me, fortunate as I am to be sitting in our apartment on my own laptop and more concerned with when we're going to get groceries rather than if there will be enough to buy them.  But this still goes back into the idea that being constantly worried about things you cannot control is going to distract you from something worth putting your time and energy into.  

Now how about the music video:  we have a scene with two people being controlled electronically by others sitting in front of the machine (think Gamer).  We don't know if they were drafted, kidnapped, signed a contract or what.  The crowd watches half-halfheartedly as they are forced to spar.  The controllers are absorbed in the game, living vicariously through their avatars.  Then something goes wrong.  The two being controlled now seem to realize where and who they are again, detaching the cords from their helmet.  There is worry on their controllers' faces, but instead of seeking revenge, they begin to dance, synchronized together in fighting stances.  All of this time they had been fighting one another, but their first act free of the machine is to be in sync with the other.  This gets the crowd's attention and they are more invested now than they were through sparring acrobatics.  The combatants are feeling and thinking for themselves now.

The controllers, too, are also free and begin to destroy the machine that was keeping them apart--keeping the controlled apart from each other and the controllers apart from the rest.  The controllers are can now feel and think as themselves rather than through someone else.  I like to think that act of destroying the machine was symbolic, that they want all persons to be able to be who they are and not controlled by some outside force.  What they are taking back is some of themselves.  When we dehumanize others, we are dehumanized.  When we degrade others to make them less than human--racism, sexism, bullying, homophobia, and unfortunately so many more--we also lose some of our own humanity.  Or as Booker T. Washington put it "One man cannot hold another man down in a ditch without remaining down in the ditch with him."  I think these controllers felt so much more defeating the machine than they ever did using it.

Yes, you could read into the video that they were upset that their machine broke, but I prefer the empowering interpretation, that they realized controlling people to fight for money wasn't necessarily a good thing, that all persons should have control of their own destiny (or as much of it as they can).  I also like to think that the machine blew up because the controlled fervently refused to kill and it shorted out the machine, that there was a line he would not cross, despite what was otherwise forced upon him.  I have other visions I would wish upon the world, too.  

But for now, I'm going to think about everything and nothing and enjoy some Stepdad.  The whimsical tone yet thought-provoking lyrics are kind of their thing.

Searching, a short story

Hey, all.  I wrote this short story a while back and thought I'd share.  Enjoy!
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Customer Review

Snaptime™ Industries

The Ultimate Search Engine (Patent Pending)

Serial Number 348

Dear Sir or Madam: 

I am returning Snaptime™’s three week trial of The Ultimate Search Engine nine days early because I simply do not need it any longer.  In accordance with the free trial contract, I will categorize and expand on my experience and use of the product as much as possible. 

I was surprised but pleased to receive the product, having forgotten signing up with Snaptime™’s preferred customer subscription; my boyfriend took the Ultimate and Everything® laptop with him when he left.  The instructions were easy to follow, though some of the keys on the expanded keyboard did not unfold properly.  The Digital Invisible® pop-up series of screens worked fantastically well, if they could be a little brighter.  I spent long enough on the initial set-up and allowing it sufficient time to connect and interface that I did not use it the first day. 

Initially I had not intended to use it, despite the effort I had already put into setting the system up.  I let it sit for two days, but found a spare moment one morning.  “Find:  my keys” was one of the options on the box of the Ultimate Search Engine, and I reasoned I still had time enough for a laugh.  The projection booted up immediately, and I typed “my keys” on the expanded keyboard.  Placing the earpiece as instructed, I received both directions on the screen and a noise indication (depending on nearness to the object in question, as specified in the instructions) on the current location of my keys.  They were indeed covered by the circular pillow on the green couch.  I was astonished.  As promised, The Ultimate Search Engine was the only tool I needed to find anything. 

After arriving home from work, there was time for further exploration.  To recapitulate my major findings, I used The Ultimate Search Engine to locate the following:  missing puzzle piece, the sock lost in the laundry, the remote control, the cup I had been using, Jake’s phone number, my checkbook, the receipt pile I lost last month, the sweater I lost when I moved in, and, just for hilarity’s sake to read “in the kitchen, next to the stove,” the kitchen sink. 

Eventually, my stomach put in a plea for supper.  On a whim, I typed in “what I want for dinner.”  I do not know if this was indeed intended as a use for your product, but I was directed to the carton of leftover Chinese food that had been sitting in my fridge since yesterday and on my mind since mid-morning. 

I put away The Ultimate Search Engine for two days, my eggplant lo mien no longer so appealing.  In the midst of this respite, I confess, that other than adhering to an overwhelming disconcertment, I spent hours trying to rationalize away or determine where it could have possibly guessed such information based on my actions that day (scanning emails and outgoing calls, something) all in turn. 

I typed the same question again, finally resolved that the entire matter was ridiculous.  My answer involved a set of driving instructions to Jeffersons’, a local restaurant and included my favorite order of the real grilled cheese.  I dismissed the idea, recalling that payday did not fall for another week.  I stared at the answer it gave for a moment or two, trying to process where precisely it might have inferred its decision, when I saw an option of the bottom of the screen reading “Did you mean ‘what I will eat for dinner?’”  Fearing loss of appetite, I did not follow the link.

Perhaps it would have saved me some thinking time, however, debating whether I would have agreed or chosen differently to avoid a self-fulfilling prophesy.  Thankfully, I had the following day off and could wallow in my musing freely, making up the lost hours of sleep the next morning. 

I really wasn’t sure what to put in next.  This predicament was quickly solved as my ex-boyfriend called.  I was quite distraught for some time after hanging up.  Eventually, I typed in “the love of my life.”

There was a picture along with the address.  The results read as a brief biopic with the option of more, though future users would benefit from further description other than educational history and zodiac signs.  The thought process around the decision is not relevant to your product’s working, but eventually, I went up to the prompt bar and added in “current location of” to “love of my life.”  The results included a set of driving directions to a coffee shop, the earpiece already toning sonar.  I went. 

Some time later, before I could convince myself otherwise, the earpiece indicated I was close though it was difficult for it to pinpoint in a crowd, something to fix in later models.  I did say hello and could understand where I would be attracted to him, except for the cashier who draped herself all over him while he stared at her cleavage.  I pulled the sensor out and returned home immediately. 

I used the product to locate him again the next day, skiving off work.  I spoke to him, but he was distracted.  I resorted to typing into the prompt “the words to say,” and found that the context around them was not where I was likely to bump into him any time soon. 

A day or so later, the next option I put in the prompt was “hope.”  The results offered me a page of responses, the top of which beginning with “He just has some growing to do,” some reminders that my friends and family cared, and ending with “potential opening with dream job.” 

Erasing those four letters, I typed in “my purpose.”  Again, I doubt this was an intended function for the Ultimate Search Engine, and my result of “to find things” was vague and perhaps plug for your product. 

Finding God was easier than I thought it would be. 

I typed in “what I don’t have,” and was told my response was not specific enough.  It suggested another wording.  The response to “what I’m looking for” was intriguing; I had plenty of options. 

I digress.  I have found all that I can using your product, typing in everything that I could think of.  It no longer seems to matter.  I know where to find everything.  I know the place and time of my death and will be there close to schedule.  Until then, I appreciated the opportunity to preview your product. 

Cordially,

Angela E.

The Secret to Getting to Know People

So it has happened once or twice now that I've started to talk to someone about what's happened recently and have them confirm halfway into the story that they've already read about it on my blog.  I'm flattered, of course, but there is that moment of awkwardness as I re-calibrate and find something new to add to the conversation.  The stories of things that I include here will be fresh on my mind for the next while, since I have taken the time to word them carefully into the way I like best, meaning that when I go to tell it verbally to someone, I often use the same phrasing.  

This is something that we all do to some extent, practicing and remembering specific phrasings.  Perhaps rehearsing the answers to an upcoming test or what you're going to say when you reach the family in the visitation line.  Maybe forming the correct wording for questions in a job interview.  Or if you're going to a large family gathering where you know well-meaning relatives are going to ask you the same question, perhaps a quippy way to sum up everything new in a couple of sentences.  Some of these turns-of-phrase eventually become autopilot, the "what I generically say in this situation" default.  Chief among these is the answer to "How are you?" and variants thereof.  

I have a catch phrase:  when someone asks me how I am, I most often reply with "still kicking."  It has gotten to the point where some people start to say it with me when I answer their polite inquiry.  When I am calling a client at work, I find that the answer tends to disarm people, reminds them that the person on the other end of the line has character and is not an automaton.  In other situations, it becomes a fun conversation starter.  

I took it up out of necessity.  There was a point where things were a certain level of bad that if I gave an honest answer of how I was feeling it often made the situation awkward and I felt like I was lying if I said something as blasé as "good."  One rather unremarkable day, I landed on "still kicking."  The line might always be the same, but it can mean many different things.  When it's been a rather rough day, "still kicking" tends to mean "somehow, against all odds, I have made it through today so far; not sure about the next few minutes, but surviving for now."  On an okay day, it can mean "eh, can't complain."  When things are going well, the inflection leans more toward "I'm my own chorus line."  I could mean many and all of these without saying anything disingenuous.  

This approach also allows the other part of the conversation to decide how invested they want to be.  My body language, vocal inflection, and how much I sigh are indicative of what I might really mean when I say my catch phrase.  But this question that we say as part of a cultural ritual, sometimes we don't really want to know the answer.  I don't mean that as a judging statement--there are many reasons.  Maybe the cursory "How are you?" is with someone that you'll probably never talk to again, thus the information is irrelevant to the rest of your life.  It could be a simple lack of time.  Or perhaps you're aware that the answer is going to be rather emotionally involved and you cannot spare that effort at the moment.

We can get so accustomed in the ritual that we don't even listen to the responses of those we care about--we know we spit out a generic answer, so doesn't everyone?  Again, I don't think it always means apathy, but it's a routine rather than an honest question.  (That being said, I like the spirit of the ritual, recognizing that a greeting should start with concern for the other's well-being.)

So how can we tell if it's an honest question?  What if we really want to know how someone is doing?  How do we break out of the ritual?  

If you want to know how someone is in earnest, all you have to do is add one simple word:  really, as in, "How are you doing, really?"  I find this most effective after you have already completed the routine of fine/good.  So many times, I will watch someone's expression change with a new warmth to their smile or relief when they can actually say what they're thinking or a number of other reactions.  If they're reassuring me that things are actually good, usually there will be details that follow as to what is going on in their life.  In cases where things are okay or not so okay, they are free to tell you.  And if they don't want to go into details, they can still choose how much they might want to add.  This extra word opens an opportunity.  That opportunity can be all that you need to find what's actually going on in their lives.

There are so many things I know I leave unsaid until I am asked about them, where if no one asks the right question, I won't say it except for a small handful of people.  I have no empirical evidence, but I assume that there are at least a few others out there with a similar bent.  In those situations, sometimes I'll follow with "What's the answer to the question that you want me to ask?"  I don't have to be a mind-reader to get to know people, just a good, active listener.  

And that is the secret, really.  

Interlude #1

I had another moment that I wanted to add to the last post, but it did not fit the overall tone.  There will always be those little things that just don't make the cut--when you edit, sometimes you've got to kill your babies.  

As such, I want to still include these different moments, but take those ideas out to stand as its own rant or aside without losing what was there before.  So here is our first interlude:  Some Angry Thoughts Toward Indiana's DOT

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I was driving in Indiana this week, following my phone's GPS blindly.  On my route, I was on Indiana 26 and came upon a sign that said "Road Closed Ahead," pointing toward the right.  Well, 26 continued to the right and then took a quick left, so I had assumed that the sign was implying a road further down.  A couple miles down the road, it turned out I was wrong.  No detour was marked.  So I invented one.  My GPS was effectively going "What are you doing?"  I stared back at it, thinking sourly, "Trying to be a good citizen!"  

After some creative wiggling, I ended up back on 26, thinking I was in the clear.  Nope, another piece of the road was closed to through traffic in another couple miles.  This time, I tried a detour to the right instead of the left.  My GPS once again was politely wondering where the hell I was going now.  This time, I had to agree, as the car felt like it was sliding along on the gravel.  I waved to a couple of farmers as I went by, the gravel road continuing to snake around in all kinds of interesting directions.  Finally back on blacktop, I was grumbling to myself for the rest of my trip that day.  

On the way home, I took the same route and decided that I was going to go through even if it was just for local traffic.  The first barricade I went around, I felt smug about, but eventually came upon another barrier.  This one, though, actually had a detour marked so I felt obligated to take it.  After a rather circuitous detour, I rejoined 26 and was on my way again...only to run into another barrier.  Seeing no detour marked on this one, I just went around the barricade... and I soon found out that this road closed sign meant that it was really closed, backhoes and everything.  I had to turn around in a driveway and find a way around, again on a gravel road.  

That was frustrating, sure, but what made it truly bad was that there was an SUV that had followed me the whole way.  When I went to turn around in that driveway, I did not make eye contact with the driver in the other car--I could feel the "I TRUSTED YOU," radiating out.  And yet, that car still followed me on my next creative detour--I know because I kept checking.  I kept sending reassuring thoughts to my SUV companion that I would take them off of the gravel road and back to civilization, making mental apologies, too.  At the same time, I was thinking some very perturbed thoughts toward the Indiana DOT for not marking detours well.

**Sigh** At least I had the foresight to leave over a half hour early.  It IS construction season after all.

On Finding Balance

I am on the road again this week.  Work sends me to Chicagoland, Indianapolis, and a great number of towns that I have to look up on the map.  

I'm going from school district to school district to help administrators, lunch ladies, secretaries, technology personnel, and whomsoever else needs it.  That means that I see a great range of situations and needs.  Sometimes, they just need me to point them in the right direction, and once I had to teach someone how use the shift key to make capital letters.  I see people who are so excited to use what I'm about to teach them and how much easier it will make their jobs, and I might turn around to a group of people who are resistant to change.  I could be patiently rewording an explanation on how they run daily processes.  I could have a group that understands computers well enough to pick up everything the first time.

In short, when I go onsite, it is a complete crap-shoot.  It's an interesting cross between adult education and customer service.  And after most of a summer of these adventures, my boss and my boss’s boss have both checked in on me to make sure that I’m not burnt out. 

The answer that I’ve been giving them is “not yet.” 

However, I managed to schedule at least one social activity for every day that I was home last weekend, all before hitting the road once again.  That time was spent with good people and was time well spent, but it was that one more thing to do.  So not only did I need some time to decompress and have that “Me” time, but somewhere in there I also wanted to spend some time with my husband.  I am tired.

Finding that balance between work, social time, and rest is not something I have entirely figured out.  I have learned to tell Andy when I need to have some time alone.  I can turn down invitations.  I can take those small moments in between to breathe and let a great deal of things roll right off. 

And I have to.  What I stress out about more than anything is stressing out. Understandably, this gets very, very cyclical.  Stress happens, good stress and bad stress.  My body, like everyone else’s, is affected by stress.  My body is just a very particular kind of sensitive to some things, or maybe I’m just good at listening to it.  And I don’t bounce back well either.  This can be general aches and pains, trouble sitting/lying down, stomach pains, fecal leakage (leading to rash, sometimes), lack of energy, blood in the stool, and a number of other things.  And when I don’t listen to any of those, my body will give me a fever that means I need to sit my ass down for at least a day and do some serious sleeping.  And when I’ve been stressed enough, an abscess has been popping back up.  Yes, an abscess—when your colon leaks all over your abdominal cavity, they still happen every now and again. 

Alcohol stresses my body out.  Eating greasy food stresses my body out.  Eating acidic food can do it, too.  Trying to get into an exercise routine has been stressing my body out.  Not getting enough sleep definitely does it.  These and others can mean any of the aforementioned issues or all of them. 

So each time I’m invited to stay out longer than I know I should, I run through the potential consequences in my head—will it be too much?  Each time I’m out with friends and I’m offered a beer or a glass of wine, I run the mental calculation of whether I’m okay seeing blood in my stool again and the pain that comes with it.  Even when Andy and I want to spend some, **ahem**, time together, I have to run the system check to see if my body is up to it, considering that my symptomatically angry butt is close to other regions. 

And yet, sometimes it hurts me just as much to say no.  I want to be part of the group.  I want to be part of the activity and the story.  I have a fear of missing out.  This means that I say yes more often than I should. 

By no means am I trying to make anyone feel guilty or that my time with them is making me sick.  I don’t need all persons to second-guess every time that I say yes to attending an event (with the exception of Andy and my parents).  I do want understanding when I have to decline an invitation (not that I actively think anyone takes offense).  I would like you to trust me that if I say yes or no, I have weighed the options and consequences accordingly.

The rules keep on changing, as my body keeps on fluxing, but I’m doing the best I can to keep it going.  Work adds that extra curve-ball into everything to ensure that I don't get too bored.  I'm trying to let those stressful weeks roll off and let things go as soon as possible, even though I still feel all of those things.  Sometimes, that means I have to choose not to feel anxious, which, again, makes you anxious if you're not careful.  

This week, I need to balance all the crazy with as much sedentary time as possible.  Next week, we'll wait and see.