So it has happened once or twice now that I've started to talk to someone about what's happened recently and have them confirm halfway into the story that they've already read about it on my blog. I'm flattered, of course, but there is that moment of awkwardness as I re-calibrate and find something new to add to the conversation. The stories of things that I include here will be fresh on my mind for the next while, since I have taken the time to word them carefully into the way I like best, meaning that when I go to tell it verbally to someone, I often use the same phrasing.
This is something that we all do to some extent, practicing and remembering specific phrasings. Perhaps rehearsing the answers to an upcoming test or what you're going to say when you reach the family in the visitation line. Maybe forming the correct wording for questions in a job interview. Or if you're going to a large family gathering where you know well-meaning relatives are going to ask you the same question, perhaps a quippy way to sum up everything new in a couple of sentences. Some of these turns-of-phrase eventually become autopilot, the "what I generically say in this situation" default. Chief among these is the answer to "How are you?" and variants thereof.
I have a catch phrase: when someone asks me how I am, I most often reply with "still kicking." It has gotten to the point where some people start to say it with me when I answer their polite inquiry. When I am calling a client at work, I find that the answer tends to disarm people, reminds them that the person on the other end of the line has character and is not an automaton. In other situations, it becomes a fun conversation starter.
I took it up out of necessity. There was a point where things were a certain level of bad that if I gave an honest answer of how I was feeling it often made the situation awkward and I felt like I was lying if I said something as blasé as "good." One rather unremarkable day, I landed on "still kicking." The line might always be the same, but it can mean many different things. When it's been a rather rough day, "still kicking" tends to mean "somehow, against all odds, I have made it through today so far; not sure about the next few minutes, but surviving for now." On an okay day, it can mean "eh, can't complain." When things are going well, the inflection leans more toward "I'm my own chorus line." I could mean many and all of these without saying anything disingenuous.
This approach also allows the other part of the conversation to decide how invested they want to be. My body language, vocal inflection, and how much I sigh are indicative of what I might really mean when I say my catch phrase. But this question that we say as part of a cultural ritual, sometimes we don't really want to know the answer. I don't mean that as a judging statement--there are many reasons. Maybe the cursory "How are you?" is with someone that you'll probably never talk to again, thus the information is irrelevant to the rest of your life. It could be a simple lack of time. Or perhaps you're aware that the answer is going to be rather emotionally involved and you cannot spare that effort at the moment.
We can get so accustomed in the ritual that we don't even listen to the responses of those we care about--we know we spit out a generic answer, so doesn't everyone? Again, I don't think it always means apathy, but it's a routine rather than an honest question. (That being said, I like the spirit of the ritual, recognizing that a greeting should start with concern for the other's well-being.)
So how can we tell if it's an honest question? What if we really want to know how someone is doing? How do we break out of the ritual?
If you want to know how someone is in earnest, all you have to do is add one simple word: really, as in, "How are you doing, really?" I find this most effective after you have already completed the routine of fine/good. So many times, I will watch someone's expression change with a new warmth to their smile or relief when they can actually say what they're thinking or a number of other reactions. If they're reassuring me that things are actually good, usually there will be details that follow as to what is going on in their life. In cases where things are okay or not so okay, they are free to tell you. And if they don't want to go into details, they can still choose how much they might want to add. This extra word opens an opportunity. That opportunity can be all that you need to find what's actually going on in their lives.
There are so many things I know I leave unsaid until I am asked about them, where if no one asks the right question, I won't say it except for a small handful of people. I have no empirical evidence, but I assume that there are at least a few others out there with a similar bent. In those situations, sometimes I'll follow with "What's the answer to the question that you want me to ask?" I don't have to be a mind-reader to get to know people, just a good, active listener.
And that is the secret, really.
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