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Customer Review
Snaptime™ Industries
The Ultimate Search Engine (Patent Pending)
Serial Number 348
Dear Sir or Madam:
I am returning Snaptime™’s three
week trial of The Ultimate Search Engine nine days early because I simply do
not need it any longer. In accordance
with the free trial contract, I will categorize and expand on my experience and
use of the product as much as possible.
I was surprised but pleased to
receive the product, having forgotten signing up with Snaptime™’s preferred
customer subscription; my boyfriend took the Ultimate and Everything® laptop
with him when he left. The instructions were easy to
follow, though some of the keys on the expanded keyboard did not unfold
properly. The Digital Invisible® pop-up
series of screens worked fantastically well, if they could be a little
brighter. I spent long enough on the
initial set-up and allowing it sufficient time to connect and interface that I
did not use it the first day.
Initially I had not intended to use
it, despite the effort I had already put into setting the system up. I let it sit for two days, but found a spare
moment one morning. “Find: my keys” was one of the options on the box of
the Ultimate Search Engine, and I reasoned I still had time enough for a
laugh. The projection booted up
immediately, and I typed “my keys” on the expanded keyboard. Placing the earpiece as instructed, I
received both directions on the screen and a noise indication (depending on
nearness to the object in question, as specified in the instructions) on the
current location of my keys. They were
indeed covered by the circular pillow on the green couch. I was astonished. As promised, The Ultimate Search Engine was
the only tool I needed to find anything.
After arriving home from work,
there was time for further exploration.
To recapitulate my major findings, I used The Ultimate Search Engine to
locate the following: missing puzzle
piece, the sock lost in the laundry, the remote control, the cup I had been
using, Jake’s phone number, my checkbook, the receipt pile I lost last month,
the sweater I lost when I moved in, and, just for hilarity’s sake to read “in
the kitchen, next to the stove,” the kitchen sink.
Eventually, my stomach put in a
plea for supper. On a whim, I typed in
“what I want for dinner.” I do not know
if this was indeed intended as a use for your product, but I was directed to
the carton of leftover Chinese food that had been sitting in my fridge since
yesterday and on my mind since mid-morning.
I put away The Ultimate Search
Engine for two days, my eggplant lo mien no longer so appealing. In the midst of this respite, I confess, that
other than adhering to an overwhelming disconcertment, I spent hours trying to
rationalize away or determine where it could have possibly guessed such
information based on my actions that day (scanning emails and outgoing calls,
something) all in turn.
I typed the same question again,
finally resolved that the entire matter was ridiculous. My answer involved a set of driving
instructions to Jeffersons’, a local restaurant and included my favorite order
of the real grilled cheese. I dismissed the
idea, recalling that payday did not fall for another week. I stared at the answer it gave for a moment
or two, trying to process where precisely
it might have inferred its decision, when I saw an option of the bottom of the
screen reading “Did you mean ‘what I will eat for dinner?’” Fearing loss of appetite, I did not follow
the link.
Perhaps it would have saved me some
thinking time, however, debating whether I would have agreed or chosen
differently to avoid a self-fulfilling prophesy. Thankfully, I had the following day off and
could wallow in my musing freely, making up the lost hours of sleep the next
morning.
I really wasn’t sure what to put in
next. This predicament was quickly
solved as my ex-boyfriend called. I was
quite distraught for some time after hanging up. Eventually, I typed in “the love of my life.”
There was a picture along with the
address. The results read as a brief
biopic with the option of more, though future users would benefit from further
description other than educational history and zodiac signs. The thought process around the decision is
not relevant to your product’s working, but eventually, I went up to the prompt
bar and added in “current location of” to “love of my life.” The results included a set of driving
directions to a coffee shop, the earpiece already toning sonar. I went.
Some time later, before I could
convince myself otherwise, the earpiece indicated I was close though it was
difficult for it to pinpoint in a crowd, something to fix in later models. I did say hello and could understand where I
would be attracted to him, except for the cashier who draped herself all over
him while he stared at her cleavage. I
pulled the sensor out and returned home immediately.
I used the product to locate him
again the next day, skiving off work. I
spoke to him, but he was distracted. I
resorted to typing into the prompt “the words to say,” and found that the
context around them was not where I was likely to bump into him any time
soon.
A day or so later, the next option
I put in the prompt was “hope.” The
results offered me a page of responses, the top of which beginning with “He
just has some growing to do,” some reminders that my friends and family cared, and
ending with “potential opening with dream job.”
Erasing those four letters, I typed
in “my purpose.” Again, I doubt this was
an intended function for the Ultimate Search Engine, and my result of “to find
things” was vague and perhaps plug for your product.
Finding God was easier than I
thought it would be.
I typed in “what I don’t have,” and
was told my response was not specific enough.
It suggested another wording. The
response to “what I’m looking for” was intriguing; I had plenty of
options.
I digress. I have found all that I can using your
product, typing in everything that I could think of. It no longer seems to matter. I know where to find everything. I know the place and time of my death and
will be there close to schedule. Until
then, I appreciated the opportunity to preview your product.
Cordially,
Angela
E.
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