On Finding Balance

I am on the road again this week.  Work sends me to Chicagoland, Indianapolis, and a great number of towns that I have to look up on the map.  

I'm going from school district to school district to help administrators, lunch ladies, secretaries, technology personnel, and whomsoever else needs it.  That means that I see a great range of situations and needs.  Sometimes, they just need me to point them in the right direction, and once I had to teach someone how use the shift key to make capital letters.  I see people who are so excited to use what I'm about to teach them and how much easier it will make their jobs, and I might turn around to a group of people who are resistant to change.  I could be patiently rewording an explanation on how they run daily processes.  I could have a group that understands computers well enough to pick up everything the first time.

In short, when I go onsite, it is a complete crap-shoot.  It's an interesting cross between adult education and customer service.  And after most of a summer of these adventures, my boss and my boss’s boss have both checked in on me to make sure that I’m not burnt out. 

The answer that I’ve been giving them is “not yet.” 

However, I managed to schedule at least one social activity for every day that I was home last weekend, all before hitting the road once again.  That time was spent with good people and was time well spent, but it was that one more thing to do.  So not only did I need some time to decompress and have that “Me” time, but somewhere in there I also wanted to spend some time with my husband.  I am tired.

Finding that balance between work, social time, and rest is not something I have entirely figured out.  I have learned to tell Andy when I need to have some time alone.  I can turn down invitations.  I can take those small moments in between to breathe and let a great deal of things roll right off. 

And I have to.  What I stress out about more than anything is stressing out. Understandably, this gets very, very cyclical.  Stress happens, good stress and bad stress.  My body, like everyone else’s, is affected by stress.  My body is just a very particular kind of sensitive to some things, or maybe I’m just good at listening to it.  And I don’t bounce back well either.  This can be general aches and pains, trouble sitting/lying down, stomach pains, fecal leakage (leading to rash, sometimes), lack of energy, blood in the stool, and a number of other things.  And when I don’t listen to any of those, my body will give me a fever that means I need to sit my ass down for at least a day and do some serious sleeping.  And when I’ve been stressed enough, an abscess has been popping back up.  Yes, an abscess—when your colon leaks all over your abdominal cavity, they still happen every now and again. 

Alcohol stresses my body out.  Eating greasy food stresses my body out.  Eating acidic food can do it, too.  Trying to get into an exercise routine has been stressing my body out.  Not getting enough sleep definitely does it.  These and others can mean any of the aforementioned issues or all of them. 

So each time I’m invited to stay out longer than I know I should, I run through the potential consequences in my head—will it be too much?  Each time I’m out with friends and I’m offered a beer or a glass of wine, I run the mental calculation of whether I’m okay seeing blood in my stool again and the pain that comes with it.  Even when Andy and I want to spend some, **ahem**, time together, I have to run the system check to see if my body is up to it, considering that my symptomatically angry butt is close to other regions. 

And yet, sometimes it hurts me just as much to say no.  I want to be part of the group.  I want to be part of the activity and the story.  I have a fear of missing out.  This means that I say yes more often than I should. 

By no means am I trying to make anyone feel guilty or that my time with them is making me sick.  I don’t need all persons to second-guess every time that I say yes to attending an event (with the exception of Andy and my parents).  I do want understanding when I have to decline an invitation (not that I actively think anyone takes offense).  I would like you to trust me that if I say yes or no, I have weighed the options and consequences accordingly.

The rules keep on changing, as my body keeps on fluxing, but I’m doing the best I can to keep it going.  Work adds that extra curve-ball into everything to ensure that I don't get too bored.  I'm trying to let those stressful weeks roll off and let things go as soon as possible, even though I still feel all of those things.  Sometimes, that means I have to choose not to feel anxious, which, again, makes you anxious if you're not careful.  

This week, I need to balance all the crazy with as much sedentary time as possible.  Next week, we'll wait and see.