Wait for It

So, I think I've mentioned in other posts (like this one *cough*) that I'm not normally one for bandwagons.  Thankfully, though, I'd only heard a few things about Hamilton and was therefore able to embrace it and enjoy it.  

For those that have not had the opportunity to listen to it yet, it is a lot of fun and is well put together, a warts and all story.  The construction, too, is slick, with reoccurring motifs in the music and lyrics that are used in different ways at different points in the stories.  One of my favorite elements, though, is how Aaron Burr is a foil for Hamilton the whole way through.  Alexander Hamilton is always goes through life in a rush, always taking risks, pushing forward, and writing excessively, "like he's running out of time."  Aaron, however, takes a very different perspective in my favorite song of the whole musical:  check it out.  

Aaron Burr, in the musical at least, always weighs his options.  He doesn't choose a side so that he can choose when the time is right, waiting for the right opportunity.  Alexander Hamilton, by contrast, seems to keep winning despite going against Aaron's philosophy, which Aaron finds both perplexing and amazing.  Immediately before this song, Alexander recommends to Aaron to go after the woman he's in love with, even though she is married to a British officer.  He starts the song musing over this situation.  

"Love doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints...
And if there's a reason I'm by her side
When so many have tried,
I'm willing to wait for it
I'm willing to wait for it"

Aaron is recognizing that he doesn't fully understand why his lover chose him over anyone else that she could have had.  He's willing to wait and find out what that reason is, mostly I believe out of gratitude, not wanting to question his own good fortune.  Then, he starts reflecting on his parents.  

"Death doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints...
And if there's a reason I'm still alive
When everyone who loves me has died
I'm willing to wait for it
I'm willing to wait for it"

Aaron's not sure why his parents were taken from him or why he is still alive, but he's willing to wait to see what the reason is for this, too.  

However, Aaron seems to be tired of trying to justify this waiting, declaring that he's "not standing still, [he's] lying in wait."  His thoughts this shift to his rival, noticing that although Alexander Hamilton acts counter-intuitively to everything else he's believed, he somehow still seems to come out on top.  This, too, confuses Aaron, and he's willing to wait and see what the reason for that is, too.  

"Life doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
We keep living anyway
We rise and we fall and we make our mistakes
And if there's a reason I'm still alive
When so many have died
Then I'm willing to wait for it"

Through the course of the musical, we can see both Hamilton and Burr cross paths again and again, each time subtlely changing the other, until Aaron goes out on a limb for something he wants and Alexander specifically refrains from taking sides until he has to.  

I have had a conversation with many people recently, it seems, particularly over the last couple of years, where we had a discussion about waiting.  It seems that Andy and I know a lot of people right now that are in transition states.  Some of that is a product of decisions that were made, but in more cases, this is now a part of millennial life--when you've grown up hearing that you must go to college in order to get a good job, even implying that you will surely then get a good job upon finishing college, saddled with on average 25K worth of debt, told that you should find a unique vocation and you're "too good" for flipping burgers, well, a lot of us would rather have started out with nothing instead of all that baggage.  

We're not lazy--the world is just different.  We're not failures for not doing everything exactly as our parents did.  We're not failures for not being exactly where someone else things we should be in life.  In fact, we're not even failures for not being where WE want to be in life.  

That comes back to the waiting thing.  Andy and I have agreed that we are homesick for the future, that there are definitely places that we want to be in life that aren't exactly where we are now.  But we're still making all of the right steps toward that future.  Waiting is not an idle thing--we're preparing  in every way we can now.  It doesn't make us any less frustrated, but its reassuring all the same.  For the things we really want, we're willing to wait. 

And in the meanwhile, there are many good things about where we're at now, surrounding ourselves with good people, adventures, and attempting to be fiscally responsible.  Everything else will hopefully make sense in time.

Life-Long Learning

I can remember very clearly when I told my adviser at Knox College that I wanted to double major in biology and creative writing.  He blinked but was otherwise unfazed.  That was when I knew I was at the right school.  

Those were two of the subjects I was most interested in pursuing, and, while pretty opposite in and of itself, it does not fully encompass all of the things I really want to learn.  My family as a whole has an odd collection of knowledge, but I suppose that could be said for many families.  Here is a short list of our odd knowledge collective in my immediate-ish family:

• Photography
• Woodworking
• How to listen
• Basic construction
• Theology
• Fencing (the stabbing kind)
• Drawing 
• CAD drawing
• Racecar driving (specifically Sprint cars)
• Basic circuitry
• Sailing and basic boat repair
• Crocheting
• Gaming (card games, board games, etc.)
• First aid/medical knowledge
• Computer assembly
• Writing/editing/grammar
• Simple computer programming
• A smattering of languages, including sign language
• Music, music, music (including accordion, banjo, and opera)
• How to juggle
• Canning
• Proper swimming strokes/basic diving/scuba
• Car maintenance (basic repair and detailing)

I remember telling my father once that we were weird.  He corrected me "No, we're renaissance."  I still like to learn odd things.  And I've been taking steps toward my own self-improvement, keeping that hunger alive. 

• When I'm on hold waiting for a client (and my headset cooperates), I've been practicing juggling with the kooshballs on my desk.
• I'm making a specific effort toward including reading in my schedule--currently reading Dragonfly in Amber and Sophie's World, the former an enjoyable novel and the latter a crash course in Western Philosophy.  
• I'm attempting to learn how to french braid my own hair--struggling more with how to hold the different pieces than anything else.
• Joined the Finance Committee at the church, and I have actually seen moments where I have impacted the conversation, even if it's only adding in oxford commas.
• I've been taking piano lessons, currently on a Chopin waltz and "Married Life" from UP!.  
• Stepping a bit out of the norm to sing in Verdi's Requiem and learning more things about the way I sing and/or how to improve upon it.
• Using a DuoLingo app, I've been attempting to teach myself Norwegian.
• Getting in to some therapy for depression/anxiety relating to chronic illness/pain; this one has been a long time in coming, but now that things have calmed down enough to put more elements into my schedule.  
• Though I've fallen out a bit lately, I had been going regularly to the gym.
• Still blogging away!

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down on myself for not working toward a grand goal, it's good to remember what I'm doing in the meanwhile.  And we should be continuing to learn new things, else we stagnate.

Shameless Plug

Hey, all!

Andy, Janna, and I (along with several other members of the community) will be taking part in a performance of Verdi's Requiem this Friday (10/21/16) at 8 p.m.  If you are in shouting distance, I would strongly encourage you to attend:  I mean, full brass, orchestra, 130-some-odd voices, and some stellar soloists?  It's going to be boss.

However, if you cannot, livestream that sucker here.

It is my first time being involved in this kind of a production like this.  My voice was rather tired from the first tech-week rehearsal Tuesday, and my manager suggested that I might not actually sing on Tuesday night's rehearsal.  See, the thing is, when the orchestra is roaring beneath you and you feel the bass drum reverberating in your chest, well, I honestly cannot tell you how loud I sang.  

It's like being at a baseball game, when the home team hits a grand slam.  You are no longer yourself but part of a cheering mass, rising to our feet and shouting without realizing your voice is hoarse entirely as one unit.

I invite you to come be a part of this, too.  Come early to make sure you have a seat!

And if you need something to whet your appetite:  

Reactions and Where they Come From

I went to see a play the other day (shout-out to one Tristan B.!), and it was very well done.  On my way in, I was asked three separate times if I had tissues with me because I "was going to need them," at which point I had to ask what had I gotten myself into.  

The acting was well done, and at the end I was definitely immersed in the details, why the characters never touched each other apart from one important instance, how they all turned the pages together with the mood of the current speaker, how their expressions worked in the moment, a mental picture of what the room really meant without seeing it, why the characters were placed in that order on the stage, etc.  And there was a LOT to digest emotionally.  

During this processing time, I was caught in a loop of trying to understand what the characters were going through by relating it to my own experiences.  Well, yes, that's kind of how empathy works.  But at the same time, I was really struck with that sense of sonder again.  

I can only ever relate and process through my own experiences.  That means that even shared experiences have something that is wholly my own or otherwise cannot be shared completely.  

Huh.

I was caught thinking about the situation that Tristan's character was in, trying to cope with her husband's capture, thousands of miles away.  I didn't cry, because I was already in my own reaction to crisis:  fix now, feel later.  I know that I can displace emotion long enough to get things done when faced with a crisis, immediately going into my own mind of things that I would be doing.  Sometimes later never comes until it sneaks up on me, but that's how I've dealt with a lot of my crises.  I'm not saying that I always have a cool head, but it is a general pattern I can bring evidence to.

But other people were in the moment in very different ways around me.  I heard the sniffling, saw the sleeves try to surreptitiously remove evidence.  What we carry in is all different.  The strategies that we have when react to situations are different.

When we talk about grieving, it is often mentioned that we all grieve differently.  But when we are celebrating, do we recognize that is different, too?  Or when we are faced with a challenge or criticism?  There are no right and wrong ways to react.  There are, however, inappropriate reactions--though exactly where that line is can be a bit tricky to find.  This means we all have our reactions, then, to different reactions, which gets metaphysical very quickly.  

I suppose my question is why do we try to find the right way to act all the time?  How we create these different behavior patterns is cultural and otherwise elusive to nail down, possibly because I'm not an anthropologist.  It's another interesting layer to add to sonder, all the same.