Reactions and Where they Come From

I went to see a play the other day (shout-out to one Tristan B.!), and it was very well done.  On my way in, I was asked three separate times if I had tissues with me because I "was going to need them," at which point I had to ask what had I gotten myself into.  

The acting was well done, and at the end I was definitely immersed in the details, why the characters never touched each other apart from one important instance, how they all turned the pages together with the mood of the current speaker, how their expressions worked in the moment, a mental picture of what the room really meant without seeing it, why the characters were placed in that order on the stage, etc.  And there was a LOT to digest emotionally.  

During this processing time, I was caught in a loop of trying to understand what the characters were going through by relating it to my own experiences.  Well, yes, that's kind of how empathy works.  But at the same time, I was really struck with that sense of sonder again.  

I can only ever relate and process through my own experiences.  That means that even shared experiences have something that is wholly my own or otherwise cannot be shared completely.  

Huh.

I was caught thinking about the situation that Tristan's character was in, trying to cope with her husband's capture, thousands of miles away.  I didn't cry, because I was already in my own reaction to crisis:  fix now, feel later.  I know that I can displace emotion long enough to get things done when faced with a crisis, immediately going into my own mind of things that I would be doing.  Sometimes later never comes until it sneaks up on me, but that's how I've dealt with a lot of my crises.  I'm not saying that I always have a cool head, but it is a general pattern I can bring evidence to.

But other people were in the moment in very different ways around me.  I heard the sniffling, saw the sleeves try to surreptitiously remove evidence.  What we carry in is all different.  The strategies that we have when react to situations are different.

When we talk about grieving, it is often mentioned that we all grieve differently.  But when we are celebrating, do we recognize that is different, too?  Or when we are faced with a challenge or criticism?  There are no right and wrong ways to react.  There are, however, inappropriate reactions--though exactly where that line is can be a bit tricky to find.  This means we all have our reactions, then, to different reactions, which gets metaphysical very quickly.  

I suppose my question is why do we try to find the right way to act all the time?  How we create these different behavior patterns is cultural and otherwise elusive to nail down, possibly because I'm not an anthropologist.  It's another interesting layer to add to sonder, all the same.