End of Term and ALL THE THINGS

Whelp, I'm gaining enough space, now, to kind of gauge what the hell happened that required a hiatus in the first place.  Yeah, it's still a lot, and a great deal still to think about that.  

Real picture of me in those last few weeks

I chose the accelerated program because I wanted the intensity of that kind of structure.  I requested the DEU clinical structure (six or seven shifts of twelve hours instead of ten to twelve of six or eight-ish) because I wanted that similar density.  That doesn't mean, though, that when I was staring down my finals and juggling group projects and weighing my required reading list that I was feeling particularly grateful in those moments.  

Meanwhile, I had also been fitting in tech shifts, 0700-1900 on different days.  Even now, I'm making many mistakes, but I'm appreciative of the moments of correction--I need to know what other facets I can improve.  I need to be reminded to check X or Y until it becomes a habit (*cough* turning off the bed alarm before moving the patient *cough*).  I need those nudges of "the hospital prefers that Z be tracked in THIS box instead of that one, if you could go fix it."  I've had one patient call me multiple times for the same issue in a ten minute span while I was unable to leave my current patient for their safety.  I've watched how other persons have interacted with an unruly patient to choose what tactics I could adapt in the future.  I've had patients teach me better ways to care for them.  And I'm absorbing.  I will keep refining.

At the end of each shift, I found my brain hurt, my body was tired, but my heart was full.  ...and maybe a little tired.  

However, there were three unexpected byproducts of working as a tech while in school.

1. My focus in class shifted from "what do I need to know to perform well on the test?" to "what interests me and what can I take away to keep in my practice?"  I took the pressure off of myself in those spaces while simultaneously giving myself permission to be invested where I want to be rather than out of obligation.  It worked because I like to learn; it probably would not work for everyone.
2. I felt less pressure to absorb everything in my clinical days, which means I tend to relax a bit into them.  I'm VERY confident charting and taking vitals, given how frequently I do them in a shift as a tech, so I tend to focus on other aspects on my student days, finding other skillsets to explore.  
3. As I find more comfort in walking around in a hospital, I do carry myself differently, hesitating less to go into different spaces or to jump in and help.  I tasted independence as a tech.  Here's the real kicker:  the impending imposter syndrome is ebbing.  As a new tech, I have asked questions, made mistakes, corrected those mistakes, found help, and found places to improve--this will happen as a new nurse, too.  I will ask questions.  I will have places and people to lean on when I feel overwhelmed and support them in turn.  

The result of all of these pieces is I feel ready to start.  Moreover, I'm impatient to start.  There are still things to learn, but I want to get to the apprenticeship-like portion.  

And then a new abrupt stop:  another "hurry up and wait" period.  I'm picking up a good swath of tech shifts (the hospital is FULL about now), getting back to a regular workout routine, and working through a few house projects.  This space feels like I'm just in a week off between classes, so there's pressure to rest and accomplish projects as quickly as possible.  It's difficult to switch my head out of that pattern--there is no new normal yet and there won't be for some time yet.

I'm trying to lean into that discomfort, that it's okay for things to be soupy for a while.  I've got a lull before boards, and depending on when that happens, there may be some additional lag before orientation starts and at some point after enough training days there will be a switch to night shifts, more likely than not.  So, yeah, no steady kind of normal is in the periphery for a while yet.  It's uncomfortable, but I have the space to ask myself why, to dwell in some of those spaces.  

There are going to be a LOT of changes before the end of the year, drastic stretches of personal growth in a number of spaces.  I won't be able to see it if I don't take good stock of where things are now.  Thinking back to how much I knew last year at this time compared to what I know now, well, what I know after another year is going to be something worth seeing.