Chocolate-Covered Swedish Fish: my Providence Adventure

Work has sent me to a number of places, but I've stayed within a 3.5 hour radius of Bloomington/Normal all of this time so far.  To be fair, that covers a lot of ground, mostly pretty flat, open ground, but a lot of it.  However, this last one took me out a wee bit further than before:  Providence, Rhode Island.  This is another one with quite a few pictures, my friends.  

My nemesis...

So the work itself was a couple shades of difficult, if I'm being honest, where time was against us and there was still a lot of work yet left to do.  But my nights were free to my own discretion, meaning that some exploration was necessary.

First thing's first, I had a very harsh reminder that "older" cities are set up a little differently than "newer" ones.  Since a number of streets were created before cars were quite as popular, they're simply not wide enough for two cars to pass each other, let alone with another car parked by the curb.  Some of the streets are one ways for this reason, some are for preferred traffic patterns, but either way I was less than pleased with the sheer frequency of them.  More than once I went past my turn and had to get creative in coming back around to it.  Additionally, my GPS signal on my phone went a little squiffy, so I knew the name of the street but not which one.  For instance, there were three using the same main name within two blocks, one going one way, one going the other, and another one that was the Ct. version instead.  I pulled into a 7-11 and waited for my phone to figure itself out.

Aside from taking the scenic route, though, it was overall a neat place to be, aside from a few places that I was not supposed to go to alone at night.  I was told my first day that there was a Dunkin' Donuts at every corner; consequently, each time I saw once henceforth I had to grin.  My second full day there, I did make my way downtown to the Dunkin' Donuts Convention Center.  These two pictures are from the mall, from either side of it, part of my idle wanderings downtown, sticking with that philosophy that one is never truly lost until one starts to panic.


I had a happy surprise on my flight from O'Hare to Providence.  I was approached by this handsome, young sir and asked if my name happened to be Larissa.  He was another Skywardian from our main Wisconsin office that I had spoken with a few times but had never met in person.  We both happened to be heading to the same city, though different sites.  He had also gone through the Providence airport many, many times and was kind enough to lead me through the airport to the baggage claim, car rental area, and even lead me directly to my hotel before heading across town to his own.  We made plans to hang out that Thursday night and took an adventure to Newport, RI, which is where that first picture is from.  We had a grand time, walking around and talking about everything and nothing (by the end of that week, I was totally on verbal vomit mode) including work politics, life, and a few things in between.  It was a fun place to just walk around and enjoy the scenary.  At the end, we popped into a toy and candy store and picked up some chocolate-covered Swedish fish.  It was the kind of taste that makes your eyebrows knot together as you think very critically about what you have just placed in your mouth.  Once Jim described as a chocolate-covered cherry kind of taste, my brain cleared enough to allow continued chewing.  We were on the same flight back to O'Hare, too, and it was wonderful to have a friend on the journey.


Jim and I parted ways at O'Hare, flying back to our respective cities from there, though I had met another companion on her way from Providence to Peoria that happened to be on both of my flights that day.  We talked a lot about her family and how long it had been since she had been on a plane to see some of these particular members.  

I had another surprise centering around my flights.  On my trip from Peoria to O'Hare, I sat next to a gentleman named Daryl, and we talked the whole way there.  Somehow, I had priority seating on the way back, and I happened to notice the very same man coming down the aisle to his seat.  I waved and he smiled back, then looked, confused, down at his ticket.  He looked back up, "You're not going to believe this, but we're seat-mates again."  And sure enough, I sat next to and had a lively conversation with the same gentleman on my way from O'Hare back to Peoria.  

I feel that I would be remiss if I did not talk about food. 

This particular place took their food seriously.  Yikes.

I present to you a study in lobster eating.

  Yeah, I had no idea what I was doing.  

Then, there was something else that I had to do just for me.  I saw a billboard on my way back to the hotel room for Body Worlds.  This was something that I did because I wanted to, particularly knowing that I can't always find companions to go with me on this kind of nerdage.  If you haven't heard of this traveling exhibit before, they're real, donated human bodies that have been plasticized and posed, allowing you to see their muscles, organs, etc. in real context.  It's absolutely fascinating.  However, some people get grossed out by this, I gather, hence why I put these pictures last.  It's truly a fascinating exhibit, and I would certainly recommend it.  

So, in short, I had a good adventure, filled with all kinds of interesting moments.  I had a good adventure and met some good people along the way.

**If you do not want to see the Body World's pictures, this would be a good place to stop.**

Proof that I was actually there.
And, yes, that is a picture of a man holding his own skin.

Nightmare fuel

Shout-Out to the Lurkers

I know you're out there.

Yes, you.  

I know that there are more of you than I even realize, you, my silent readers.  

It's possible that you haven't missed a single posting since I started this blog last year, or maybe you catch up sporadically.  Perhaps you don't like to comment because you don't know what to say or you would rather have a conversation about it in person (which then may or may not happen because life happens in the midst of all else).  

All I really have to go off of are the view counts on my page, and sometimes, that's really enough.  And I want to let you know that you don't have to feel guilty about not liking a post on Facebook or not mentioning something about it to me in person.  It's okay.  I feel that support anyway.  And I appreciate you. 

It just might mean that I tell you the same story that you've already read once until you tell me otherwise-- it does make me smile to be able to put faces to those numbers. 

But you can also remain where you are.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for sharing this space with me.

Thoughts on the Road

Smells that have filled the car while just driving along on the road:

1. Onion
2. Pencil shavings
3. Cat food
4. Basil
5. Chicken
6. Grease, as in from an unknown deep fried glory
7. Fresh asphalt (that one make sense, at least)

And sometimes, I happen to be close to some crazy characters, where other adventures just seem to happen.

At first, we were just trying to move the elephant

But he was only interested in investigating Dad, apparently,
having dispatched of me and, very soon, Mike

On a tricycle built for...four.

Being on the road really does have its ups and downs.  (Sometimes, the internet in my hotel is LAME.)  I enjoy working with our people in person, walking them through what they'll need to know for their jobs in their territory and quickly see either lightbulbs or blank stares, encouraging them along.  Once I've clocked out for the day, my night is mine to invent.  I've had all kinds of random conversations in the whirlpool at the hotel.  I went to a movie one night, walked in a park another, and manage to get a bit of writing in here and there.  I like finding new, local places to eat, including such oddities as deep-fried Oreos in Freeport and a restaurant in Quincy called Tiramisu where I literally would have been happy to eat a bowl full of the sauce itself from the dish I had there.  Being on the road changes everything up, which in and of itself can be a welcome thing.  

However, I've reaching the point of exhaustion, where my body is starting to wear down with the stress of the season, small pieces crumbling away.  I look forward to September, when things begin to slow back down at least a little bit.  I want to start eating well again, get the right amount of sleep, and actually relax long enough to carry that peace of mind for longer than a day.  I'm officially to the point where I need to start eliminating extra activities out of my schedule, and any time Andy innocently suggests adding a small task to my time home, I bristle internally.  

I've lost the ability to balance my work schedule, my personal goals, and, to a point, my relationships.  I cannot juggle the details anymore, starting to drop details, and my body is suffering.  I don't feel like myself right now.  

Can't exactly pull back from the work part at this point of year, and that part of my life will get better soon anyway.  I'm pulling back on some of my goals and especially my guilt on not meeting them.  I'm saying no to spending time with people.  And I'm taking time to fall asleep on the couch.  I need to remember how to feel like me again.

The good news is this is a temporary state.  And I know that; it's what is giving me that little last push through.  On the one hand, I know that where I am at in this point this year as opposed to last year is a considerable improvement, so part of me demands that the tired part suck it up and deal.  But, just how my experiences with sickness don't invalidate someone else feeling ill today, I can still recognize that things are tough for myself even if they're not as bad as my lowest point--that's how I got to this terribly skewed version of "normal" in the first place, by smiling through suckage that still wasn't good even if it wasn't wretched.

In any case, I'm at another onsite this week for the full week and have unpacked, since I tend to believe that if I'm staying anywhere for more than one night, I feel better if I unpack.  Next week, I have the last major onsite for a little while, capping off the season by heading out to Providence, Rhode Island, this being the first time that I have flown for work.  I'm certain that this is going to be a great adventure, at least in part for the sheer relief of making it through the summer.  

Labels and Sides

The Fourth of July is about as important to my mother's side of the family as Christmas is--in fact, there are some family members that can make it to the Fourth that can't make it to Christmas.  For me, it's what we've always done for the Fourth:  go to Hopedale, spend time with family, eat too much good food, go down to the park to ride some rides, see the parade, and have a chance to catch up.  It doesn't have the presents, but it also doesn't have the stress of needing to be six other places.  

Now this year, Andy, David, and I all opted to show our holiday spirit by wearing our Bernie shirts to the parade, and, well, you see our uncle's reaction.  

We just want to give you free healthcare, Uncle Rick!

We've known for a long time that we have some different political opinions than our uncle, but that's really okay.  In separate pieces, we all had discussions with him, coming at the same serious of problems with different solutions.  We could recognize that we had our own biases.  We found that we were angry about a lot of the same things.

What I really appreciated was the reminder that everyone has reasons for thinking the way they do--not excuses, but reasons.  And there are places where we still had a lot of important common ground.  But most importantly, I had a person in front of me, not a caricature.  This was a person that I trusted and respected that had these ideas, not just some faceless "other."  

Both sides seem to forget that the person who thinks with a different opinion isn't automatically stupid or naive.  They are a person with history and reasons.  There is a person on the other side of the internet that can be hurt by your words.  There is a person on the other end of the internet that can be persuaded, perhaps much more so if we try to phrase an actual argument instead of blanket insults.  Additionally, there are people on the other side of the internet that might be hell bent on not being persuaded, and that is a reality, too.  

In short, we need to all come to the table with an open and empathetic mind, and we need to not get suckered into this idea that there are only ever two options; the world is full of grey instead of a projected false duality.  

Portland=Fairlyland?

Andy and I had an adventure recently to a strange, mythical place.  I do not know at which point our plane crossed into a new dimension, but it did seem rather appropriate in retrospect to be flying Spirit airlines.  

I mentioned to Andy a couple of times that now I understood why "Oregon" is usually accompanied by pine trees.  Very soon, we started compiling pieces of evidence for why we thought maybe we were in a fairyland instead of a real place.  

Look!  Hills with pine trees behind us!

Actual topography!

We were walking around a neighborhood and saw recycling on the corner and a bin out for a compost service.  

There was a store dedicated to socks and clearly doing well.

There was a farm to table restaurant in the airport that even cured their own bacon in house.

Downtown had so many mature trees, where parts felt more like a forest than they did a city. 

Apparently, Portland is in a Temperate Rain Forest Biome.  This fact was related to us casually, but what this means is basically everything can grow here.  No, really.  Just walking around in a neighborhood, we saw succulent desert plants, then a palm tree, a Japanese Maple, a White Oak, and this huge pine (below) within a few blocks of each other.

This was just a random tree in someone's yard.

There were bike paths even on the major highways.  One particular sir had EPIC leg muscles and clearly biked everywhere.  

In addition to hills, we also saw a view of a snow-capped mountain driving along.  This is still a highly unusual sight for me, considering that I've only otherwise seen mountains once in my life (spring break trip to Colorado).  

When we went to fill up the rental car, there was a gas station attendant who met us there and filled up the car himself for us.  Evidently, Oregon is one of two states left that does this.  

Walking around, there was a lot of diversity in people--not just different racial backgrounds, but ages, too.  

We were told upon arrival that one of the main things we should see, one of the places that people would ask if we visited while we were in Portland, was Powell's Bookstore.  It was huge.  It was glorious.  And it was hella busy.  As Andy put it, it was throwing elbows trying to get around kind of busy.  AND they had a shelf (only a shelf, but a whole shelf) of books in Norwegian.  

The area, too, seems to reflect a lot of progressive ideals that are important to the both of us.  
One of the real kickers for me, too, came from a discussion with friends, that teachers in the area are similar to doctors, in the capacity that they are treated as professionals, as compared to the attitude that if a student is doing poorly then clearly it is the teacher's fault.  I know, crazy, right?  

So Andy and I still are not completely sure whether Portland is real or just a figment of our imaginations, but to be fair, we only had about 36 hours there.  Truly, this added to the whole surrealism of the experience, that we barreled in and barreled out in the course of a weekend.  Why take the time to go and come back, without a ton of time to explore?  We are still storing our time off for our Norway trip in February.  But we weren't going to miss it.  

Because of these two beautiful people here (the beautiful ones in the middle, I mean).

So glad that we could make it out for Nolan and Laura's wedding that weekend.  We got to catch up with some friends, the ceremony and venue were lovely, the bride was glamorous, and the groom was pleased as anything.  We would have done it again in a heartbeat.  

Had a fantastic time.  Getting home was a bit of a struggle, but that's because Fairyland wanted to keep us there longer.  We got back home at 2 am Monday morning and still went to work.  Would still do it again.  

This is our "Holy crap, we made it back alive" face.

YOLO Responsibly

It is a natural hazard of the world we live in that money is one of the most common worries.  Purportedly, it is the number one thing that couples argue about.  Andy and I have had many discussions about money and trying to work out between us what our priorities should be, bringing our ideas together.  We've managed to find a good system that works for us for where we are now, though I know many others that have not found that balance quite yet or have been struggling with it for years.  

It has happened more than once that I've been talking to someone and they mention that things are tight right now.  Sometimes this is mentioned to change our plans, that they cannot afford to eat out or they cannot take their turn to treat, and sometimes just because they need vent about something weighing on their mind.  I understand, and I'm not upset to adjust plans as needed.  

Then, sometimes a little while later and sometimes just a breath later, that same person will excitedly tell me about about the shiny, new thing they just got.  I may not show it on the outside, but on the inside, I'm definitely thinking very loudly that they must not be that worried about money, then.  Sometimes the conversation might then fall back to their concerns about bills, and again I just don't understand where their priorities are. 

At some point in our development, someone told us in the grocery story that we couldn't just have that candy bar because we wanted it.  We couldn't grab whatever we wanted in the toy store and walk out without paying for it.  And then as we got older, there were still points where we were told no.  

Sometimes, then, when we're finally in charge of our own money, things get interesting.  When money situations change, hopefully we can plan and adapt to it.  Some of us don't figure it out quickly.  Some of us never seem to figure it out.  We need to remember that just because we want something is not reason enough to necessarily have something.  

Simple, right?  And let's apply it to a broader spectrum:  if what I want harms someone else, that's another situation where wanting something isn't a good reason to have it.  Your wants do not supersede the needs of someone else.  A thief or a rapist decides something that they want is more important than what someone else wants, to the point where they are willing to sacrifice the emotional and physical well-being of another person.  We have the caricature of an evil CEO putting profits over the needs of their workers and a dozen movies where a plucky group of kids or a dog somehow puts said caricature in their place.  These are morally wrong.  But I want to throw this out there, too:  your future self is going to have needs that should be recognized.

But how, then, are we supposed to live life fully if we're so worried about money and otherwise make good decisions?  Andy coined it really well the other day:  we YOLO responsibly in our household.  

For those unfamiliar with the acronym, it means "you only live once."  Think a lower-brow carpe diem, in that this is usually used to justify a stupid decision after the fact rather than a heartening rally to courage.  So, yes, it is a bit of a contradiction to YOLO responsibly.

We have impulse buys from time to time, sure, but not at the expense of things we really want.  We'll have been saving for over two years to go on our Norway trip in February, for example.  Could we use that money to pay off our car sooner?  Sure.  Andy and I went to Portland last weekend (more details later) which was an additional expense, but it was absolutely worth it and I would do it again.  Could we have put that money toward our student debt?  Maybe.  

We have in different situations weighed the options and calculated the cost, finding ways to cut costs with hotel points and whatever else.  And at these different times Andy and I found a line:  I call it the "Screw it, I'm doing it anyway" line.  

Where this line is for everyone, I cannot rightly say.  Everyone has different priorities that I'm not fully privy to.  Furthermore, it can be very blurry when there are things that you want but things that might slow you down from getting the things that you really want.  Finding when it is right to cross this line requires perspective and some maturity.  To understand whether this is a decision that might impact your future self or someone else means that you need awareness of what some of those future wants might be.  

That's the responsibly part.  I think the "Screw it, I'm doing it anyway" part is much more self-explanatory.  Sometimes, we just need to take a jump and have an adventure, finding those moments that make up a rich life.  

Andy and I have found our balance for this point in our lives and we have strong communication, particularly with any decisions that involve a large expenditure.  It has meant passing on things that we want for things that we want more.  Bills are prioritized, then paying off debt to give us the freedom to do what we really want, when we figure out where life is going to take us next.  And yet, we still find a balance in taking some adventures along the way.  

I wish I had some clear lines for when it's okay to jump and when you should let an opportunity slide (possibly painfully) by.  Find what works for you and what adventures you need to fill the in between.  YOLO responsibly, my friends.  

Why Andy and I don't have Kids Yet

I know that people don't really mean anything by it, when they ask when Andy and I are having kids.  Friends have suggested that we get right on that so we can have play-dates together, a family member has hinted that it would be fun if we all had kids the same age, another family member has inquired directly more than once, and even newly engaged, it was pointed out to me that Andy was the first son of a first son of a first son (as though I have something to do with choosing a child's gender anyway).  

There's pressure here.  Well-meant pressure, but definitely pressure.

There are many reasons why it is not appropriate to ask a woman or a couple when they are having kids.  Firstly, I do want to make the distinction that this is different than asking if someone is planning on having kids:  the first is a stated expectation which applies pressure and judgement while the latter is more an actual inquiry.   Here are some additional reasons why the "when" version could be inappropriate:    

1. The woman/couple has no intention of having kids--this means that this question tends to lead to many more uncomfortable questions where the woman/couple are often assured that they'll change their minds in time and implying the speaker knows what is best for them and their lives.  This is assumptive and rude.  Furthermore if the woman/couple is planning on having kids, it should be on their time schedule instead of yours.
2. The woman/couple is incapable of having children--wow, yeah, and you just rubbed their faces in it.  Maybe there was a recent miscarriage.  Casually walking into the conversation, you have no idea what the context is.  And adoption tends to be a long, frustrating process, so that attempt to spin it toward some hope there, didn't help much.
3. It's none of your damn business anyway.  

In short, for any of these cases the way that question is framed can lead to some hurt feelings.  Also, you've probably crushed their self-esteem in the process.  Gold star.

Someone might say that I'm being too sensitive, that it isn't what the other person means at all.  Regardless of the intent of that individual, it still hurts, but don't worry, I happen to have other concerns that form Andy's and my particular reasons.

1.  Financial Readiness
Andy and I are working on our debt.  We've made a lot of good progress toward cleaning things up, including some compacted medical bills pilled up on credit cards.  Our student loans are going to take quite a while to wade through, yet.  Additionally, emigrating to Norway is not off the table, which would not be a cheap process since we would prefer not to manage debt across the Atlantic.  Raising a child would not be cheap, and we would very much have to adjust how our goals are spread out.  We've stabilized financially in a lot of ways, but there is still a lot of work left to do.  

2.  Physical Readiness
So, my body has long been unable to really support my own life, let alone the life of another. I have been betrayed by my body so many times, reading the signs but helpless against them, like screaming to somehow stop the oncoming car from colliding into your own.   When something feels off in my body, whether a small twinge or an odd gurgle, my brain goes through some serious acrobatics, trying to sort out if this is a warning sign or not and if something needs to be done.  

Both my GI doctor and my Gynecologist have agreed that it would be high risk pregnancy situation.  Period.  It will have to be a very careful, closely-monitored process.  Plus, there is extensive damage and scarring from previous surgeries and the disease itself, and I might remind the reader that the rectum is positioned immediately adjacent to the vaginal canal.  Hell, this has made sex difficult when this area is particularly inflamed, so my doctor doesn't think a vaginal birth would be a good idea.  

I'm still not in remission with Crohn's.  I have not been in remission for several years.  My doctors and I agree that we should be as healthy as possible before making ANY real attempt.  What tends to sit in the dark places of my mind is that if my body is not in a place to try and support another life form, it might then reject that new growth in an effort for its own survival.  I don't want to put myself through that.  

For anyone thinking, well, why not just go right for adoption, return first to Item 1.  More to the point, though, the thing about Crohn's is that inevitably there will be another flare up.  How might I be able to take care of a child when my body collapses in on itself next time?  Chasing a toddler or working through teenage problems takes energy that I cannot guarantee I will have.  While I've made many incredible strides, I still cannot say with any certainty that my body won't find a relapse on any given day.  In fact, I have a couple of reoccurring problems that will literally take me down in less than a week.  How fair is that to Andy?  How fair is that to the hypothetical offspring?

3.  Emotional Readiness
This one is the true kicker.  I'm genuinely not emotionally ready to try.  I'm terrified of my body.  I have good reason not to trust it.  Having another life depend on me through that, when I felt guilty enough burdening my husband and family though this last flare up?  Not something I look forward to.

Here's what's more:  Andy and I want to start a family.  We do.  But for more than one reason we can't focus on that right now.  When you ask me when I'm going to have kids, you are reminding me that I still can't have something that I really want.  It hurts.  I smile, but it hurts.  

I still grieve working through the things I feel Crohn's has taken from me--time, peace of mind, potential work, my self-image, etc.--and I wonder with a very real fear if this is one of many things that I might never have in my life because of it.  Because of this stupid, fragile body.

Maybe I don't have a dream right now because I'm terrified that another flare up is going to take it from me.

I've got a lot to work through before I will be okay taking this risk, either through my own pregnancy or adoption.  Legitimately, this is one of the few places where fear truly rules over me.  

And it hurts.  

So please don't ask.  And consider, too, that other persons you might think about asking could be going through a number of situations that you might not know about.