Melvin and Me, Part 8: On the Social Rules of Farting

When I wake up in the morning, I tend to hear the plastic crinkling at my side--the bag has caught everything it has supposed to over the course of the night.  Sometimes that means that there is warm blorp of poop, but more often in the morning, the bag is almost entirely full of air.  This is an odd superpower:  I can more accurately quantify the amount of gas I fart than the average person.  Farts, toots, or etc. are a natural part of the digestive process, as food molecules are broken down and converted into usable energy.  However, I like to think of them as the screams of the digested food, because it makes me laugh.  Melvin doesn't "fart" in quite the same way--the sound of a fart is majorly composed of your own butt cheeks vibrating and flapping as the force of the gas escapes between them...and you're welcome for that visual.  Melvin is often a simple, quiet "pfffft."  Sometimes, there's a "blurble" as some fecal material travels with it.  In the end, though, if all went according to plan, it stays contained in the bag, inflating the bag incrementally.  

There are different kinds of appliances.  Some of them have built-in carbon filters that allow air out, still containing the rest of the contents without issue.  Having a bag full of air is more reassuring to me--I know that if the air cannot get out without my help that nothing else is getting out either.  However, this does mean that I have to take extra trips to the bathroom just to release out this gas.  I lift the tabs on the bag that the ostomy belts can connect to, where the bag clips on to the part of the appliance that sits on my skin.  I pull it up just enough to let the air out of the balloon, as it were.  

I do have to be careful not to pull it up too far, so that only air is coming out instead of everything.  I could also open up the other end and empty everything out that way, but having an option to release the air tends to be a helpful shortcut.  

So here's the question of the day, then:  there are social rules about where and when one should fart, when it is under their power to do so, while still understanding that there are farts that just "sneak out" due to repositioning, age, or other conditions.  And I can't say that I've seen consensus about it.  I've heard from some folk say that you should go to the bathroom to fart, others who try to keep a respectful distance or otherwise wait until they're alone, and then some collective agreement that you can do what you want in your own home.  However, barring unforeseen disasters, when I vent my ostomy bag, burp Melvin, fart, or whatever else you want to call it, I have control on when that happens.  So, when and where can I do that?  

Now, Andy will tell you that having all of that gas over the course of a few hours concentrated in one place gives it a particular pungency.  In fact, if he playfully farts "on" me, he starts running when I reach toward my side to retaliate.  How true this is or isn't, I'm not really sure because I'm self-conscious about it and don't feel that I'm an accurate judge on this.  Does the scale of "pungency" matter?     

I'll throw another scenario out there--if the bag gets too full, from air or whatever else--it will find a way to vent that on its own, meaning that it will blow out and become a mess rather than the minor inconvenience of working with an inflated balloon at my side.  Let's say I'm at work, and through a series of high priority projects, I cannot leave my desk.  I notice that the bag is really full.  I don't think that the client will respond well to my request for a bathroom break to take care of it, because they are sixteen shades of mad.  However, this rather full bag of gas is making me anxious and no longer able to put my full attention into the call--could I just vent a bit of it there in my cubical?  Does it help to chase it immediately with some room spray to try and cover up parts of it?

What if I am in that that comfy spot on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, with all necessary items in reach, and otherwise very content...and then I notice that my colostomy is full of air.  Is it okay to vent the bag then?  Should I be relegated to the bathroom in my own home? 

Could I lift my shirt and vent it when I'm outside?  Are the rules different when a bathroom is not readily available?  

I suppose part of the difference is that I cannot be inconspicuous--I'm very obviously lifting my shirt and exposing part of my abdomen to get to the appliance.  Everyone else can fart as they want to, crop-dusting in the mall or finding a corner for a moment.  Is that what makes it different?  While others with ostomies have certainly found their own guidelines, I have a chance to write some of my own.  

I'm genuinely looking for input on this one.  Really, I don't know what the social rules are for this.