Wait for It

So, I think I've mentioned in other posts (like this one *cough*) that I'm not normally one for bandwagons.  Thankfully, though, I'd only heard a few things about Hamilton and was therefore able to embrace it and enjoy it.  

For those that have not had the opportunity to listen to it yet, it is a lot of fun and is well put together, a warts and all story.  The construction, too, is slick, with reoccurring motifs in the music and lyrics that are used in different ways at different points in the stories.  One of my favorite elements, though, is how Aaron Burr is a foil for Hamilton the whole way through.  Alexander Hamilton is always goes through life in a rush, always taking risks, pushing forward, and writing excessively, "like he's running out of time."  Aaron, however, takes a very different perspective in my favorite song of the whole musical:  check it out.  

Aaron Burr, in the musical at least, always weighs his options.  He doesn't choose a side so that he can choose when the time is right, waiting for the right opportunity.  Alexander Hamilton, by contrast, seems to keep winning despite going against Aaron's philosophy, which Aaron finds both perplexing and amazing.  Immediately before this song, Alexander recommends to Aaron to go after the woman he's in love with, even though she is married to a British officer.  He starts the song musing over this situation.  

"Love doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints...
And if there's a reason I'm by her side
When so many have tried,
I'm willing to wait for it
I'm willing to wait for it"

Aaron is recognizing that he doesn't fully understand why his lover chose him over anyone else that she could have had.  He's willing to wait and find out what that reason is, mostly I believe out of gratitude, not wanting to question his own good fortune.  Then, he starts reflecting on his parents.  

"Death doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints...
And if there's a reason I'm still alive
When everyone who loves me has died
I'm willing to wait for it
I'm willing to wait for it"

Aaron's not sure why his parents were taken from him or why he is still alive, but he's willing to wait to see what the reason is for this, too.  

However, Aaron seems to be tired of trying to justify this waiting, declaring that he's "not standing still, [he's] lying in wait."  His thoughts this shift to his rival, noticing that although Alexander Hamilton acts counter-intuitively to everything else he's believed, he somehow still seems to come out on top.  This, too, confuses Aaron, and he's willing to wait and see what the reason for that is, too.  

"Life doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
We keep living anyway
We rise and we fall and we make our mistakes
And if there's a reason I'm still alive
When so many have died
Then I'm willing to wait for it"

Through the course of the musical, we can see both Hamilton and Burr cross paths again and again, each time subtlely changing the other, until Aaron goes out on a limb for something he wants and Alexander specifically refrains from taking sides until he has to.  

I have had a conversation with many people recently, it seems, particularly over the last couple of years, where we had a discussion about waiting.  It seems that Andy and I know a lot of people right now that are in transition states.  Some of that is a product of decisions that were made, but in more cases, this is now a part of millennial life--when you've grown up hearing that you must go to college in order to get a good job, even implying that you will surely then get a good job upon finishing college, saddled with on average 25K worth of debt, told that you should find a unique vocation and you're "too good" for flipping burgers, well, a lot of us would rather have started out with nothing instead of all that baggage.  

We're not lazy--the world is just different.  We're not failures for not doing everything exactly as our parents did.  We're not failures for not being exactly where someone else things we should be in life.  In fact, we're not even failures for not being where WE want to be in life.  

That comes back to the waiting thing.  Andy and I have agreed that we are homesick for the future, that there are definitely places that we want to be in life that aren't exactly where we are now.  But we're still making all of the right steps toward that future.  Waiting is not an idle thing--we're preparing  in every way we can now.  It doesn't make us any less frustrated, but its reassuring all the same.  For the things we really want, we're willing to wait. 

And in the meanwhile, there are many good things about where we're at now, surrounding ourselves with good people, adventures, and attempting to be fiscally responsible.  Everything else will hopefully make sense in time.

Life-Long Learning

I can remember very clearly when I told my adviser at Knox College that I wanted to double major in biology and creative writing.  He blinked but was otherwise unfazed.  That was when I knew I was at the right school.  

Those were two of the subjects I was most interested in pursuing, and, while pretty opposite in and of itself, it does not fully encompass all of the things I really want to learn.  My family as a whole has an odd collection of knowledge, but I suppose that could be said for many families.  Here is a short list of our odd knowledge collective in my immediate-ish family:

• Photography
• Woodworking
• How to listen
• Basic construction
• Theology
• Fencing (the stabbing kind)
• Drawing 
• CAD drawing
• Racecar driving (specifically Sprint cars)
• Basic circuitry
• Sailing and basic boat repair
• Crocheting
• Gaming (card games, board games, etc.)
• First aid/medical knowledge
• Computer assembly
• Writing/editing/grammar
• Simple computer programming
• A smattering of languages, including sign language
• Music, music, music (including accordion, banjo, and opera)
• How to juggle
• Canning
• Proper swimming strokes/basic diving/scuba
• Car maintenance (basic repair and detailing)

I remember telling my father once that we were weird.  He corrected me "No, we're renaissance."  I still like to learn odd things.  And I've been taking steps toward my own self-improvement, keeping that hunger alive. 

• When I'm on hold waiting for a client (and my headset cooperates), I've been practicing juggling with the kooshballs on my desk.
• I'm making a specific effort toward including reading in my schedule--currently reading Dragonfly in Amber and Sophie's World, the former an enjoyable novel and the latter a crash course in Western Philosophy.  
• I'm attempting to learn how to french braid my own hair--struggling more with how to hold the different pieces than anything else.
• Joined the Finance Committee at the church, and I have actually seen moments where I have impacted the conversation, even if it's only adding in oxford commas.
• I've been taking piano lessons, currently on a Chopin waltz and "Married Life" from UP!.  
• Stepping a bit out of the norm to sing in Verdi's Requiem and learning more things about the way I sing and/or how to improve upon it.
• Using a DuoLingo app, I've been attempting to teach myself Norwegian.
• Getting in to some therapy for depression/anxiety relating to chronic illness/pain; this one has been a long time in coming, but now that things have calmed down enough to put more elements into my schedule.  
• Though I've fallen out a bit lately, I had been going regularly to the gym.
• Still blogging away!

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down on myself for not working toward a grand goal, it's good to remember what I'm doing in the meanwhile.  And we should be continuing to learn new things, else we stagnate.

Shameless Plug

Hey, all!

Andy, Janna, and I (along with several other members of the community) will be taking part in a performance of Verdi's Requiem this Friday (10/21/16) at 8 p.m.  If you are in shouting distance, I would strongly encourage you to attend:  I mean, full brass, orchestra, 130-some-odd voices, and some stellar soloists?  It's going to be boss.

However, if you cannot, livestream that sucker here.

It is my first time being involved in this kind of a production like this.  My voice was rather tired from the first tech-week rehearsal Tuesday, and my manager suggested that I might not actually sing on Tuesday night's rehearsal.  See, the thing is, when the orchestra is roaring beneath you and you feel the bass drum reverberating in your chest, well, I honestly cannot tell you how loud I sang.  

It's like being at a baseball game, when the home team hits a grand slam.  You are no longer yourself but part of a cheering mass, rising to our feet and shouting without realizing your voice is hoarse entirely as one unit.

I invite you to come be a part of this, too.  Come early to make sure you have a seat!

And if you need something to whet your appetite:  

Reactions and Where they Come From

I went to see a play the other day (shout-out to one Tristan B.!), and it was very well done.  On my way in, I was asked three separate times if I had tissues with me because I "was going to need them," at which point I had to ask what had I gotten myself into.  

The acting was well done, and at the end I was definitely immersed in the details, why the characters never touched each other apart from one important instance, how they all turned the pages together with the mood of the current speaker, how their expressions worked in the moment, a mental picture of what the room really meant without seeing it, why the characters were placed in that order on the stage, etc.  And there was a LOT to digest emotionally.  

During this processing time, I was caught in a loop of trying to understand what the characters were going through by relating it to my own experiences.  Well, yes, that's kind of how empathy works.  But at the same time, I was really struck with that sense of sonder again.  

I can only ever relate and process through my own experiences.  That means that even shared experiences have something that is wholly my own or otherwise cannot be shared completely.  

Huh.

I was caught thinking about the situation that Tristan's character was in, trying to cope with her husband's capture, thousands of miles away.  I didn't cry, because I was already in my own reaction to crisis:  fix now, feel later.  I know that I can displace emotion long enough to get things done when faced with a crisis, immediately going into my own mind of things that I would be doing.  Sometimes later never comes until it sneaks up on me, but that's how I've dealt with a lot of my crises.  I'm not saying that I always have a cool head, but it is a general pattern I can bring evidence to.

But other people were in the moment in very different ways around me.  I heard the sniffling, saw the sleeves try to surreptitiously remove evidence.  What we carry in is all different.  The strategies that we have when react to situations are different.

When we talk about grieving, it is often mentioned that we all grieve differently.  But when we are celebrating, do we recognize that is different, too?  Or when we are faced with a challenge or criticism?  There are no right and wrong ways to react.  There are, however, inappropriate reactions--though exactly where that line is can be a bit tricky to find.  This means we all have our reactions, then, to different reactions, which gets metaphysical very quickly.  

I suppose my question is why do we try to find the right way to act all the time?  How we create these different behavior patterns is cultural and otherwise elusive to nail down, possibly because I'm not an anthropologist.  It's another interesting layer to add to sonder, all the same.  

Life Update and Things

Hey, all!  As I'm trying to reconnect with people after the summer, I feel that a general update might help.

• Andy and I have met our Norway funding goal!  We're hoping it's enough, but that we were able to actually put money away into savings at all, that's some adulting right there.
• We have hammered down our Norway dates:  sounds like February 10th-23rd.  And!  And we just bought our plane tickets at a FANTASTIC price thanks to the hard work of Eugene at Magic Carpet Travel (let me know if you need that contact information).  Seriously, about $450 apiece when I had budgeted about three times that for one person.  That's going to equate to a couple more sweaters.
• I have lost somewhere between 35-40 lbs since January.  I don't recall fitting into size 12 before and there was a great happy dance in the dressing room when that pair of red pants fit.  Also have bought another pair of pants since then, so it was not a fluke.
• My energy levels are still holding strong--really, this switch to a ketogenic diet was a win all around, particularly as I keep finding more and more evidence that sugar is linked to most of the disease issues we've always attributed to fat.  
• Excited about being a part of Kate's wedding in another week. 
• Andy has been having some difficulty sleeping.  Lame.
• Joining the finance committee at church has led to some interesting discussions and thinking a lot more deeply into the functions and nuances of the church.  
• Work has been stupid busy, but I do actually like my job (still).  We've just moved away from preparing to the school year to "now that the school year has started, everything's on fire!" kind of mindset from our clients, with a lot of last-minute assignments and troubleshooting.
• I have gone to the gym frequently enough that my fellow Zumba classmates had noticed I was missing this summer--that's some kind of accomplishment, I think.
• I have very much missed sitting down to write blog posts.  I hope that I can get some dedicated writing time back into my schedule again. 
• I've started playing a farming simulator game called Story of Seasons, where I'm trying to grow the best crops and get my cow have more hearts so she'll win in the town festival.  Maybe that sounds weird, but it's actually a certain level of addicting.  And I'm going to make that cow love me, dammit. 
• Singing in Verdi's Requiem with the Community Chorus soon.  Ya'll should go.  Performance is on October 21st and it is going to be killer.  A couple hundred voices, full orchestra, brass, and the kind of music that gets all kinds of visceral in the best ways. 

That's the latest in a nutshell.

My Theme Song from the Summer

So, summer has been ridiculously busy.  That in and of itself is wholly expected, but I am still amazed by the sheer exhaustion I feel coming to the end.  This song was introduced to me by a friend, and, understandably, it has popped into my head at certain appropriate times, those moments when I'm just about fed up.  Enjoy "Hurry, Hurry" by Air Traffic Controller.

Catchy, yes?  

Our speaker is going through the world right now at a faster pace than he is comfortable with.  He is at risk of losing everything that is important in his life--people, events, and everything in between.  
Ooh im gonna miss something
if i keep bumpin'
The most significant stuff
All my friends and all the loose ends
And this love of mine
Cause I'm running out if time

He recognizes, too, that his mental and physical health are at risk.  In fact, the speaker has been so busy with things that he is essentially having an existential crisis.  
Who am I
Am I still the same guy
Or have I lost something as I keep stompin’
mind and health, every bit of myself
I ignore the signs
As I'm running out of time
For the first verse, it's very much in the present, realizing hurrying as a state of being, but starting rather innocently with simple worries about little things he has forgotten.  Moving in to the second verse, hurrying has become a strong pattern.  He also realizes that all of this hurrying has not really benefited him at all, and he's reflecting back on things that he's lost.  By trying to save time, our speaker has lost so much of it.  Unfortunately, he has gotten used to being busy.  He speeds through conversations with his loved ones, sex, and even his own quiet time.  By the time he finally stops, it seems he has met an early death from all of the combined stress, never having lived life.  

Well.  Isn't that an optimistic thought.  

Thankfully, that third verse seems more speculative, a cautionary tale to himself (and consequently us) as he caught in the daily grind.  I know that I get caught being a human "doing" instead of a human "being," where I start to determine my own worth by all the things that I can get done.  I want to be involved and included--there is a fear of missing out there--and yet I cannot overtax myself.  But I also have a lot more energy than I used to.  I know that I can (or should) say no, but I don't want to.  Work has simultaneously slowed down and stayed busy at the same time, through some bizarre magic.  I'm trying to reintroduce things back to my schedule, like piano lessons, the gym, and social outings, but even things I enjoy doing are more things in the schedule.  All told, I don't know what my balance is anymore.  

Funny that I procrastinate on relaxation.  I will take "me time," but I have to convince myself to do it first.  And I will.  Eventually.  Intellectually I know what I need to do--and have been reminded by many people--but I still have to reach that point on my own.  Next year, I will be planning a few days off in September to try and recover from the inevitable summer craziness.  This year, with our Norway adventure looming, I'm loathe to take time off that I don't have to, keeping in mind that a couple of sick days now might be the difference between a few weeks of being truly sick later.  

At least I have a catchy song in my head in the meanwhile.

Chocolate-Covered Swedish Fish: my Providence Adventure

Work has sent me to a number of places, but I've stayed within a 3.5 hour radius of Bloomington/Normal all of this time so far.  To be fair, that covers a lot of ground, mostly pretty flat, open ground, but a lot of it.  However, this last one took me out a wee bit further than before:  Providence, Rhode Island.  This is another one with quite a few pictures, my friends.  

My nemesis...

So the work itself was a couple shades of difficult, if I'm being honest, where time was against us and there was still a lot of work yet left to do.  But my nights were free to my own discretion, meaning that some exploration was necessary.

First thing's first, I had a very harsh reminder that "older" cities are set up a little differently than "newer" ones.  Since a number of streets were created before cars were quite as popular, they're simply not wide enough for two cars to pass each other, let alone with another car parked by the curb.  Some of the streets are one ways for this reason, some are for preferred traffic patterns, but either way I was less than pleased with the sheer frequency of them.  More than once I went past my turn and had to get creative in coming back around to it.  Additionally, my GPS signal on my phone went a little squiffy, so I knew the name of the street but not which one.  For instance, there were three using the same main name within two blocks, one going one way, one going the other, and another one that was the Ct. version instead.  I pulled into a 7-11 and waited for my phone to figure itself out.

Aside from taking the scenic route, though, it was overall a neat place to be, aside from a few places that I was not supposed to go to alone at night.  I was told my first day that there was a Dunkin' Donuts at every corner; consequently, each time I saw once henceforth I had to grin.  My second full day there, I did make my way downtown to the Dunkin' Donuts Convention Center.  These two pictures are from the mall, from either side of it, part of my idle wanderings downtown, sticking with that philosophy that one is never truly lost until one starts to panic.


I had a happy surprise on my flight from O'Hare to Providence.  I was approached by this handsome, young sir and asked if my name happened to be Larissa.  He was another Skywardian from our main Wisconsin office that I had spoken with a few times but had never met in person.  We both happened to be heading to the same city, though different sites.  He had also gone through the Providence airport many, many times and was kind enough to lead me through the airport to the baggage claim, car rental area, and even lead me directly to my hotel before heading across town to his own.  We made plans to hang out that Thursday night and took an adventure to Newport, RI, which is where that first picture is from.  We had a grand time, walking around and talking about everything and nothing (by the end of that week, I was totally on verbal vomit mode) including work politics, life, and a few things in between.  It was a fun place to just walk around and enjoy the scenary.  At the end, we popped into a toy and candy store and picked up some chocolate-covered Swedish fish.  It was the kind of taste that makes your eyebrows knot together as you think very critically about what you have just placed in your mouth.  Once Jim described as a chocolate-covered cherry kind of taste, my brain cleared enough to allow continued chewing.  We were on the same flight back to O'Hare, too, and it was wonderful to have a friend on the journey.


Jim and I parted ways at O'Hare, flying back to our respective cities from there, though I had met another companion on her way from Providence to Peoria that happened to be on both of my flights that day.  We talked a lot about her family and how long it had been since she had been on a plane to see some of these particular members.  

I had another surprise centering around my flights.  On my trip from Peoria to O'Hare, I sat next to a gentleman named Daryl, and we talked the whole way there.  Somehow, I had priority seating on the way back, and I happened to notice the very same man coming down the aisle to his seat.  I waved and he smiled back, then looked, confused, down at his ticket.  He looked back up, "You're not going to believe this, but we're seat-mates again."  And sure enough, I sat next to and had a lively conversation with the same gentleman on my way from O'Hare back to Peoria.  

I feel that I would be remiss if I did not talk about food. 

This particular place took their food seriously.  Yikes.

I present to you a study in lobster eating.

  Yeah, I had no idea what I was doing.  

Then, there was something else that I had to do just for me.  I saw a billboard on my way back to the hotel room for Body Worlds.  This was something that I did because I wanted to, particularly knowing that I can't always find companions to go with me on this kind of nerdage.  If you haven't heard of this traveling exhibit before, they're real, donated human bodies that have been plasticized and posed, allowing you to see their muscles, organs, etc. in real context.  It's absolutely fascinating.  However, some people get grossed out by this, I gather, hence why I put these pictures last.  It's truly a fascinating exhibit, and I would certainly recommend it.  

So, in short, I had a good adventure, filled with all kinds of interesting moments.  I had a good adventure and met some good people along the way.

**If you do not want to see the Body World's pictures, this would be a good place to stop.**

Proof that I was actually there.
And, yes, that is a picture of a man holding his own skin.

Nightmare fuel