Holding a Moment

I had the pleasure to be a part of Kate and Kaitlyn's wedding recently.  

It was a long but wonderful weekend, helping all of those last minute details pull together into a lovely ceremony and a great party.  I reconnected with some people and had the pleasure of meeting a good few more.

And helped make a LEGION of cupcakes.  This is about a quarter of them.

Emotions were running all over the place, from panic to joy to anger to relief and everything in between.  There's a lot going together in the planning of a wedding, if you've not gone through it yourself.  

However, I have a very specific moment held perfectly in my mind.  There were many that I could have picked--when the brides first saw each other, Kaitlyn's bouncy excitement right before the wedding, Kate and her mother sitting next to each other waiting to line up, their first kiss as a married couple, the list goes on.  But for some reason, the moment that is sticking with me most was Kaitlyn and her father in the daddy-daughter dance.  From where I was sitting, I had a clear view of his face, watching the resolution crumple into joyful tears as they held each other close.  There was something so beautiful and untainted about that moment.  

I don't know why, but I find that I don't cry nearly so easily as when I see someone else crying.  Again, many good moments that I could have teared up, but when I had that perfect vantage point of watching someone fight tears and ultimately give in, well, I was with the two of them emotionally in that private but public moment.  

As I've thought about that moment, I've also been trying to pinpoint what my triggers might be.  I always cry at those video compilations where soldiers are returning home to their families.  I'll sometimes cry at weddings.  I sometimes cry at funerals.  Sometimes happy tears move me more than sad tears and sometimes it's the other way around.  I'm sure I could find the source, find a correlation over time, but I don't feel that it is really worth the effort at the moment.  Sometimes, it's better just to hold the experience.

I'm so very happy for you both, Kate and Kaitlyn.

The Beginning of the Holidays

Well, the holidays have swung around again.  Honestly, they snuck up on me this year.  I could have marked Thanksgiving as my official start day, but Andy and I have started taking the day before off, just to have some us-time before all of our family and friend obligations during the holiday season.  Even before that, though, is of course the Festival of Trees.  I have a few of my favorites below.  Enjoy!

An elegant example

Whimsical snowman design

"Are there brakes on this thing..?"

And, yes, it is that skirt

A beautiful gingerbread house

Waiting for a Package

I went in for some retail therapy the other day, and I bought a skirt from ModCloth.  It's adorable.  I will be a little upset if it doesn't wear as well on me as I'd like.  So, I've been keeping one tab open on the top of my screen at work that has the tracking information.  Randomly throughout the workweek, I've been returning to the screen to see if the truck/plane/carrier pigeon has stopped somewhere else yet.  

Come on, REFRESH. REFRESH.

What is it about expecting a package that can suddenly make you feel that you have purpose in the world?  

And yet, I know that when the package finally arrives, that I will be excited to rip it open, and yet there will be another part of me that is a little bit depressed that I am no longer waiting on something.  It's the same kind of depression that happens when I finish a book that I've thoroughly enjoyed or a season of something on Netflix that had me excited.  I've been trying to find if there is a word for this, specifically, but have come up dry so far, other than "post-book depression."  

Or perhaps, I could just parse it down to the idea that now I have nothing to look forward to. 

That's not to say that I no longer have any desire to keep on living, but that thing that I was really anticipating--either wanting to get back to my book or know that my package had arrived--is now not there anymore.  The anticipation is over.   And now begins the search for something to fill that gap again.

The anticipation is why we tend to like Christmas.  A lot of those Christmas activities are all about preparing for that day, including but not limited to:

1. Baking
2. Decorating cookies
3. Gift shopping
4. Gift wrapping
5. Creating your own gift list
6. Decorating the house
7. Advent Calendars
8. Preparing a meal
9. Getting a fresh pine tree or your artificial one out of storage
10. Readying the house for incoming family/friends

For me, my real "it's really the Christmas Season again" marker is the Festival of Trees.  And this year, I'm already really looking forward to it.  I'm specifically planning to wear this skirt to said event.  So in waiting for this package, I'm preparing to prepare to prepare, oddly enough.  That anticipation can be stressful (waiting for test results, waiting to hear from a loved one that hasn't checked in, etc.), and there are many that find that anticipation to be more of a dread, depending on what kind of weight this holiday season means specifically to you.  

But so far, this year, it's sending me back to a pleasantly nostalgic place.  All entirely triggered by a package coming in the mail.

And it might have arrived today!

Initial Thoughts from November 9th, 2016

You know, I had a couple of cute, quippy entries I was going to put on next--short observations about the world, fun experiences, thoughts, etc.  

But it doesn't seem to fit right now.  There's a lot to process at the moment.  Writing, though, helps me process.  

Right now, I'm trying very hard to keep myself from making gross generalizations.  Rationally, I know that I cannot make assumptions about the people that voted for Trump (though I can make statistical ones), but at the moment I just want to be angry.  I need to mourn.  I need to work through my acceptance of this new dystopian reality lead by Cheeto McSmall-Hands.  That I still chose to include the previous sentence is evidence itself that I want to throw my fists in the ring and start with the name calling, too, revert back to the childhood self-righteous "It's not fair" or "He started it!" as though that would magically make a difference.  

So right now, I don't know what to say.  But I know I have to say something, if only to let these feelings out so I can move on.  You see my conundrum.  

As such, I'm only going to pull out a few main points that I keep coming back around to.  I'm sure that when I've had a little more time to work through the rest, I'll have some different things to say and a different approach, but (other than disbelief and some anger) this is what I have now.

I think we have a lack of empathy as a country:  We fail to see each other as people and instead see people as "other."  This makes it easier to dehumanize them, through bullying, intimidation, unjust legal practices, profiling, etc.  The more we dehumanize someone, the more we become certain that they just "deserve" to be treated that way.  No one group is to blame for all of our problems, not even Trump Supporters.  It's not about democrats being the devil or republicans being the devil--these are REAL people who have reasons for why they think differently.  Demonizing someone might make you feel temporarily superior, but you can't hold someone down in a ditch without being the in ditch yourself.  We need to remember our collective humanity in order to really listen to each other.

What we do affects the world:  Our economy will have an effect on other countries.  We cannot play King of the Playground to the point where everyone else decides they don't want to play with us and makes a new playground.  We share the same space and there are some points where we have to work together.  Additionally, with the internet, now, it's too late to make isolationism happen.  Again, remembering that collective humanity in order to find the best way to move forward for all peoples.

I think we collectively refuse to take culpability:  I'm trying to quash thoughts where I'm placing blame on a group of people, because they're definitely popping my head whenever I let my mind drift.  There's going to be a LOT of finger-pointing for the next while, here.  The problem is much more complex than 59 million people collectively on a whim deciding to vote for a man that is a bully (to say the very least--I have many, many more things I could say here).  For better or worse (whichever your opinion is), we made this possible.  We created an environment where political discourse broke down to a schoolyard fight.  

The world is going to keep turning:  Despite our best efforts, so far tomorrow keeps coming.  And it will continue to do so.  When it stops, it won't matter to us anyway.  We are a fleck of dust in the ocean.  Take a deep breath.  Whether or not you are pleased with the election results, take the time to celebrate or mourn appropriately and then, well, tomorrow will still come--work toward making it the tomorrow you want.  Or better yet, work on making it a tomorrow that helps us all.

Wait for It

So, I think I've mentioned in other posts (like this one *cough*) that I'm not normally one for bandwagons.  Thankfully, though, I'd only heard a few things about Hamilton and was therefore able to embrace it and enjoy it.  

For those that have not had the opportunity to listen to it yet, it is a lot of fun and is well put together, a warts and all story.  The construction, too, is slick, with reoccurring motifs in the music and lyrics that are used in different ways at different points in the stories.  One of my favorite elements, though, is how Aaron Burr is a foil for Hamilton the whole way through.  Alexander Hamilton is always goes through life in a rush, always taking risks, pushing forward, and writing excessively, "like he's running out of time."  Aaron, however, takes a very different perspective in my favorite song of the whole musical:  check it out.  

Aaron Burr, in the musical at least, always weighs his options.  He doesn't choose a side so that he can choose when the time is right, waiting for the right opportunity.  Alexander Hamilton, by contrast, seems to keep winning despite going against Aaron's philosophy, which Aaron finds both perplexing and amazing.  Immediately before this song, Alexander recommends to Aaron to go after the woman he's in love with, even though she is married to a British officer.  He starts the song musing over this situation.  

"Love doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints...
And if there's a reason I'm by her side
When so many have tried,
I'm willing to wait for it
I'm willing to wait for it"

Aaron is recognizing that he doesn't fully understand why his lover chose him over anyone else that she could have had.  He's willing to wait and find out what that reason is, mostly I believe out of gratitude, not wanting to question his own good fortune.  Then, he starts reflecting on his parents.  

"Death doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints...
And if there's a reason I'm still alive
When everyone who loves me has died
I'm willing to wait for it
I'm willing to wait for it"

Aaron's not sure why his parents were taken from him or why he is still alive, but he's willing to wait to see what the reason is for this, too.  

However, Aaron seems to be tired of trying to justify this waiting, declaring that he's "not standing still, [he's] lying in wait."  His thoughts this shift to his rival, noticing that although Alexander Hamilton acts counter-intuitively to everything else he's believed, he somehow still seems to come out on top.  This, too, confuses Aaron, and he's willing to wait and see what the reason for that is, too.  

"Life doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
We keep living anyway
We rise and we fall and we make our mistakes
And if there's a reason I'm still alive
When so many have died
Then I'm willing to wait for it"

Through the course of the musical, we can see both Hamilton and Burr cross paths again and again, each time subtlely changing the other, until Aaron goes out on a limb for something he wants and Alexander specifically refrains from taking sides until he has to.  

I have had a conversation with many people recently, it seems, particularly over the last couple of years, where we had a discussion about waiting.  It seems that Andy and I know a lot of people right now that are in transition states.  Some of that is a product of decisions that were made, but in more cases, this is now a part of millennial life--when you've grown up hearing that you must go to college in order to get a good job, even implying that you will surely then get a good job upon finishing college, saddled with on average 25K worth of debt, told that you should find a unique vocation and you're "too good" for flipping burgers, well, a lot of us would rather have started out with nothing instead of all that baggage.  

We're not lazy--the world is just different.  We're not failures for not doing everything exactly as our parents did.  We're not failures for not being exactly where someone else things we should be in life.  In fact, we're not even failures for not being where WE want to be in life.  

That comes back to the waiting thing.  Andy and I have agreed that we are homesick for the future, that there are definitely places that we want to be in life that aren't exactly where we are now.  But we're still making all of the right steps toward that future.  Waiting is not an idle thing--we're preparing  in every way we can now.  It doesn't make us any less frustrated, but its reassuring all the same.  For the things we really want, we're willing to wait. 

And in the meanwhile, there are many good things about where we're at now, surrounding ourselves with good people, adventures, and attempting to be fiscally responsible.  Everything else will hopefully make sense in time.

Life-Long Learning

I can remember very clearly when I told my adviser at Knox College that I wanted to double major in biology and creative writing.  He blinked but was otherwise unfazed.  That was when I knew I was at the right school.  

Those were two of the subjects I was most interested in pursuing, and, while pretty opposite in and of itself, it does not fully encompass all of the things I really want to learn.  My family as a whole has an odd collection of knowledge, but I suppose that could be said for many families.  Here is a short list of our odd knowledge collective in my immediate-ish family:

• Photography
• Woodworking
• How to listen
• Basic construction
• Theology
• Fencing (the stabbing kind)
• Drawing 
• CAD drawing
• Racecar driving (specifically Sprint cars)
• Basic circuitry
• Sailing and basic boat repair
• Crocheting
• Gaming (card games, board games, etc.)
• First aid/medical knowledge
• Computer assembly
• Writing/editing/grammar
• Simple computer programming
• A smattering of languages, including sign language
• Music, music, music (including accordion, banjo, and opera)
• How to juggle
• Canning
• Proper swimming strokes/basic diving/scuba
• Car maintenance (basic repair and detailing)

I remember telling my father once that we were weird.  He corrected me "No, we're renaissance."  I still like to learn odd things.  And I've been taking steps toward my own self-improvement, keeping that hunger alive. 

• When I'm on hold waiting for a client (and my headset cooperates), I've been practicing juggling with the kooshballs on my desk.
• I'm making a specific effort toward including reading in my schedule--currently reading Dragonfly in Amber and Sophie's World, the former an enjoyable novel and the latter a crash course in Western Philosophy.  
• I'm attempting to learn how to french braid my own hair--struggling more with how to hold the different pieces than anything else.
• Joined the Finance Committee at the church, and I have actually seen moments where I have impacted the conversation, even if it's only adding in oxford commas.
• I've been taking piano lessons, currently on a Chopin waltz and "Married Life" from UP!.  
• Stepping a bit out of the norm to sing in Verdi's Requiem and learning more things about the way I sing and/or how to improve upon it.
• Using a DuoLingo app, I've been attempting to teach myself Norwegian.
• Getting in to some therapy for depression/anxiety relating to chronic illness/pain; this one has been a long time in coming, but now that things have calmed down enough to put more elements into my schedule.  
• Though I've fallen out a bit lately, I had been going regularly to the gym.
• Still blogging away!

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down on myself for not working toward a grand goal, it's good to remember what I'm doing in the meanwhile.  And we should be continuing to learn new things, else we stagnate.

Shameless Plug

Hey, all!

Andy, Janna, and I (along with several other members of the community) will be taking part in a performance of Verdi's Requiem this Friday (10/21/16) at 8 p.m.  If you are in shouting distance, I would strongly encourage you to attend:  I mean, full brass, orchestra, 130-some-odd voices, and some stellar soloists?  It's going to be boss.

However, if you cannot, livestream that sucker here.

It is my first time being involved in this kind of a production like this.  My voice was rather tired from the first tech-week rehearsal Tuesday, and my manager suggested that I might not actually sing on Tuesday night's rehearsal.  See, the thing is, when the orchestra is roaring beneath you and you feel the bass drum reverberating in your chest, well, I honestly cannot tell you how loud I sang.  

It's like being at a baseball game, when the home team hits a grand slam.  You are no longer yourself but part of a cheering mass, rising to our feet and shouting without realizing your voice is hoarse entirely as one unit.

I invite you to come be a part of this, too.  Come early to make sure you have a seat!

And if you need something to whet your appetite: